What is going on?
by Pointy-Eared Bowtwanger
Summary: *Slash*... 'There are fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world'... but what exactly did Gandalf mean? And how can the fellowship defeat this new evil that can control their very actions? very, very silly...
1. Disclaimer and Prologue

Disclaimer: I own all of them. Legolas is tidying my bedroom as I write, Aragorn and Sam are weeding the garden, and Merry, Pippin and Frodo are playing monopoly on the dining room table. Boromir, Gandalf and Gimli are watching the pigs fly around outside…  
  
If anyone reading this disclaimer does actually own a flying pig, please contact me and I will change this disclaimer… Thank you.  
  
Prologue  
  
'Fouler things than orcs dwell in the deep places of the world' Gandalf had said. And he was right.  
  
In the darkness, there lived a strange creature, great and terrible, with the power to bring great pain and torment to the fellowship, but also able to give them ultimate pleasure. This creature was fickle however, and its affections often changed amongst the Nine Walkers.  
  
It was an Author.  
  
And today, the Author was feeling a little strange. 


	2. An Author!

Frodo and Sam hurried along the road to Rivendell, sweating under the mid- summer sun. Sam took his cloak off and sighed.  
  
"I'll have to stop a bit Mr. Frodo." He said, pausing and leaning against a tree. Frodo looked round, and smiled wearily at his best friend.  
  
"Oh Sam." He sighed and walked over to him. "Okay then, for a little while." They settled under the shade of a large oak tree, and leant against the trunk.  
  
"Why are we going to see the elves, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked, looking up at the canopy of leaves.  
  
"We promised Lord Elrond we'd visit him, remember?" Frodo looked over at Sam. "He's getting on a bit now, I think he just wants some company."  
  
"He's got Bilbo, hasn't he?" Frodo smiled slightly.  
  
"Ah yes, Bilbo, we'll have to see him, won't we?" Sam frowned gently, and pulled his pipe from the traveling bag.  
  
"If he even remembers who we are anymore." He grumbled, searching his pockets for some pipeweed. Frodo laughed lightly.  
  
"He'll remember Sam, don't worry."  
  
  
  
The two Hobbits lazed around under the great oak for a while, then decided to go on. Sam reluctantly packed his bag again, while Frodo rolled his cloak up and slid it into his own bag.  
  
"Come on then Sam." He waited till Sam was next to him, then they started walking again.  
  
  
  
They hadn't got far when it started to rain.  
  
"What the..." Frodo yelped, racing under the trees for some cover. Sam was right behind him, but it was too late, they were soaked to the skin. They hurriedly found some cover and pulled their cloaks from their packs.  
  
"The sun was shining only half hour ago!" Sam exclaimed, as they peered out from the hollow tree trunk at the weather. Frodo frowned.  
  
"I don't like this very much Sam, it's not natural." Sam gasped, then thought hard for a few moments.  
  
"You... you don't think its an... an Author... do you?"  
  
Frodo's eyes widened, "No! No, it can't be..." But he wasn't sure.  
  
  
  
There had been no mention of Authors in the shire for over 60 years, since Bilbo's last adventure, in fact. The details were few and horrible to hear, like how Bilbo suddenly found himself attracted to dwarves, or became lost in the caves when he wasn't even in them anymore. It was during the time of the last Author that the dragon came, the only dragon in the Shire for over a hundred years. If an Author had, in fact, found Middle Earth, then they were all in very great peril.  
  
  
  
"Quickly Sam, we must reach Rivendell as soon as possible!" Frodo pulled his hood up and ran, Sam right behind him. As they ran, Sam looked over at his best friend, and realised how fond he was of the older hobbit. He smiled to himself, then shook himself out of it and concentrated on running.  
  
  
  
They had to stop abruptly, however, when a Thing landed in their path. Sam looked up, but couldn't see anything to indicate that the Thing had fallen from anything. It had just fallen, and landed in front of them. Frodo looked curiously at the Thing. It appeared man-like, though it was wearing strange clothes. 'It's a skirt,' Frodo realised. The now very wet Thing groaned, and sat up.  
  
"Oh." It said, as it spotted Frodo and Sam. The hobbits stared at the Thing. It was indeed a man, with a strange short-spiky hairstyle. It looked like Pippin. "Hello." It said in a very strong accent that Frodo couldn't place.  
  
"Um, are you okay?" Frodo asked, stepping forward a little way. The Pippin- Thing looked down at himself, then stood up.  
  
"I'm very wet, aren't I?" Frodo blinked, then pulled his spare cloak from his bag.  
  
"Here you go." The Pippin-Thing smiled, and pulled the cloak round his shoulders, and put the hood up.  
  
"That's better." He looked down at the hobbits. "I'm Billy."  
  
"I'm Frodo. That's Sam." Frodo replied simply. There was an uncomfortable silence.  
  
"So... Where am I?" Billy said, eventually.  
  
"Middle Earth."  
  
"Oh really, I heard it was nice this time of year..." Billy looked up at the clouds, which had started to disperse. "Guess I caught it at a bad time huh?"  
  
"We're on our way to Rivendell." Frodo said hospitably. Sam glared suspiciously at the stranger. "Would you like to join us?" Billy grinned.  
  
"oh, that'd be nice." He said. And so, they set off to Rivendell. 


	3. What is going on?

Legolas gazed out from where he was perched in the tree, watching his friend Aragorn get ready to sleep. The two friends had been out hunting, and were camping in a small clearing for the night. Though the War of the Rings was over, there were one or two small bands of Orcs and Uruk-Hai roaming Middle Earth, and you can never be too careful. Legolas was on first watch.  
  
  
  
The elf sighed to himself, twisting one of his braids between slender fingers, as he watched the now sleeping Ranger. He smiled softly to himself, and started to hum gently. The hum formed into words in his mind and he sang softly for a while.  
  
"I can be your hero baby, I can kiss away the pain..." His voice drifted over the clearing as he sat on the tree branch with his back against the tree trunk. "I will stand by you, forever... I can take..." He stopped suddenly, and his fingers moved to his mouth in shock. He had never even heard this song before. And he had never called anyone 'baby' in his life. Frowning gently, he jumped down from the tree silently, and wandered over to the fire. He sat next to the sleeping figure, and gently moved a strand of hair from Aragorn's forehead.  
  
  
  
Suddenly, he sat up, gasped and shook Aragorn awake.  
  
"Orcs!" He said simply, standing, his bow seeming to materialize in his hand. He stared at it blankly for a second then reached behind him, where an arrow suddenly appeared in his hand. He raised his eyebrows questioningly at Aragorn, who shrugged helplessly. His sword had appeared the same way, though it had been laid at the other side of the fire. They readied themselves for battle.  
  
  
  
It was short and way too easy. Orcs fell as soon as Aragorn's sword touched them, or Legolas' arrows grazed past them to hit the one behind. Aragorn and Legolas took advantage of this, and soon, the clearing was full of dead orcs. They looked at each other and smiled gently, when suddenly Legolas cried out in pain and clutched his side. Aragorn raced over and helped his friend lie down.  
  
"What is it, Legolas?" The ranger asked helplessly, as the Elf sobbed in pain. "Did they hurt you?"  
  
"No... I was not hurt in the battle." He murmured, as Aragorn leant over him, concern in his eyes. "It's... It just appeared... So bad..." He groaned as another wave of pain hit him, and he clung to Aragorn. The ranger held him close, gently stroking the soft blonde hair soothingly. Legolas pulled away and looked up pleadingly at his friend.  
  
"This is no battle wound, my friend. " The ranger said grimly, gently touching Legolas' face. "We must get you to Rivendell. Lord Elrond will help." He stood and helped Legolas to his feet. The elf swayed a little, but stayed basically upright. Aragorn gathered their stuff together and decided to carry it himself. Legolas looked too weak. So helpless and vulnerable... Aragorn shook his head quickly, and walked over to his friend. "Can you walk Legolas?" The elf nodded, and they set off to Rivendell. Legolas stayed close to Aragorn, holding onto his arm most of the time.  
  
  
  
Lord Elrond frowned at the two bodies that had just landed in his breakfast. 'Honestly' he thought to himself 'can't a Half-Elven Lord get a moments peace and quiet anywhere?' The two Things lying on his table groaned and disentangled themselves from each other. They were men, Elrond could see, though they were unlike men he had seen before. Taller than dwarves, but not as tall as the men of Gondor or Elves. They were dressed in strange clothes, materials that the Elf Lord had never seen before, and had short hair. Self-consciously, Elrond touched his long dark hair.  
  
"Get off me Sean..." A voice piped up, in a strange accent. The Thing called Sean managed to get off the smaller man. They sat up, still on the table and looked around, jumping when they met Elrond's stern gaze. It was then, Elrond realised, that they looked like Frodo and Sam.  
  
  
  
Arwen peeked out from behind the tree, where she was hiding. The Thing was still there. Steeling herself, she crept forward silently, and looked down at the Thing lying on the bridge, the same bridge where she had been standing only a few moments earlier, singing about Aragorn. The Thing moved slightly and Arwen stepped back. She had noticed it was a man, woman's instinct, and that it wore strange clothes made of strange materials. The Thing sat up and looked around, running its hand through its short, dark hair. It reminded Arwen of Legolas... if Legolas had short dark hair, brown eyes and a different complexion. The Legolas-Thing looked at Arwen. Then it grinned.  
  
"Hi." It said.  
  
  
  
Merry and Pippin were getting drunk. Very drunk. Which could well explain why Pippin could see two Meriadoc Brandybucks sat in front of him. He peered closely at the second Merry, and noticed short hair and a fuzzy beard. His eyes widened. Then he passed out. 


	4. The Council of the Things

Legolas awoke to see sunlight streaming in through an arched window. Someone was holding his hand. He glanced round to see Aragorn watching him, dark circles under his eyes, his hand clasping Legolas' tightly.  
  
"Legolas?" His eyes lit up and the Elf smiled gently.  
  
"Aragorn." He murmured simply, and the Ranger leant forward, brushing fine strands of blonde hair from Legolas' face. Legolas stared up at the Ranger, and got the sudden urge to brush the messy long hair back from the man's face. So he did, letting his fingers caress the weatherworn skin for a moment. Aragorn tensed, then leant forward, guided by Legolas' hand on his neck. As Aragorn drew nearer, Legolas sighed, closed his eyes and tilted his head back gently.  
  
"Ah, Legolas, you're awake, good. I wanted to... Oh, am I interrupting anything?" Elrond's voice shattered the moment and Aragorn jumped back.  
  
"Aragorn?" "Legolas?" They both said, questioningly.  
  
"I have no idea why that happened." Legolas said quickly to Elrond, avoiding Aragorn's gaze.  
  
"Neither do I. A madness overtook us, but it has passed." Aragorn concluded. Elrond raised one eyebrow, questioningly.  
  
"A madness? Are you suggesting that I am not worthy or fair enough to be found desirable, Ranger?" Legolas hissed, and Aragorn sidled away from him.  
  
"Of course not, my friend. I merely meant that the boundaries of our friendship were a little... strained..." Aragorn said quickly, then turned to his foster father. "But what devilry caused this to happen, my lord?"  
  
"That is why I have come. You have been summoned to a council, where this shall be discussed." He looked at Legolas, who blushed. "This is not the only strange thing to have happened recently."  
  
Frodo sat in his chair at the council, staring round at the assorted people. 'How odd' he thought. All the 'Things', as they were referred to, were sat on one side. They were 5 Men, all resembling Pippin, Merry, Frodo, Sam and Legolas. Frodo thought it odd that the Frodo-Thing and the Legolas- Thing seemed so close. Well, they were all close, but those two... something else was going on there, Frodo could tell. After that came the members of the Fellowship that this affected, Legolas, Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo. And Aragorn, because he wouldn't leave Legolas' side, for some odd reason. Then came Arwen, sat next to her father Elrond. Elrond stood and cleared his throat.  
  
"Friends old and new, we are here to discuss these strange occurrences..." He glanced meaningfully at the 5 Things. "And how this shall be dealt with."  
  
"I think we should start with introductions." Aragorn said, and as Elrond nodded, the Thing closest to him stood.  
  
"Um, I'm Billy. I'm from Scotland." He sat and the next one stood.  
  
"Dominic." He said simply.  
  
"Elijah Wood." The Frodo-Thing said, smiling nervously. The Legolas-Thing touched his arm gently, and Elijah gave him a gratuitous glance.  
  
"Sean Astin." The Sam-Thing said, smiling at his two friends.  
  
"Orlando." The Legolas-Thing finished, his arm round the back of Sean's chair. Then came the Fellowship.  
  
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, also known as Strider, Elessar, Estel..."  
  
"I am Legolas, son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood." Legolas interrupted Aragorn, glaring at him until he stopped pouting.  
  
"Meriadoc Brandybuck."  
  
"Merry." Pippin added, then ignored his best friends pout. "I'm Peregrin Took. Pippin for short. Or Pip for even shorter."  
  
"Samwise Gamgee." Sam said simply, staring down at the floor. Frodo touched his shoulder comfortingly.  
  
"Frodo Baggins." He finished, smiling at Sam, who smiled back.  
  
"Well, now we know your names, may we enquire of your story?" Elrond turned to Billy, who stared at him for a second.  
  
"Sure." He stood up, and adjusted his kilt slightly. "Well, we'd come back to New Zealand to do some final promotional stuff for the films..." He trailed off when he felt eight confused gazes on him. He looked to the others, helplessly. Elijah came to his rescue.  
  
"What Billy is saying is, nothing was out of the ordinary really. We were on our way to the..." He thought of a better word for hotel, "inn, where Sean and I were staying, and suddenly 'poof', we landed in Lord Elrond's breakfast." Merry and Pippin giggled.  
  
"Everything was normal." Orlando added, sitting up in his chair. "I had just come back from some snowboarding, then suddenly, landed on a bridge." He glanced up at Arwen, who smiled shyly and batted her eyelashes.  
  
"So it seems you were unwillingly taken from your homes and brought here..." Elrond mused, absentmindedly tying another knot in his sideburns. "For what purpose?" He seemed to snap out of it, and turned to the fellowship. "And the strange occurrences that befell you?"  
  
Frodo stood up.  
  
"Sam and I were on out way to Rivendell, to see you, Lord Elrond." Elrond looked pleased. "The sun was shining brightly, and we had to stop briefly because it got so hot." Merry murmured something and Pippin giggled loudly. Legolas raised his eyebrows questioningly at Merry. Elves have very good hearing. Frodo ignored them. "Well, we had set off again, and no more than half hour had passed when it started to rain!"  
  
"We got absolutely soaked!" Sam added.  
  
"Well, I thought something was odd straight away." Frodo started again. "We decided to run to Rivendell immediately to see you. But we had gotten no more than a few steps when 'poof', the Thing... um, Billy, landed in our path!" Elrond frowned.  
  
"Indeed, that is how..." He looked over at the Things. "Sean and Elijah came to land in my breakfast."  
  
"Well, poor Billy was soaked! And freezing cold too, I'd wager, wearing only that skirt and all..."  
  
"Its a kilt!" Billy protested loudly, but Frodo carried on as if he hadn't heard.  
  
"So I lent him my spare cloak and we came here straight away."  
  
"And what happened to you, Prince Legolas?" The said elf blushed furiously, then sat up even straighter in his chair.  
  
"Aragorn and I were hunting orcs, and we had stopped to set up camp." He shifted uncomfortably and tried not to look at Aragorn, who was inspecting his boots. "I took first watch as he slept..." Legolas blushed so hard the tips of his ears went red. The hobbits sat up, interested. "I started to sing."  
  
"Sing?" Elrond asked.  
  
"Sing." Legolas confirmed, refusing to meet the Elf Lords gaze.  
  
"And what did you... sing?"  
  
"I do not know the song, my lord. It just seemed to appear in my head." Legolas said. "It does not sound like any song I have heard before."  
  
"And would you care to tell us the words of this song?" Elrond raised his eyebrow. Legolas blushed even more.  
  
"I... I cannot seem to remember it, my lord." He muttered, gazing at the floor. After a moments pause, he looked up to see Elrond motion for him to continue. "And... When I awoke in Rivendell... Aragorn and I were... we..." He stuttered to a halt.  
  
"We found ourselves in a compromising position." Aragorn finished for him. Merry nudged Pippin and giggled. Orlando and Elijah exchanged heated glances.  
  
"Compromising?" Elrond managed to hide his smirk, and feigned innocence. Aragorn gritted his teeth.  
  
"Yes, compromising." Elrond's obviously fake ignorance made him angrier. "We nearly kissed okay! It was stupid, I don't even know why it happened, it just did..." He glanced round to see Legolas' death glare. "Though he is a very attractive elf, I don't go in for that sort of thing normally!" He finished, turning back to Elrond. The hobbits were barely managed to stop their giggles turning into full-blown laughter. Billy, Dominic and Sean were smirking. Elijah and Orlando just watched each other.  
  
"Well." Elrond said, after he stopped chuckling to himself. "Now we must discover what is causing these disturbances, and save poor Legolas and Aragorn further embarrassment." Nervously, Sam raised his hand.  
  
"If I might hazard a guess..." At Elrond's nod, Sam stood up. "Well, after what happened with the weather, and after those stories I used to hear... I think, and I told Mr. Frodo this, didnt I Frodo? I think... I think it's an... Author." 


	5. From Whence It Came

An author. Those dread words echo round the fellowship like ripples in the bowl of porridge that was Elrond's breakfast... that is to say, slowly.  
  
"An... an Author?" Aragorn shuddered.  
  
"Do not speak of such evil in such a beautiful place!" Legolas cried, his fingers touching his sensitive ears as if the very words hurt him.  
  
"But if this is indeed the cause of our troubles..." Elrond murmured, twirling a few strands of hair between his fingers.  
  
"Don't be silly." Merry said suddenly. "Authors don't exist. They're just old hobbit-wives tales to scare kids into doing what they want!"  
  
"Yeah." Pippin agreed. "As if something could control our very thoughts and motions..."  
  
"And the weather." Merry added.  
  
"And bring people from other dimensions..." The two youngest hobbits glanced nervously at each other.  
  
"Unfortunately my friends, authors do exist, though they have not troubled this land in many years."  
  
"Um..." The Fellowship turned to the Things. "You don't mean an Author as in... someone who writes books, do you?" Sean asked, looking completely puzzled.  
  
"They can't do." Dominic said, waving it off casually. "No harm ever came from writing a book." Elrond's stern gaze soon shut them up.  
  
"Do not speak so easily of things you do not understand." He said grimly. "Authors are powerful and terrible. They have control over us, if our will is distracted. They have caused naught but trouble in our history." Billy opened his mouth to protest. "What do you think made the High Elves decide to forge Rings of Power?" Frodo gasped, and his eye twitched at the word 'ring'. The Things stared at him in shock. "So now you understand our peril, and yours, for as long as you remain in Middle Earth, you are under the Authors spell."  
  
  
  
Silence weighed upon the council, until Aragorn could stand it no longer.  
  
"If an Author has come to these shores once more, what can we do to defeat it?" He stood, and his hair blew back off his face in a sudden dramatic breeze.  
  
"Authors are very powerful, and not easily destroyed." Elrond replied, sitting back in his ornate seat. "Some say the only way to defeat it, is to let it take them over completely until the evil has fulfilled its tale."  
  
"I am no-one's pawn" Legolas snapped suddenly, and Merry and Pippin exploded in hysterical laughter. Elijah blushed furiously and shifted in his seat as Orlando winked at him. "Pawn as is p-a-w-n, you disgusting little halflings!" He growled, ignoring Aragorn's suddenly interested gaze.  
  
"Quite." He said simply, smiling at him.  
  
"The only way to destroy it is go to the land from whence it came, Mordor." A moment passed as the council digested this information.  
  
"Um, why?" 12 pairs of eyes fell upon Billy, who blushed slightly. "Why Mordor? Why is it always Mordor? Why not... Caradhras? That was pretty scary the last time I went on it." Elrond opened his mouth to speak, then paused.  
  
"I do not know. It just seemed... right." He looked puzzled. "It seems the Authors spell has breached Rivendell's defenses. It is indeed powerful." The Fellowship gasped and looked at each other shocked.  
  
"If that is the way to destroy the Author, then we must go to Mordor immediately." Legolas stated.  
  
"Another adventure?" Samwise sighed, and stood up. "Better get packing Mr. Frodo."  
  
"Mordor?" Frodo gasped. "Nonononononononono, can't go to Mordor... can't... Don't leave me Sam!" The hobbit flung himself into Sam's arms, who smiled apologetically to the others and carried the whimpering hobbit away, to the cries of 'Sam, Sam you can't swim!'.  
  
"What about second breakfast?" Pippin asked suddenly, then his eyes widened and he slapped his hand over his mouth.  
  
"This is no time to think about food Pippin!" Merry snapped, and cuffed Pippin over the head.  
  
"I... I didn't mean to... I'm not even hungry!" The youngest hobbit rubbed the back of his head sulkily.  
  
  
  
Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan wandered round Rivendell, taking in the sites, and eating ice-cream (taken from Elrond's fridge).  
  
"Nice place." Billy said appreciatively. Dominic nodded, and opened his mouth to speak when a moan drifted past on the 'sudden dramatic' breeze. 'Ooooorli...' Billy and Dominic looked at each other, then grinned mischievously. They crept round a corner, and looked round onto the balcony. Orlando was sitting with his back to the supporting pillar, Elijah sat on his lap, legs either side of his hips. Orlando appeared to be undoing the buttons on Elijah's shirt with his teeth, and Elijah's hands seemed to have a grudge against Orlando's t-shirt.  
  
Billy and Dominic giggled and quickly backed away. Smirking, they made their way down the steps, in time to see, over the railings and in the gardens below, Legolas run into Aragorn. Literally.  
  
"Aragorn." Legolas said curtly, stepping past the Ranger. Aragon sighed.  
  
"Legolas..." He grabbed the elf's arm, and spun him around, pulling him close. "Why do you deny me?" Legolas frowned.  
  
"Because you're a ranger that hasn't had a bath in about two years?" Legolas suggested, pulling his arm free. Aragorn frowned as Legolas turned his back on him.  
  
"Stop doing that Legolas." The elf stopped, and turned his head slightly. "Stop... turning your back on me." Aragorn moved forward and grabbed Legolas arm again, pulling him back round. Legolas stared at him, and almost leant into Aragorn's offered embrace, but suddenly blinked and shook his head.  
  
"No..." He murmured, then tried to back away. Aragorn tightened his grip on the elf's arm and stepped closer. "Aragorn..."  
  
"Shh..." Surprisingly soft fingers traced the elf's jaw, tilting his head up slightly. Aragorn closed his eyes and leant forward.  
  
  
  
A sudden dramatic wind broke Dominic's concentration, and he felt something cold and wet drip down his chest. He looked down.  
  
"Hey my shirts gone." He exclaimed in surprise, glancing up. His eyes widened. "Hey your kilts up!" Billy blushed and frantically tried to hold his kilt down, as it was being blown up in the wind. Dominic smirked. "So I guess what they say about Scotsmen it's true then." He murmured, huskily. Billy lowered his gaze in embarrassment, and spotted the line of ice-cream as it dripped down Dominic's exposed chest. He stared at it, and got the sudden urge to lick it off. He moved forward slightly, reaching out.  
  
"Billy?" Dominic's deep voice shocked Billy into stopping. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I... I just..." He moved closer, reaching out to touch his friend's arm. Dominic smiled at him, and stepped forward. Billy smiled back up at him and leaned forward, gently pressing his tongue against the line of melted ice- cream.  
  
"Oh..." Dominic closed his eyes and his hands gently slid into Billy's hair. Slowly, Billy worked his way up, lapping up the ice-cream on the way. Dominic whimpered gently, as Billy sucked gently on his collarbone, then lifted his head. Their eyes met and Billy licked his lips before smiling.  
  
"Absolutely delicious." He muttered, and Dominic suddenly moved forward to catch his friend's lips in a kiss. 


	6. Oh Sam

To Armageddon Girl, and all other reviewers who own a flying china pig that hangs above their bed, I am truly sorry, and will change my disclaimer immediately to…. Hm, lemme see now….  
  
Aha! I own them all, and the garden gnomes are proceeding with their devilish plan to take over the world using vicious worm armies…  
  
*************************************************************  
  
  
  
Frodo stared balefully out over the balcony at the waterfalls, and sighed heavily.  
  
"Another adventure." He muttered, resting his chin on his folded arms. "I don't think I can handle another adventure, Sam." Sam looked up from where he was packing things into two bags.  
  
"Don't you worry Mr. Frodo. I'll be right behind you. And at least we don't have that ri..." Frodo's eye twitched. "Round metal object to worry about." He picked up his old dented frying pan, and smiled fondly at the rough engraving of 'Frying Pan of Death', under which was his name and address, in case he lost it.  
  
"If its not magical round metal objects of power, its Authors..." Frodo moaned, watching as Sam gave his Frying Pan of Death an experimental swing at an imaginary orc.  
  
"Don't worry." Sam said again. "We'll soon sort this Author out." He looked up at his best friend and smiled reassuringly. "I won't leave you Mr. Frodo." Frodo smiled for the first time that day.  
  
"Oh Sam."  
  
  
  
The smile soon faded however, when what could only be described as an 'orgasmic' scream was heard on the sudden dramatic breeze (am I overworking this?). Sam looked up, grabbing his frying pan.  
  
"That sounds like you Mr. Frodo!" He stated, Frodo leapt off his seat.  
  
"Come on Sam! Someone could be in trouble!" The two hobbits raced from the balcony towards where they thought the sound had come from. After running down, then up several lots of stairs, they finally came to another balcony, hidden in the shade of the cliff. Sam, wielding his Frying Pan of Death, ran in first, followed not so closely by the unarmed Frodo. They both stopped dead in their tracks at the site that met them.  
  
  
  
Orlando and Elijah were both shirtless, and were leaning against the aforementioned supporting pillar, pressed up close and kissing passionately. Frodo's mouth dropped open, and Sam blushed and looked away. The two Things seemed to not realise they were there, as Orlando's hands were gradually making their way down to the top of Elijah's jeans.  
  
"Um..." They froze when they heard Sam cough slightly. Slowly, they turned to look at the two hobbits, Frodo's mouth still hanging open and Sam still wielding his frying pan.  
  
"Ah..." Elijah said, as Orlando quickly moved his hands away from Elijah's torso.  
  
"Um..." He agreed, and Elijah scooted off Orlando's lap.  
  
"Gosh, that Authors getting more powerful!" Frodo suddenly stated, and Orlando and Elijah looked at each other. "Forcing you to..." Frodo's eyes suddenly darkened. "We have to stop this thing at once!"  
  
"Um, yeah, the... Author, did this." Elijah said, hesitantly, then bit his lip, worriedly. Orlando nodded slowly.  
  
"Obviously..." He agreed, watching as Frodo turned on his heel and paced out. Sam looked at the two Things, then at his frying pan, then at the way Frodo had gone.  
  
"Wait for me Mr. Frodo!" He called out, suddenly racing after his friend. Orlando and Elijah looked at each other, then smiled nervously. Orlando held out his hand and grinned. Elijah took it, letting himself be pulled back into his lovers embrace.  
  
Sean listened, a far away look in his eyes as Pippin chattered on next to him.  
  
"Then there's Frodo of course, he's my second cousin, twice removed, on his mothers side, but he's..."  
  
"Pippin." Sean smiled gratefully at his saviour. Merry grinned back. "I think Sean's heard enough about our family tree." Pippin looked confused.  
  
"But there's Frodo's fathers side to..."  
  
"No!" Sean snapped. "I mean, er, no, that's okay, really..."  
  
"Are you sure?" Pippin asked, swinging his legs off the chair that was a little too big for him.  
  
"Um, yeah, quite sure. I read the appendix anyway." Sean sighed and looked round the room.  
  
"Appendix?" Merry asked, as Pippin shrugged.  
  
"Yeah, at the end of the book."  
  
"Which book?" Pippin asked, as Merry sat down next to him.  
  
"The book that.... The one I'm in right now, actually." Sean looked puzzled. "I mean...The one about you... About Frodo and the... The War of the Rings one." Pippin looked curious.  
  
"There's a book about us?" Merry grinned.  
  
"And we're in it?" Sean nodded.  
  
"Yeah, you were in the War of the Rings, weren't you?" The two hobbits grinned proudly.  
  
"Of course we were, we're knights." Pippin nodded, sitting up straighter in the slightly too tall chair. "And good ones at that."  
  
"Well, that one." Sean slumped back in his seat. Pippin and Merry glanced at each other.  
  
"Wanna play a game?" Merry asked suddenly. Sean looked up.  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"A game, or do a practical joke or something?"  
  
"Please?" Pippin added, as Sean looked unsure.  
  
"Okay, okay. What kind of practical joke?"  
  
  
  
"I had no idea Elrond had all this stuff in his bathroom!" Sean exclaimed, looking round the huge room in surprise. And huge it was, almost as big as the balcony on which the Council had taken place. Shelves lined one wall, upon which were hundreds of cosmetics. A bathtub and jacuzzi took up one corner, whilst a built-in sauna stood just next to the door. Merry grinned knowingly.  
  
"I know. Come on!" He and Pippin quickly ran to the shelves, and started searching among them frantically. "Warn us if someone's coming." Merry hissed to Sean as an afterthought. Sean nodded, and looked warily out of the door. With a short cry of triumph, Pippin handed the glass bottle he had been searching for to Merry, who quickly pulled the cork out and drained its contents out the window. Pulling something from his pocket, Merry proceeded to quickly fill the glass bottle with a new substance. Sean frowned.  
  
"What's that?" He whispered loudly, and Merry shushed him with a finger to his lips.  
  
"Just something to give old Elrond a shock. He needs to liven up." He hissed, then pushed the cork back into the bottle and gave it to Pippin to replace back on the shelf. That done, the hobbits giggled and started towards the door. Sean peered round the doorframe, and froze.  
  
"Quick, hide!" He yelped and the two hobbits and the man ran into the sauna, barely closing the door in time, as Elrond wandered into his bathroom  
  
.  
  
The three pranksters held their breath, as they heard Elrond do whatever it was he did in his bathroom. Then suddenly, they heard running water. Pippin started shaking his head violently.  
  
"Oh please not a bath.... pleeeeeeeease..." Sean heard him mutter under his breath, then listened intently to what was going on outside the sauna. Elrond muttering something, then a long drawn-out sigh. He was indeed having a bath.  
  
  
  
Legolas leant back against Aragorn's chest and wondered why he didn't feel awkward. Actually, it felt quite nice. He sighed, and Aragorn tightened his arms around the elf's waist. They were sitting on a bridge, watching the waterfalls. Legolas felt himself smile as Aragorn planted a gentle kiss on his neck.  
  
"Do you think the Author is making us do this?" He asked gently, and he heard Aragorn sigh against his hair.  
  
"I don't know." He replied, closing his eyes and resting his chin on Legolas' shoulder. "It could be. But as long as the Author is in power, there isn't a lot we can do about it, is there?" Legolas frowned.  
  
"So, you think we should just let it control us?"  
  
"Of course not." Aragorn snapped, tightening his grip a little more. "Its just... we leave in the morning, this is our last night in Rivendell... The Authors power is not as strong in here."  
  
"Then it will be a lot worse when we leave." Legolas finished for him, closing his eyes and let himself relax against Aragorn's body. "I don't think we'll be able to hold the power at bay for long." Aragorn nodded, and they were silent for a while. "Aragorn..."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Maybe you should talk to Arwen." Legolas felt the ranger tense against him. "You are kinda... well, you're married Aragorn, I think she should know about this..."  
  
"I think she knows, and with the way she's been fluttering her eyelashes at that.... Thing!" Aragorn snapped, and abruptly stood up. Legolas yelped as he fell back. "You're right. I should talk to her." He stalked off, leaving Legolas staring after him.  
  
  
  
Sean peeled his shirt off, groaning in the intense heat. Pippin and Merry weren't much better.  
  
"Honestly Pippin." Merry growled, undoing the buttons on his shirt. "Only you could manage to lock us in and turn the sauna on." Pippin would have blushed, if he wasn't already bright red from the heat.  
  
"Sorry, it was an accident..." He panted, wiping the sweat from his forehead.  
  
"How come Elrond has all this stuff anyway?" Sean asked, deciding to change the subject quickly. The hobbits shrugged.  
  
"We don't know. I think he uses his Ring to power it." Merry said, running his hands through his now wet hair. "You know, the jacuzzi and stuff. The fridge is best..." He smiled to himself. "Oh I could use an ice-cream right now." Sean decided to let it go, thinking caused him to heat up too much.  
  
"How long can someone be in the bath?" He exclaimed suddenly, forgetting all about being quiet. Suddenly the door opened, and the two hobbits and man inside found themselves facing an irate towel-wearing Elrond.  
  
"For as long as three idiots can hide in his sauna." He growled, then moved out of the way to let them out. They grabbed their clothes and fell out of the sauna, gasping for breath. "And whose idea was it to replace my bubble- bath with milk powder?" 


	7. Bad, Bad Thoughts

Just like to say a BIG thankyou to all the people who reviewed… I did the Happy Chicken Dance© for a looooooooooooong time afterwards… (See how I put the word 'big' in capitals to make it look 'bigger'… hehe, aren't I clever… okay, maybe not)… hope ya like this!  
  
Oh, and Laura, I'm still confused… Elandah and Orlijo are too…  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Aragorn started whistling. Legolas winced at the noise and shifted uncomfortably on the bench. Merry and Pippin were shoving each other playfully; while Frodo had his hands shoved in his pockets and was studying the floor. Sam was searching through his bag, muttering something about rope. Sean, Billy and Dominic stood to one side, chatting quietly. Loud, uncoordinated footsteps alerted the fellowship to the arrival of their friends. Elijah and Orlando hurried onto the courtyard, hurriedly fastening cloaks and pulling on their boots.  
  
"Sorry we're late..." Elijah panted, finally managing to fasten the clip on the front of his cloak. "We got..."  
  
"Distracted." Orlando finished for him, giving him a sultry look before turning back to the others. Elijah blushed.  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Aaaah." Merry and Pippin jumped and raced behind Aragorn, peering round his legs. Elrond wandered out of the shadows.  
  
"Why do you always do that?!" Merry snapped, stepping out from behind Aragorn and straightening his waistcoat. Elrond raised his eyebrow.  
  
"I have come to wish you farewell." He stated.  
  
"See, he even wore his pretty head band." Legolas muttered, and Aragorn and Elijah, who were standing next to him, grinned. The Lord of Imladris frowned at the younger elf, who blushed slightly.  
  
"The road is not an easy one." Elrond decided to get things underway, the sooner these Things were out of Rivendell the better. "You shall need all your strength and cunning. Good luck, and farewell." Elrond turned and disappeared among the trees.  
  
"Its freaky how he manages to do that." Pippin said, as the troop started on their way out of Rivendell. The others were inclined to agree.  
  
  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"NO! For the last time Pippin, NO, we are NOT there yet!"  
  
There was silence for a second.  
  
"Are we nearly there?" A growl from the man sent Pippin scurrying behind Merry, who was grinning at Aragorn's expense.  
  
"Just ignore him Aragorn." Legolas whispered, as he passed, resting his hand on Aragorn's shoulder reassuringly. The ranger tensed at the subtle touch, then cursed himself for feeling the way he did. He looked round the fellowship, realizing with a sinking feeling, that this is what stood between the author and the whole of Middle-Earth. Well, Middle Earth was doomed.  
  
  
  
Merry and Pippin were having competitions on who could annoy the most fellowship members, Sean, Billy and Dominic were walking up together, chatting away. Legolas was up ahead; making sure no danger was in their path. Sam and Frodo trudged on behind him, clinging to each other. Orlando and Elijah were bringing up the rear… Aragorn shook his head violently. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, bad thoughts… yet strangely tempting… bad, bad thoughts.  
  
"Are you okay Aragorn?" The ranger looked up to see Dominic looking at him, worried. Sean and Billy were behind him, looking concerned.  
  
"Yes.. Yes, I'm fine, its just…" He looked around. They were barely out of Rivendell. "The author is very powerful outside Rivendell… We must be on our guard." They nodded, and walked on ahead. Aragorn waited till the last two Things walked past him before following.  
  
'Now, you're bringing up the rear…' The unwanted little voice in his head taunted and Aragorn gritted his teeth, trying to think of really, really nasty thoughts.  
  
"Aragorn?" He looked up sharply, to see Orlando and Elijah waiting for him to catch up. "Come on." Orlando held out his hand as an offer of help, that reminded Aragorn so much of Legolas in the mines of Moria, when the elf had helped the fellowship across the broken stairwell… He jumped when he realised he hadn't moved at all, and was staring blankly at the offered hand. Shaking his head, he walked forward, and Orlando smiled widely, resting his hand on the rangers arm.  
  
  
  
Legolas glanced back over the fellowship. And froze when he saw Aragorn and that Thing… Orlando, walking side by side. Very close. Touching… Legolas frowned and turned back round.  
  
"Don't think about it." He muttered to himself, walking faster. "Don't think about…" 'Where was Elijah in all of this?' the elf suddenly realised. Turning again, he scanned the group for the Thing, and found him walking by himself, a little way behind Orlando and Aragorn, glaring at the rangers back. Legolas smirked, and called the company to a halt. It was almost dark, and the elf knew that this was the best place to camp for miles around.  
  
"We should rest here Aragorn." He called out, watching as the ranger looked up from his conversation.  
  
"Um…" He looked around. "Yes, we should..." He ended, trailing off as the rest of the company tried to hide their mirth.  
  
  
  
The fellowship sat around the fire that Aragorn had made, toasting marshmallows (taken from Elrond's pantry) on sticks. Legolas got the sudden urge to sing about a dog named Bingo.  
  
"I shouldn't worry 'bout Orlando." Billy whispered to the elf, as he tried desperately not to burst into song. He looked over at the Thing, who was smiling at him.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Orlando. He does that to everyone." Billy brought his stick… Legolas tried in vain to get the images out of his head… towards him and checked to see if his marshmallow was done yet.  
  
"I know not of what you speak." Legolas said, turning his head away, and ignoring all references to the word 'stick' in his mind.  
  
"You know? Always touching someone? He's just a very friendly person, has to be draped over someone at all times." The Thing grinned fondly. "Mind you, no-one ever seems to mind when he does it to them." Legolas tried to get his mind round this logic. "He's not after your ranger." Billy added, seeing the elf's confused face. "He's into Elijah." The Elf made a noise like a strangled cat* at the unwanted images that statement brought to mind, and decided to sit someplace else.  
  
  
  
Frodo sat next to Elijah and glared at Orlando. The latter was sat next to Sam, chatting eagerly away to him about something, his hand resting on the hobbits shoulder. Samwise was being uncharacteristically outgoing, and appeared to be in the midst of telling Orlando a particularly dirty hobbit joke. Orlando laughed. Frodo and Elijah's faces got a little sterner and their lips were twitching, getting desperately close to a pout.  
  
  
  
Aragorn, sat opposite them, grinned. Not that seeing two identical jealous faces was amusing. Oh, okay, it was. Trying to hide his smirk, he looked around, and noticed Legolas wandering over to him. His smile disappeared, and he gulped as the unwanted bad thoughts, that were mentioned earlier in the chapter, came back in full force.  
  
  
  
Fortunately for Aragorn, the elf suddenly stopped and stiffened. Ignoring Aragorn's groan of frustration, Legolas whirled round and stared suspiciously at a shrubbery. Suddenly, a bright white light appeared from behind said shrubbery, and the whole fellowship gasped as a being stepped out from behind it.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
*I don't know what sound a cat makes when it's being strangled…  
  
Really, I don't, I just couldn't think of a better way to describe it…  
  
And to all those who do know what a cat sounds like when it's being strangled, shame on you… 


	8. A Strange Occurrence

Haha! Laura, tis u! Well, kinda, it's a twisted gimp version of you… I bow before your gimpness, oh gimp-like one! Hehe, fear not tho, for u shall be in a little later as well, I did promise…  
  
Hey, I watched the Matrix last night and I found out that I really *really* fancy Agent Smith (even though he does explode in the end)… I like him like him, not just like him. Feaky huh?  
  
Enjoy!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
She was tall, and immensely beautiful, with long purple hair to her waist, and a low-cut dress that hung in all the right places. Her blue contact lenses shined fiercely in the starlight, and her unnaturally good posture made her look like a goddess amongst them. Legolas gasped, and moved forward, falling to one knee before her.  
  
"My lady." He murmured, reaching out to touch her extended hand (of Gondor), and bring it to his lips for a gentle kiss.  
  
"Fair lady, what brings you among us?" Aragorn stood, his marshmallow falling to the ground, forgotten. The woman smiled benignly at him.  
  
"I am Flungin." She said, her voice the very essence of the stars, and the sudden dramatic breeze gently pulled her hair back, revealing delicate pointed ears.  
  
"An elf!" Sam exclaimed, then yelped as Merry cuffed him over the head.  
  
"Well duh."  
  
  
  
"My lady, the very stars bow before your beauty." Legolas murmured, looking up at the tall maiden. But her attentions were elsewhere.  
  
"Hobbits?" She exclaimed, moving forward and pulling out of Legolas grasp. The elf frowned as she moved away and shook his head a few times, realised he was kneeling and stood up quickly. Flungin knelt before the hobbits, who stared at her shocked.  
  
"What is your name, fair hobbit?" She asked, and Merry blushed bright red.  
  
"I… I'm… Er, I'm Meriadoc, m'lady." He said, nervously. The Lady smiled, and took Pippins hand in her own.  
  
"And you?"  
  
"Pip…P…Pippin." The youngest hobbit stammered.  
  
"Join me, Meriadoc and Pippin, and I shall show you delights you have never even dreamed of!" She stood, pulling the hobbits with them, laughing lightly. "Oh." She stopped as her gaze rested on the Things in front of her. Smiling suddenly, she moved forward and slid her arms round Dominic's shoulders. "And who are you?" She asked, coyly.  
  
  
  
"Aragorn…" Legolas whispered, but the ranger didn't hear him. He stared, entranced, at the strange elf's beauty. "Aragorn!" Legolas grabbed his arm and dragged him behind the shrubbery. The ranger gasped, then blinked, staring at the elf in front of him blankly.  
  
"Legolas?"  
  
"Finally." Legolas shook his head despairingly. "We must leave here. Now!" Aragorn frowned.  
  
"Why? The lady is no harm to us, and besides, it is dark and there are wild things about."  
  
"Aragorn, don't you see?" Legolas exclaimed. "It is the Authors doing! She has been sent to delay us with her beauty! Even now I'm getting the urge to confess my undying love for her, then tragically die defending her honour!" Aragorn frowned slightly.  
  
"Are you feeling okay, Legolas?" He asked, reaching up to place the palm of his hand on the elf's forehead. "You are not sick, are you?" Legolas growled in frustration.  
  
"Aragorn, are you that blind?!" He snapped, then realized, from the blank look on the man's face, that it would take a little more convincing. "By Elbereth, I'll never live this down." He muttered, then suddenly grabbed the ranger's head and kissed him full on the lips.  
  
  
  
Dominic was finding it difficult to concentrate, as Flungin gently stroked his hair and rested her head on his shoulder. The death glares he was receiving from Merry and Pippin were making him nervous. Flungin giggled and leant up to kiss him, when a sudden, loud moan interrupted them. The fellowship turned to stare at the shrubbery, which appeared to be moaning. Curious, Orlando moved from Sam's side, and pulled the leaves back a little, peering through the small gap. He gasped. The rest of the fellowship got even curiouser*, and they wandered round the clearing a little way to see behind said shrubbery.  
  
  
  
Legolas was on the floor, with Aragorn practically lying on him. They were too busy kissing to even realise they had an audience. Orlando grinned at Elijah again, who forgot his earlier jealousy and grinned back, reaching out to slide his hand into Orlando's. Merry and Pippin giggled and nudged Sean. Sean was staring in open-mouthed shock, and Billy and Dominic were smirking. Frodo clung to Sam. Flungin frowned.  
  
"Wait... this isn't supposed to happen!" She exclaimed, and the fellowship turned to look at her. Legolas managed to pry Aragorn away from his lips long enough to slide out from under him.  
  
"Pardon?" Aragorn asked, getting his breathing back in control and standing up.  
  
"You... you're all supposed to *love* me!" She yelped, her voice going higher as she stamped her foot angrily.  
  
"Sorry." Legolas shrugged, brushing twigs and leaves from his legs.  
  
"No!" She shrieked, then looked up. "Can't you do something?!" She asked, apparently to no one in particular. There was a pause, and everything suddenly went silent. "Oh come on, you said I could have Dominic!" Dominic gasped and went noticeably paler. The elf rolled her eyes and sighed. "Fine fine... I'll just stick with the hobbits then..." The fellowship looked up, puzzled at who she was talking to.  
  
"She's in league with the Author!" Legolas cried, and all of them except Flungin turned to look at him. "Quick, run!"  
  
  
  
Flungin was nearly knocked over in the mad rush that followed. The fellowship grabbed their things and ran into the dark forest surrounding them.  
  
"No! You can't leave!" The elf screamed after them. Pippin and Merry ran past her, and Pippin stuck his tongue out at her on the way. Then ran into Merry, who had suddenly stopped. They landed in a heap on the floor, and looked up in horror at the elf that was looming over them. Merry gulped, and stood up.  
  
"M'lady..." He muttered, wandering forward a few steps. Flungin smiled.  
  
  
  
Dominic glanced back, and stopped when he saw Merry and Pippin stood in front of the strange elf.  
  
"Billy, the hobbits!" He called, turning and running back. Billy turned and gasped, then ran after his friend. Dominic reached the entranced hobbits first, and grabbed Pippin, who yelped and struggled in his arms. Billy raced up and grabbed Merry.  
  
"Yoink." He grinned, grabbed the struggling hobbit and ran after Dominic.  
  
  
  
The fellowship somehow managed to find each other again, and collapsed exhausted in a small clearing a little further into the forest.  
  
"Well..." Aragorn said, running his hand through his hair, and frowning as his fingers became entangled in it.  
  
"That was strange." Elijah said, looking up at Orlando, as he lay back in the taller mans arms.  
  
"Very." He agreed, tightening his arms round Elijah's waist.  
  
"What was that thing anyway?" Frodo asked, as he tried to stop shaking long enough for Sam to treat the cut on his arm.  
  
"You're hurt..." Sean sounded concerned, but Frodo shrugged it off.  
  
"I fell over."  
  
"That was no elf." Legolas stated, helping Aragorn to get his fingers out of his tangled hair. "That was the Authors doing. No elf is like that." Dominic and Billy glanced down at the two hobbits they were holding, who were fast asleep in their arms. Sam finished treating Frodo's arm, and looked round the group.  
  
"What was all that about, Strider?" The ranger blushed and glanced at Legolas, was staring at the floor.  
  
"It was a distraction." He said, and Legolas nodded wildly. "Yes, a distraction. We had to break the spell *somehow*. Of course, it was Legolas' idea."  
  
"Hey!" The elf exclaimed. "I kissed you *once* to break the spell. It's *you* who wouldn't let go of my hair and insisted on sticking your tongue down my throat." Aragorn blushed.  
  
"Well, anyway, I think it would be best if we never ever talk about this..."  
  
"Strange occurrence?" Orlando suggested.  
  
"Strange occurrence again. Ever."  
  
"I agree." Legolas added, then suddenly realised he still had his hand in Aragorn's hair, and the ranger's fingers were somehow entwined with his own. He pulled his hand back. The rest of the fellowship grinned evilly at them. Aragorn and Legolas looked at each other and sighed. They would never live this down.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
*Curiouser is a word… Honestly. Have u never read/seen Alice in Wonderland? Curiouser and curiouser…. 


	9. Who'da Thunk It?

Yes yes, this is just a short slashy moment I felt like writing, cos people, mentioning no names *cough*LAURA*cough*, keep bugging me to write Billy/Dominic, and Sam/Orli…. Are ya happy now? Huh? Are ya?  
  
Oh, you are? Oh good…. Well maybe you could write more Elrond stories then… to feed my disturbing obsession…  
  
Am I the only one who finds Elrond and Agent Smith sexy?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
The fellowship set off at first light, eager to get the strange occurrence behind them. Aragorn and Legolas made sure to travel as far apart as possible. Not easy, considering the others kept moving to make sure they walked next to each other. Billy and Dominic walked behind them, smirking as the man and elf tried in vain to stay away from each other.  
  
  
  
Sam walked next to Orlando, carrying on the conversation that had been interrupted the night before. Orlando's hand rested on the hobbits shoulder, as he listened intently, occasionally saying something back. Elijah and Frodo followed, glaring at the man and hobbit in front of them. Following them, whispering and giggling were Merry, Pippin and Sean.  
  
  
  
Dominic looked over at his friend and smirked. Billy was getting tired, and hot, from the fast pace and midday sun, and trickles of sweat dripped down his forehead. Billy felt someone watching him and turned his head, his eyes meeting Dominic's searing gaze. He swallowed nervously at the unfamiliar look in his friend's eyes, and tried to concentrate on the path ahead of him. Dominic moved closer and ran his hand down Billy's back, pushing him forward.  
  
"Come on Billy, not much further..." He murmured, his hand stopping a little too low for comfort. Billy groaned quietly to himself and tried to ignore the heat of Dominic's hand pressed against the small of his back. He looked up, and saw Legolas and Aragorn stop and look around. The ranger was pretty much in the same state as Billy, and even Legolas looked flustered.  
  
"We shall rest here for a while." Aragorn called out and got a mixed response of groans and cheers from the hobbits. Billy slumped in the shadow of a nearby tree, pulling his water bottle from his pack and quickly swallowing several mouthfuls of water. Dominic sat next to him, undoing his shirt. Billy watched him, a little shocked, his eyes lingering on Dominic's chest as more skin was exposed. Dominic smiled.  
  
"Something wrong Billy?"  
  
  
  
Sam nudged Orlando and nodded at the two Things sat under the shade of a tree. Orlando grinned.  
  
"Always knew they liked each other."  
  
"Like you and Mr. Elijah?" Sam asked, letting his pack fall to the floor. Orlando sighed.  
  
"Its not Mr. Elijah, its just Elijah. And yeah, kinda." He sat next to the hobbit and looked around for his lover. He smiled when he saw him and Frodo chatting away a little further away. Sam followed his gaze, and smiled as well.  
  
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" He said dreamily, resting his head on his hands. Orlando sighed happily.  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
  
  
Aragorn glanced over at Legolas and wondered whether it would do any good to sit somewhere else. The way the sun was shining on him, making his hair appear golden and... Aragorn groaned, rubbing his eyes roughly. He was *not* attracted to Legolas. He couldn't be...  
  
"Aragorn?" The ranger felt the urge to scream, but managed to hold it in and look up. Legolas shifted uncomfortably. "Maybe we should talk..."  
  
  
  
Sam looked up at the Thing sat next to him. Orlando was sprawled out, leaning back against a large rock, his shirt undone and hanging open. He had his eyes closed, and as Sam watched, flicked his tongue out to lick his lips. The hobbit gulped and turned away quickly. It wasn't proper, watching him like that. But, he reasoned, it wasn't proper for a hobbit to have an adventure. Two adventures at that.  
  
Taking a deep breath, he glanced round to see Orlando watching him, lust smoldering in his chocolate-brown eyes. Sam gulped again, and glanced round. No one seemed to be watching them; Aragorn and Legolas were talking, sat close together. Billy and Dominic looked as though they were about to ravage each other, Merry, Pippin and Sean could be heard a little way off in-between the trees, and Merry could be heard vaguely, saying something like 'that's a nice one Sean...'. Frodo and Elijah were talking animatedly. Sam's gaze lingered on the older hobbits face for a second, then glanced back round. Only to gasp in shock, at Orlando's sudden closeness.  
  
"M...Mr. Orlando?" The Thing smiled, and reached up to gently touch the hobbits cheek.  
  
"Sam, call me Orli." He murmured huskily, letting his hand tangle in the curly hair, as he brought the young hobbit closer.  
  
  
  
Frodo laughed lightly at Elijah's joke, and was just about to respond with another, when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. His gasped as the look of limitless fear reappeared on his face. Elijah frowned and followed his gaze.  
  
"Flungin!" Frodo yelped, leaping up and backing away slightly. 


	10. Ah Nuts, She's Back

Some people… Honestly, I give her slashy moments and what does she do? Demand more!!! But… okay, I need Elrond stories, so I gave in… I'm weak, dammit! She tempted me with Elrond! I couldn't resist!  
  
So Laura, this is for you…  
  
Oh, and my disclaimer-nickname is TisI (pronounced Tis I) so…. This'll make a little more sense… not a lot, but….  
  
Oh just read it…  
  
Sorry it's so short…  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
Sam and Orlando jerked away from each other, eyes wide and breathing heavy. Realizing that something was happening, they stood quickly and looked around. Aragorn and Legolas stood and moved forward, in front of the hobbits and Things protectively. Aragorn drew his sword, and ignoring Legolas' badly stifled giggle, moved forward.  
  
"Begone, we can see through your disguise Flungin!" Merry, Pippin and Sean ran through the trees, alerted by Frodo's familiar yelp, and skidded to a halt as they caught sight of the figure before them.  
  
  
  
It looked like Flungin, only smaller, and slouched. The previously long purple hair was cut shorter and a more normal brown. The dress had turned into huge black baggy jeans and a fitted t-shirt with 'I dress this way because it bothers you' written on it. Over that, hanging open, was a shapeless black jacket with a hood, on the back of which was large white writing 'Manic Street Preachers'. The girl looked around shocked.  
  
"Ah!" She suddenly shrieked. The fellowship jumped. "Where am I? Why aren't I at home?" She caught sight of the fellowship, and gaped at them for a second. "Who are..." The girl's mouth fell open even. "Holy Hand of Gondor." She suddenly exclaimed, running forward, managing not to trip over the excessively baggy jeans. She stopped suddenly, her brown eyes wide in shock. "Stridy!" she yelped, her hands clenching at her sides, as if she was restrained herself from leaping forward. "Leggy! Samwise, Frodo, Pippin... Merry!" She shrieked at this and leapt forward, only stopping when Aragorn pointed his sword directly at her throat. She stopped and looked at the long pointy weapon nonplussed. "Honestly." She sighed and looked up. "TisI, I know its you. Stop with the baaaaaad double entendres, k? You're embarrassing me." The sky turned a little pink. Shaking her head, the girl turned back to Aragorn, who was watching her incredulously. "I can't believe I'm related to her sometimes."  
  
"Back you devil!" Sam suddenly cried, leaping forward, wielding the Frying Pan of Death. The girl's eyes lit up.  
  
"Oh, you are so *cute*!" She reached forward, and Sam batted her hand away with the Frying Pan.  
  
"Begone Flungin, you are not welcome here." Legolas stepped forward, but the girl merely eyed his outfit doubtfully.  
  
"Why the skirt, Legless?" She asked, shaking her head. "And why the tights? I bet it's not easy to get them off in a hurry..." Legolas blushed and suddenly got angry.  
  
"And what would you know? You could house an entire family of dwarves in those... things." The girl frowned.  
  
"Well, ya pointy-eared bowtwanger, at least I don't have to pray to the God of Unruly Pants to get dressed every day." Legolas growled, and his hands clenched into fists.  
  
"Aragorn." He said, through gritted teeth. "We should go. This... demon could be sent to delay us."  
  
"Hey, who ya calling a demon you..." The girl didn't finish her sentence however, as she suddenly noticed the two Things hidden in the shade of a tree. Her mouth fell open.  
  
"Billy Boyd?!" She shrieked, then covered her mouth with her hand. Then, noticing the second figure, dropped her hand and managed to gasp out, "Dominic Monaghan?!" She suddenly fell to her knees. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou..."She took a deep breath. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou... I'm in heaven!" She stood up and raced towards Dominic, suddenly stopped and looked thoughtful, then looked up. "You know..." She started, then grinned slightly. "If we somehow end up kissing, I *might* possibly be hit with inspiration for Elrond stories..." Dominic suddenly looked a little scared. There was silence for a moment, then a sudden dramatic wind rustled through the tree branches, sounding suspiciously like a sigh. The girl shrieked again and leapt into Dominic's arms, who suddenly found himself very attracted to the girl draped over him.  
  
"Flungin!" Aragorn had gotten very fed up with being ignored.  
  
"Will you stop saying that?!" The girl snapped. "Yes, I was flung in, there's no need to keep stating the obvious..."  
  
"No, I meant, Flungin, that's your name... isn't it?" Aragorn looked confused, and the girl frowned.  
  
"No... I'm Laura." The fellowship looked at each other, confused.  
  
"What is this new devilry?" Legolas muttered, leaning against a rock for support.  
  
"Hey, stop stealing Boromir's lines. My friend fancies him." Laura protested, snuggling into Dominic a little more. Dominic looked down at Laura, and smiled, then leant down and kissed her. Slowly.  
  
  
  
The rest of the fellowship stared in shock. Billy was the first to turn away, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides.  
  
"Quickly! We must save him!" Legolas cried, and his voice startled the rest of the fellowship into action. Aragorn and Billy raced to the kissing couple, and managed to wrestle the girl of the bemused Thing, then grabbed him and ran, dragging him between them.  
  
"No!" Dominic struggled against his friends. "Laura! I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu…" his voice trailed off as he was dragged in between the trees. Laura looked round as the others disappeared amongst the foliage.  
  
"Darn." 


	11. The Horn Of Gondor

Okay, couple of things:  
  
Im really sorry, but I don't put ppl in my stories that I don't know. well, I don't know the cast.. wish I did, but, I don't think they count. do they?... Oh, darn, confused myself. Anyhoo, the only reason I put laura in there was because Ive known her my whole life. well, I cant remember the first few years, but anyway. and I know her, I think, quite well. That and shes writing me Elrond stories.  
  
Trench thoughts. what can I say bout trench thoughts. If anyone who reads this has read my cousins story Mind out of the Trench, then u may understand parts of this. for those who haven't, well u should. It's a good story.  
  
U know ppl say ur mind's in the gutter? Well, ours aren't in gutters. They're trenches. Dangerously close to becoming sewers.  
  
And, I know the Horn of Gondor thing as a really old joke. I couldn't resist! I really couldn't!  
  
How do you spell cellotape.sellotape. cell. its really bugging me.  
  
Ooooh, yeah, I forgot to mention summat: I must give credit to my cousin Laura, and her 'four-fendered' friend (and mine) Lara, for the basic ideas. Laura, thankyou for mentioning the words 'cellotape', 'horn' and 'Elrond's Office Supply Warehouse'. Lara, u are truly amazing for inventing the Apobbtsob©, I bow before your genius.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Dominic woke up slowly, blinking as the sun shone directly into his eyes. "Ugh." He said, raising his hand to shield his eyes. He felt someone's hand in his hair. He moved his hand to see Billy sat next to him, his hand resting on Dominic's head. "Billy?" His friend looked down, then smiled widely. "Dom? You're awake!" He helped his friend sit up, and Dominic looked round.  
  
  
  
Merry and Pippin were sat round a campfire, cooking nice crispy bacon. Orlando and Elijah were sprawled against each other, the younger man asleep against Orlando's chest. Orlando was slowly stroking Elijah's hair, a troubled look on his face. He looked up, and his eyes met Sams. The hobbit looked away quickly, and shuffled closer to Frodo. Sean was chatting animatedly to Legolas, about his children and showing him pictures from his wallet. The elf ooh and awwed at the pictures, whilst muttering about portable mirrors. Aragorn was sat on a rock, watching the elf and the Thing talk, his fingers clutching the hilt of Anduril in a grip tight enough to crack walnuts. Not that he was jealous of course... he was just... concerned. About his elf... Er, the elf. Yeah...  
  
Realizing he couldn't take it anymore, he hopped down off the rock and wandered past the log that Sean and Legolas was sat on. Sighing gently to himself, he walked over to the fire, sitting next to Pippin. The youngest hobbit grinned and held something out in his hand. "Here ya go." He raised his eyebrows and waved the thing at the ranger. Aragorn, still slightly wary after what happened the last time the hobbits cooked bacon in the wild, glanced around, then took it gingerly. "Its my new invention, gonna be rich when we market it." Pippin grinned, gesturing to Merry who raised his sandwich in agreement. "Its a bacon sandwich." Aragorn said, looking down at the one piece of burnt bacon between two soggy pieces of bread. Pippin shook his head. "Nope. Its my new snack; A Piece Of Bacon Between Two Slices Of Bread©." He grinned and bit into the Apobbtsob©, chewing it enthusiastically. Aragorn sighed at looked down at the Apobbtsob© in his hand, then bit into it. "Hey, Orli!" Pippin called over, smiling when Orlando looked up from stroking Elijah's hair. "Want A Piece Of Bacon Between Two Slices Of Bread©?" The Thing looked puzzled then shook his head, glancing down as the body lying on him stirred slightly. "Hmmmmmorli..." It mumbled, and Orlando smiled, leaning down to gently kiss Elijahs temple. "Want a bacon sandwich?" He asked, as Elijah raised his head. The younger Thing sighed and snuggled into his lover's chest a little more. "No. Want an Orli sandwich..." He muttered. Orlando gulped as he glanced up to see Sam watching him. "Maybe later darlin'." He whispered, gently laying Elijah down on the floor and pulling his cloak over him. Standing and stretching slightly, he wandered over to the fire, sitting down next to Frodo and shivering slightly from the lost warmth of Elijah's body. Frodo smiled at him and rested his hand on Orlando's arm.  
  
Dominic leaned back against Billy. "Where's Laura?" He asked, looking round, gazed. Billy sighed gently. "She's... gone. Not here." He said quietly, his hand playing idly with the collar of Dominic's cloak. "Oh." Dominic stretched. "Well then. Im hungry. What's there to eat?" He stood up, a little shakily and brushed a few pieces of grass off him. "Um, A Piece Of Bacon Between Two Slices Of Bread(c), I think." Billy said, standing up, and looking round the clearing.  
  
He noticed something out of the corner of his eye, (since when does he have square eyes? Surely it should be 'he noticed something out of the acute angle of his eye'... never mind...) something white, lying at the edge of the trees. Frowning gently, he wandered over and looked at it more closely. "Hey." He said, and the fellowship, minus Elijah, looked up. Billy held the white thing up. "Isn't this the horn of Gondor?" The fellowship stared in mild interest at the broken horn that Billy was carrying. It was split in two, right down the middle (that's gotta hurt... Mind outta the trench Rowan!) "That is indeed the Horn of Gondor." Aragorn said, stepping forward and taking the horn from Billy (trench thoughts trench thoughts... agh, sewer thoughts...). "But how did it come to be here? Was it not lost forever at the Argonath?" "Obviously not." Legolas stepped forward and reached out, touching the smooth horn gently (oh god, its getting worse...). He sighed gently. "Poor Boromir." Aragorn rested his hand on Legolas' shoulder.  
  
Pippin, noticing that Aragorn was busy consoling Legolas, reached up and managed to pull the horn from the ranger's hands. Aragorn barely noticed, except that his hands were free, so he pulled Legolas into a (manly) hug. The others just looked at each other and grinned knowingly. Merry and Pippin slipped off to one side, and sat down, backs to the others. The rest of the fellowship didnt notice. Aragorn and Legolas were much too interesting at the moment.  
  
The elf was being held very tightly against the ranger's body, and was nuzzling Aragorn's neck slightly. They didnt even notice the onlookers. Legolas sighed deeply and lifted his head, letting his lips brush gently over Aragorn's cheek. "Are you okay?" The ranger murmured, his fingers tracing the braid in Legolas hair. Legolas closed his eyes and let his head fall forward against Aragorn's shoulder. The ranger ran his fingers through the soft blonde hair.  
  
Sam reached into his pack and pulled out several bags of popcorn he'd managed to steal from Elrond's pantry, and handed them out among the fellowship as they got comfy...  
  
"Aragorn..." Legolas raised his head to look into the ranger's eyes, his tongue flicking out to wet his lips slightly. Aragorn's breath caught in his throat, as Legolas leant forward, eyes closed and lips parted slightly, hands clutching Aragorn's shoulders and drawing him forward...  
  
"Done it!" Merry's voice shocked the man and elf into realizing what they were doing, and they leapt apart from each other quickly. "Merry!" The fellowship were not pleased. The hobbit merely looked puzzled, then held up the horn. "We fixed it." Aragorn, who was hastily trying to calm down and pointedly ignore the elf, walked over to the two hobbits, taking the horn from Merry (Billy, Merry... who's next?). "How?" He asked, bringing the horn closer to his face (aaaah, make it stop, make it stop) to examine it. "Is... is this..." "Cellotape." Pippin said, holding up the roll of cellotape and grinning. "But... where..." "We stole it from Elrond's Office Supply Warehouse.' Merry explained, looking a little sheepish. "Hey, you have popcorn..." "Do you think it'll work?" Legolas asked, still trying to ignore the looks he was being given by the fellowship. Aragorn shrugged. "Blow it and find out." Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo and Orlando burst into hysterical laughter. Billy just tried not to look at Dominic, who was smirking. Sean just shook his head and gave Aragorn a sympathetic look. "Wha... What's happening?" Elijah had woken up. Orlando immediately darted over to help him up, then kept his arm round his lover's waist. "Nothin' love. Just Aragorn wanting Legolas to blow his horn." Elijah's mouth dropped open a little way. "Oh." Legolas just shook his head at the immaturity of the fellowship, and brought the horn to his mouth... Aragorn tried frantically to get certain images from his mind... and blew. Hard. 


	12. Background Music

Haha! Yes, the next chapter. And I had to bring him back... he's from Sheffield after all... ah, my hometown...Laura, I don't care if you/Mankychester have Dominic Monaghan, Queer as Folk and Afflecks.... WE HAVE SEAN BEAN!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And other evil laughing type noises! Needle Nardle McNoo! Ying tong idl I po!... Sorry, been listening to the Goon Show... very funny...  
  
Oh, and Laura, thankyou for the description of how Boromir runs… very accurate, I think…  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
A short, loud blast from the horn echoed round the forest, and the fellowship all clapped their hands over their ears. Legolas lowered the horn and looked sheepish.  
  
"Sorry." He said, and they all looked back up.  
  
"Little too hard there Legolas?" Aragorn pulled his fingers from his ears, and winced slightly. The elf blushed.  
  
"Well, it works..." There was silence for a few seconds.  
  
"Well? What now?" Sean asked, sticking his hands in his pockets. Aragorn and Legolas looked at each other.  
  
"I... I do not know." Aragorn confessed. "It could be a trick of the Authors, or maybe its just a horn... we'll just have to wait and see."  
  
  
  
Finally realizing that there was nothing to do, they decided to carry on their quest, as Dominic seemed to be better. They packed quickly, Pippin and Merry shoving as many Apobbtsob's© in their packs as possible. They set off at noon, hoping for some more hours of daylight to travel, as they had lost enough time as it was. They had been trekking hard for about two hours, when suddenly, a noise was heard. Legolas frowned and ran up ahead.  
  
"There is strange music on the air..." He said, his hair being blown around in a breeze of dramatic suddenness. Frowning, he pulled his hair into a ponytail and fastened it quickly (with Elrond's bobble that he'd stolen from his bedroom... of course, why he was in Elrond's bedroom in the first place has never been explained). The rest of the fellowship listened intently, and heard something very strange indeed.  
  
  
  
It seemed to be a mix of many instruments rolled into one, though only Orlando, Elijah, Sean, Billy and Dominic knew what most of them were.  
  
"An orchestra?" Billy looked round, confused. "Why is there an orchestra in Middle Earth?" The other Things shrugged.  
  
"The tune's familiar though... reminds me of something..." Elijah frowned, trying to listen.  
  
"Yeah, its definitely familiar." Orlando agreed. The fellowship, minus the Things, looked at each other confused.  
  
"What is this... Orchestra?" Legolas asked, walking back to the others.  
  
"Its a group of musicians. Playing different instruments." Billy explained, as he played several instruments himself, and considered himself a bit of an expert on the music scene.  
  
"Oh." Legolas looked around. "We should keep going. I fear this is the Authors work." They set off again, but as they continued, the music got louder and louder. Aragorn finally stopped the group, and decided to stay where they were. The idea of walking right to the source of this strange noise was not appealing. They settled down in the heavily wooded area, slumping down against trees. Elijah and Orlando flopped to the ground, leaning against each other. Elijah quickly snuggled against the older man. Billy, Dominic, Sam and Frodo settled underneath a huge tree, keeping close, and quickly started chatting about nothing in particular. Sean and Legolas sat on a log, deep in conversation about orchestras. Aragorn, pacing restlessly, felt the urge to crack walnuts again, and tried desperately to think of something else. Merry and Pippin sat at the edge of the embankment leading down into a valley.  
  
"Does this remind you of something Merry?" Pippin asked, laying back and folding his arms under his head. Merry looked down at his young cousin.  
  
"Yes, it does. A not very nice something."  
  
  
  
They tried to get some sleep. Tried being the operative word. The music got louder as time went on, and Aragorn was getting a little irate.  
  
"That's it!" He finally exploded. After about 3 hours of watching Legolas flirt with Sean, that damned music giving him a headache, and images of Legolas blowing the horn flitting through his mind in various ways, he had had enough. "Im going to see what it is. Anyone coming?" Legolas stood, as did Merry and Pippin.  
  
"We'll come." The hobbits hurried after Aragorn and Legolas. Sean wandered over to the others.  
  
  
  
Aragorn strode ahead, Legolas keeping up with him easily. Merry and Pippin struggled a bit, but were falling behind. Eventually, Pippin stopped, and leant against a tree, panting heavily. Merry stopped, and stumbled back to him  
  
"Come on Pip." He shouted over the now almost unbearably loud music.  
  
"I... I cant." Pippin yelled back, gasping for breath. Merry helped him to stand.  
  
"Come on." Merry led him back towards the others, figuring that Legolas and Aragorn could handle themselves... and each other. However, they were suddenly stopped as a figure bounded out of the trees, in what can only be described as a 'I'm-so-fantastic-I'm-so-sexy-I'm-Sheffieldish' run. The hobbits mouths dropped open as the figure stopped, wielding a rather large sword. Merry was the first to speak...  
  
"B... Boromir?"  
  
  
  
"Aragorn!" Legolas shouted as loud as he could to the ranger, but he couldn't hear him over the music. "Aragorn, the hobbits!" Frowning, he ran up and grabbed the ranger's arm. Aragorn whirled round angrily. Legolas stepped back, a little shocked. "The hobbits!" Legolas tried again, hoping that Aragorn could lip read. But, by the way Aragorn was looking at his lips, he wasn't interested in what the elf was saying. "We have to go back..." Legolas shouted, as loud as he could, but Aragorn stepped forward and grabbed the elf's arms roughly. "Arago..." Legolas was cut off as the ranger kissed him hard on the lips, pushing him backwards till his back hit a tree. Legolas half-heartedly tried to push the ranger off him, but Aragorn had other ideas, and tried to undo his shirt, unclip Legolas' bow and quiver, hold the elf still against the tree and ignore the music pounding round the clearing all at the same time.  
  
  
  
The music stopped.  
  
  
  
The Things looked around, surprised.  
  
"Oh, that's much better." Billy said, pulling his fingers from his ears. Sean opened his mouth to say something, but something caught his eye and he stared in shock at the three figures wandering back through the tree.  
  
"Boromir?"  
  
  
  
Legolas and Aragorn froze, still mid-kiss. Legolas realised he was half wearing his shirt, Aragorn seemed to have become tangled in the elf's bowstring, and they were lying on the floor in a heap.  
  
"Er..." The ranger said, trying to get up and failing miserably. Legolas reached up and helped the ranger to get the bow off him. They stood up, brushing themselves off and straightening their clothes in an uncomfortable silence.  
  
"Um..." Legolas started, as Aragorn started walking away.  
  
"We'd better get back." Aragorn said, not looking round. Legolas merely nodded, still blushing a little, and followed the ranger back to the camp.  
  
  
  
"Oof." Legolas, who hadn't been watching where he was going, ran straight into Aragorn's back. He shook his head, a little dazed, then stepped round the ranger, who was stood frozen to the spot. "Aragorn? What's wro..." He stopped, his eyes widening in shock as he spotted someone he thought he would never see again, sat in-between Merry and Pippin and eating an Apobbtsob©.  
  
"Boromir?" 


	13. Boromir's Song

*If anyone doesn't understand the last chapter, (naming no names *coughLAURAcough*): Doesn't anyone else wonder where the music comes from in the film? Is it just me? *  
  
Boromir's actual song in this chapter does not belong to me… it belongs to LARA!  
  
That's LARA, aka the friend who fancies Boromir and Pippin… I once again bow to your genius…  
  
Oh, and to frodo_luver, if u read this… I am updating Spin the Hobbit soon… believe me. I've been seriously uninspired of late, but ideas are springing forth! Very messy, I have to say…  
  
The name of this chapter may change… it was all if could think of in about 2 minutes…  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Boromir?" Legolas gasped and stepped forward. "How can this be?" Boromir grinned, and held up his Apobbtsob(c).  
  
"Legolas!" He stood up and slapped the elf's shoulder, hard. Legolas stumbled forward. "How've you been? Still immortal? Good, good!" The formerly dead son of the former steward of Gondor, who is now dead by the way, noticed the ranger. "Aragorn! Buddy! Still heir to the throne? Still kissin' dead guys?" Boromir turned to Legolas and attempted to whisper, but it sounded more like he was commanding the deaf armies of Gondor. "Always wondered 'bout 'im... heard strange rumours 'bout these 'ere rangers..." He coughed and turned back to Aragorn, who stared at the formerly de... (I can't be bothered) Boromir, in shock.  
  
"Actually, Borry, he is king, your father went crazy and jumped into a fire, and yes of course Legolas is immortal." Merry piped up, as Pippin nodded wildly. Boromir looked blank for a second, then smiled.  
  
"Well then." He flung his arms round Aragorn and Legolas' shoulders. "What's goin' on? New quest? More jewellery possessed wi' the spirit of a dark lord?"  
  
"Er, actually Boromir..." Aragorn started, as Frodo's eyes widened, and he backed into Sam, clutching at his neck.  
  
"Frodo... er, sorry 'bout the whole 'give it to me, its mine' thing..." Boromir tried to look apologetic, but doing something he couldn't spell was boring, so he grinned. "No hard feelin's, eh?" Frodo glared at him sullenly. Boromir looked round the clearing, and his gaze rested on the Things. "And who's this lot?" The Things looked at each other.  
  
"Im Orlando. This is Elijah, Billy, Sean and Dominic." Orlando said, pointing out each Thing as he said their name. Billy waved. "We've been brought from another dimension by an Author. Our quest is to find this Author and dispose of it." Boromir looked at them blankly.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"They were kidnapped." Aragorn said, patting Boromir's shoulder lightly. "And we have to find the Author who did this." Boromir thought hard, and then smiled.  
  
"Okay then. Author it is."  
  
  
  
They set off a little later, after Boromir had searched extensively for arrow holes. Finding none, the fellowship had to conclude that the Author had wished Boromir to be in one piece, but for what foul purpose, none could tell. Merry and Pippin were thrilled at having their friend back, and often wrestled him to the ground. Aragorn got pretty angry about that, but the hobbits figured it was just because he wasn't getting any from Arwen or Legolas. Boromir, when he wasn't fighting off hobbits with wandering hands, chatted to the Things. Legolas and Aragorn led the group, still not really talking, but unable to stay away from each other. Sam and Frodo kept close to the elf and man, still a little wary of Boromir. Frodo occasionally clutched at his throat and muttered 'stay away... you are not yourself' under his breath.  
  
  
  
They set up camp a little further on, at the edge of the trees. Sam and Frodo quickly got a fire going, as the others settled round the warmth of the campfire. Boromir listened in wonder as the Things told of how they came to be in Middle Earth.  
  
"We landed in Lord Elrond's breakfast." Sean said, gesturing to Elijah, who was being fed pieces of popcorn by Orlando, occasionally leaning forward to lick at Orlando's fingers. Boromir raised his eyebrows in surprise, then turned back to the other Things. "I'm telling ya, porridge is really hard to get out of your hair..."  
  
"I ended up in a pub in the Shire." Dominic said, looking over at Billy. Boromir's eyes lit up at the word 'pub'. "Pippin passed out on top of me." Pippin, sat at the side of Boromir and clutching his arm, looked sheepish.  
  
"I landed on a bridge in Rivendell." Orlando spoke up, with Elijah happily sucking the end of his index finger. "Arwen was on it though, singing something about Aragorn." The ranger blushed, and looked down as he thought of his wife. "Something really soppy." Boromir suddenly sat up.  
  
"I know a song!" He said, and Merry, sat on his other side and clutching his other arm, urged him to sing it.  
  
"Yeah, please do." Legolas sat down, in-between Aragorn and Sean. Boromir looked pleased that he had an audience, and cleared his throat, before starting in a singsong voice.  
  
"Im going to rip off your legs and stand on your head..." The fellowship stared at him. "What? We used ta sing that all' time when ah were a lad..."  
  
"Yes... well." Aragorn said, looking at Legolas. The elf was trying not to laugh, his hand covering his mouth to hide his grin. "Legolas? Why don't you sing something?" Legolas smile faded, and he suddenly looked, what could only be described as, horrified.  
  
"Er... No. No, it's alright... I don't..." Sean rested his hand on the elf's arm, earning him a glare from Aragorn.  
  
"Its okay Legolas, you don't have to..."  
  
  
  
Fortunately for Legolas, as the others had opened their mouth to say he did have to... a sudden dramatic burst of music interrupted the conversation. Aragorn groaned.  
  
"Not again..." He stood up. "That's it. Im finding out the source of this... this noise, and getting rid of it... once and for all." Legolas thought about joining him, but then suddenly remembered what happened last time, and decided to stay. But what if Aragorn needed help? What if he got hurt, and had to be rescued?  
  
The elf stood up.  
  
"Im coming too." He said, avoiding Aragorn's curious gaze. "Coming Boromir?" Boromir hadn't moved. In fact, he wasn't moving at all. He had a gazed look on his face. "Boromir?" Legolas leant down and placed his hand on the man's shoulder. Boromir jumped at the touch. "What's wrong?" He looked up,  
  
"I recognize that music... I..."  
  
"You?" Aragorn stepped forward. "You recognize this... music." Boromir scowled at him.  
  
"I just said I did, dint I?" He stood up. "I've heard it before. When I was dying... Great walloping scraggles of nurdle! They're playing my deathmusic!" The fellowship chose to ignore that little outburst.  
  
"You're sure?" Legolas asked, frowning gently. It did seem a little familiar, but he couldn't remember hearing music at that particular point.  
  
"Yes Im sure... It *was* pretty much a life-changing event... Ya tend to take notice o' things like that..." Legolas, having never died, didn't really know what to say to that, so he turned to Aragorn.  
  
"We should go." The ranger nodded, and looked at the other members of the fellowship sat around the campfire.  
  
"We'll be back soon. Keep a careful watch, we don't know what's out there." Taking a deep breath, and looking at his companions, Aragorn turned and strode off into the forest, followed by Legolas and Boromir.  
  
  
  
Unbeknownst to the three brave... the three warriors, two small figures followed them into the forest...  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Notes on this chapter...  
  
Im sorry to all Boromir fans for making him a bit thick... I loosely based him on someone I know from college...  
  
I've tried to write the Sheffieldish accent... its very difficult. We don't pronounce some stuff, for example 'shards of Narsil' from the movie. We, the Sheffielders (or at least I, the Lone Sheffielder) don't pronounce the 'f', and we say the 'o' as an 'a'. In Narsil, the 'ar' is stressed. So its 'shards a nARsil...' and on Caradhras, when he says 'to my city', he's trying really hard to pronounce the 't' in city. Normally we don't, its just ci'y. And occasionally, we miss out short words like 'the', e.g. Lord of the Rings; don't pronounce the 'f' or the 'the', so its Lord o' Rings... however, at the o', suddenly stop really short like you're about to say the 't' but you really don't, just leave a gap. I first realized I said this after the third time of seeing the film and saying 'Lord o' Rings' when I was getting my ticket.  
  
If you're trying to say that in a Sheffieldish accent, and you're not from Sheffield, then I doubt you can. U have to grow up with it, I think... just don't pronounce a 't' when an apostrophe will do...  
  
See how hard it is to explain my accent? Poor Sean Bean, he tried so hard, but I can still hear his Sheffieldish accent.  
  
Oh, and no-one I know, apart from myself, says 'Great walloping scraggles of nurdle'... I got it from the Goon show... 


	14. Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark

Laura, Im sorry. You do have the Sheffieldish accent, even though you live in the Chest of Man... Er Manchester... I alopogize... oh, and I got your little mantra in here 'Elrond in a tutu, Elrond in a tutu...' BUT! I have seen Hugo Weaving in drag, and find it quite alluring! Your mantra has no power over me! (Oh, and yes, you are in the mosh pit…)  
  
LAURA, I BOW BEFORE YOUR HOBBIT FLUFF!  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Using all of this skill and cunning, Aragorn silently stalked through the trees, tracking the source of the mysterious noise.  
  
  
  
Legolas and Boromir followed a little way behind, chatting lightly.  
  
"So, being dead... how was it?"  
  
"Well..." Boromir paused. "Cause you 'ave no point o' reference, I can't describe it to ya."  
  
"You mean I have to die before you'll tell me what its like to be dead?" Legolas looked puzzled.  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Where on middle-earth did you hear that? I *know* you didn't think of it yourself..." Boromir opened his mouth to protest, then paused.  
  
"I...I dunno." He shrugged. "Summat 'bout stars and trekkin' through 'em springs to mind, but I dunno...."  
  
  
  
A whistle interrupted them. Legolas sighed.  
  
"Aragorn, you don't have to whistle you know." Several more whistles followed that. "No, I will not shut up!"  
  
"He, er... You... You can understand him?" Boromir suddenly looked nervous. Legolas shrugged.  
  
"He had a lot of time on his hands, being King of Gondor... He created a whole dictionary." A combination of whistles echoed through the forest. "No! Aragorn, stop whistling! You're attracting attention to yourself!"  
  
An indignant whistle was the reply.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, several metres behind them, two small figures followed them, being as silent as hobbits can be in the dark.  
  
"Merry, are you sure this is a good idea?" Pippin elbowed his cousin in the ribs, and Merry slapped his arm away.  
  
"Yes! We don't wanna miss out on the action! We are knights!" Pippin looked unconvinced, but followed the older hobbit as they scuttled between the trees and peered out from behind a great oak. Boromir and Legolas were talking quietly a little further forward. Aragorn was nowhere to be seen. Around them beat the dramatic music, the volume steadily increasing.  
  
Aragorn could tell he was getting closer. The music was almost deafening. He drew his sword, and shook the images of Legolas from his head. His grip tight on the hilt of Anduril, he leapt forward whilst emitting a high- pitched whistle and brushing through a screen of foliage and tree leaves. He staggered to a halt, raising his hand to shade his eyes from the bright light before him.  
  
  
  
Boromir, Legolas, Merry and Pippin looked up as a sudden, high-pitched whistle was heard above the dramatic music.  
  
"He's in danger!" Legolas cried, grabbing his bow, a couple of arrows and racing from the clearing. Boromir followed, wielding his sword. Merry and Pippin looked at each other, then raced after them.  
  
  
  
The five companions stared in shocked surprise at the sight before them. Encased in a bright, white light, a dozen or so elves sat in a clearing, clutching various instruments. They were all blonde, save one who stood before them, waving a stick around in one hand, and gesturing wildly with the other, long dark hair flowing over his shoulders.  
  
"Flippin' 'eck." Boromir said. At his voice, the elves stopped and looked up, the one with dark hair whirled round.  
  
"Elrond?!" Legolas managed to gasp. Elrond looked sheepish, suddenly realised an Elven Lord doesn't have to explain themselves, and contented himself with expertly raising an eyebrow in a look of complete indifference. Aragorn stepped forward.  
  
"My Lord? Why are you doing this?" Elrond gazed evenly at the man in front of him.  
  
"I fear the Author's power has completely taken over Rivendell." The five men/hobbits/elf gasped. "We had to leave, it was becoming... dangerous. The have turned my great hall into a..." He tried to remember what it was his sons Elladan and Elrohir had called it. "Mosh pit." He nodded, yes, that was it. He had been quite distracted, and horrified, at their new choice of clothing. Elrond had never seen goths or punk rockers before that terrible day. "Glorfindel here..." A cute blonde elf with gray eyes and messy hair holding a violin smiled gently at the troupe. "Has been almost molested several times. Had I not been around to help him, it could have been much worse." Merry and Pippin were the only ones to notice the meaningful glance the two elves shared at that comment. Merry grinned and nudged his younger cousin.  
  
"Then... why are you here with these strange instruments, my Lord?" Legolas asked, looking round the group of elves.  
  
"Unfortunately, when we fled Rivendell, we were caught in the Authors power. We have been forced to follow you since then, playing this strange music." Elrond sighed and looked down at the tuxedo he was wearing. "Last night we managed to rebel, and stopped playing... but only for a while. The Author has grown in strength. I only hope it has nothing to do with Reviews." Boromir looked even more puzzled.  
  
"Reviews?"  
  
"Boromir, son of Denethor, Former Steward of the White City, the Representative of Gondor among the Nine Walkers... you're back." Boromir just nodded. "The old tales of Authors tell of Reviews. They are..." The elf thought about this for a second. "They are given to the Author by the evil powers of its Own Kind. These Reviews make an Author stronger, and give them more power over its victims."  
  
"You mean..." Boromir was having trouble getting his head round this "There are more Authors? More than one?" Elrond nodded, placing the stick he had been waving onto a music stand, knocking several sheets of music to the floor.  
  
"There are many, but it is rare that they find our way to our dimension. Unfortunately, we seem to have attracted one of the stronger ones." Elrond sighed again and looked at the elves sat before him. His fingers twitched slightly, and the urge to grab the stick and wave it around again hit him suddenly (hehe, nice trench thoughts 'bout Elrond... happy now Laura?). He staggered slightly as he tried to fight it. Legolas moved forward to help him, but Elrond waved him away.  
  
"No!" He gasped, his hands clenched into fists to stop himself doing anything rash. "Go! Hurry! We'll try to hold it off..." He groaned as he was suddenly whirled round to face the elves, who had brought their instruments to their proper positions. "Run!"  
  
  
  
The five companions turned and ran as fast as they could. Merry and Pippin, running blindly in the dark, reached out and grabbed hold of the others hand, as the first few chords rang out behind them, but was suddenly cut short. They ran as if orcs were behind them, only stopping when Pippin tripped on a fallen tree branch and fell, bringing Merry down on top of him. They rolled a little way, and fell into a ditch.  
  
"Pip?" Merry said after a few seconds of silence.  
  
"Yes Merry?"  
  
"Is that your hand?"  
  
"Yes Merry."  
  
"Oh...Are you su..." He was suddenly cut off as Pippin grabbed his head and pulled him down to kiss him passionately.  
  
  
  
Boromir, Legolas and Aragorn raced back towards camp, stumbling in their blind haste. Boromir, racing ahead of the others, suddenly tripped, knocking the other two over. They rolled down a nearby embankment, stopping only when they hit a tree. Boromir groaned and stood up, stumbling a little. He glanced round.  
  
Aragorn lay over Legolas, staring into his eyes, both breathing heavily from the fall. Aragorn shifted position slightly, hearing Legolas gasp, his eyes closing and lips parting slightly. Unable to stop himself, the ranger leant down and pressed his lips to the elf's, feeling hands grip his shoulders and run through his hair.  
  
"Hey! Formerly dead guy here!" Boromir called out, embarrassed slightly by the scene before him. The man and elf in the passionate embrace ignored him, so Boromir thought of something that would put out their fires of passion. "Elrond in a tutu!" He suddenly yelped, grinning as Aragorn pulled away from Legolas. "*Just* a tutu." Aragorn, lips hovering just above Legolas', suddenly jumped back when he heard the elf groan slightly and reach out for him.  
  
"You desire *Elrond*?!" He shrieked, leaping back as Legolas opened his eyes and sat up.  
  
"I.... No! Of course not..." Legolas stood up and brushed himself off. "Let's get back to camp, shall we?" 


	15. Random strange IVE SEEN THE PREVIEW chap...

The Gap of Rohan speaks…  
  
HOLY WOW! OH MY GOD! HOLY CRAPOLA! And other incredibly excited words!  
  
Yesterday, Thursday 29th March, me, my cousin Laura and our friend Lara went to see lord of the Rings… nothing unusual there. Laura's seen it 12 times, and I've seen it 9…  
  
But! (and Legolas has a nice one… BELIEVE ME!)  
  
The film had just finished, Sam was gazing lovingly at Frodo's back/rear end, and it had faded into darkness. I sighed, and reached for my bag. My cousin Laura was leaning forward and messing with her hair, ready to say her customary 'I love that film'. Lara was getting up to go to the loo, but hang on uno momento! Where was the music? I had to sing along! We looked up.  
  
With dramatic suddenness, the words appeared on the screen  
  
'This Christmas…' Laura shrieked and flung herself back into her chair as I clutched her arm. Lara grabbed Laura's hand, Laura grabbed my hand, and Laura muttered a four-letter swearword beginning with f and ending in uck. We stared, slack-jawed, at the screen in total and utter numbness. Lara said 'oh my god'. Laura had begun chanting another four-letter swearword beginning with s and ending in hit, over and over and over and over… I was muttering 'holy crapola', 'wow' and my personal favourite, 'wah'.  
  
The screen lit up, and Aragorn found a certain familiar broach (anyone who has read the book will understand the significance of that) and suddenly BOOM! It kicked in!  
  
WE WERE WATCHING THE PREVIEW OF THE TWO TOWERS!!!! I swear, I thought it came out today (Friday 30th of March)…  
  
Now, I won't spoil it for you. You shall just have to force yourself to sit through yet another showing of the most amazing film ever created, adapted from the most amazing book ever written. But here's the basics….  
  
Legolas in the rain and the lightning and the close up of his beautiful blue eyes and very yummly Aragorn who even looks good after he has had a bath and Merry and Pippin being flunged to the floor and the blood on Merrys forehead and Gimlis 'I need the toilet' run and Frodo saying 'the ring, its getting heavy; and Frodo and Sam in the marshes of Mordor and Gandalf the white who has stolen Sarumans shampoo and he looks totally different and Shadowfax is the most boodiful horse I have ever seen and Denethor looking exactly like I imagined and Faramir who looks like Aragorn as said in the book and Eowyn and Eomer and Treebeards eye and Pippins shocked face and Leggy and Strider and Gimpli whirling round like a whirling thing and seeing Gandalf the white and the battle of helms deep kicks major ass and leggy with the bow and arrows and GOLLUM he looks so amazingly realistic in a horrible kind of way and hes trying to steal the ring from sleeping hobbitses and Grima Wormtongue looking wormy and Saruman and Theoden and the riders of Rohan otherwise known as the Rohirrim and and and and WOWSERS!  
  
Hey, I have used no punctuation in that last one long, long, long, long, long sentence!  
  
The above is an example of what we were talking like when we staggered out of the cinema… we were naming all the characters as they were shown… doody huh? And Legolas' eyes… oh lovely Legolas, we all went 'HAAAAAAAAAAH' at that point. And merry being flunged to the floor and bleeding and Laura collapsed in a little heap at that point.  
  
Aaaaaah, I just had to tell you all aboot that amazing experience we had… we did the happy chicken dance© in the middle of Manchester after that, I can tell ya! We were actually speechless! Actually, you won't understand what that means, Laura and me are NEVER speechless!  
  
And you know what? We are three of the first people to see that preview, in Manchester at least. We KNOW for a fact that it wasn't on the showing before, because we were sat outside waiting, and we could hear everything that was happening. So, they changed the reel just before we watched it! WOW! The door person was looking at us strangely… I'm not surprised, there were suspicious orgasmic sounds coming from our three seats…. And the other people in the cinema were looking at us strange… We actually ran to the toilets and DANCED! YES WE DANCED! We do NOT dance… EVER! Well, except the happy chicken dance©, but that don't count….  
  
Oh, in other news…  
  
I have boughted 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert'… its so funny! As Laura says, every girl should have a drag queen video! Aw, Hugo Weaving in drag is surprisingly sexy! And I've succeeded in making my cousin like him! A woohoo! He is really funny in it too… and hes such a good camp guy who dresses in women clothes and dances! And he has a nice bum… very nice… and nice legs too…. Even Laura thought that!  
  
I have also boughted Midsomer Murders, Judgement Day, with a certain young British actor by the name of Orlando Bloom, and do you know what? HE IS NAKED IN IT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And you can see his little sun tattoo on his stomach, and bum crack…. Nice nice nice... and his little fake accent when he says 'you losing your bott'e jack?'! And his really really really bad death scene… so bad it's good! The worrying thing is, he looks really really sexy when hes lying on the floor with a pitchfork sticking out of him….  
  
Oh, and also, I have bought a DVD from National Geographic (which is sad) called Behind the movie, Lord of the Rings! That's amazing too! Behind the scenes, little cut scenes, Elrond's manly 'noise' and his girly running, Elijah Wood saying Tolkien and pronouncing it as 'toi'keen', Billy Boyd, Dominic Monaghan, Orlando Bloom…. Ahhhh, nice….  
  
And Ive just thought… our reaction to that preview is the worlds most perfect advert for lord of the rings!  
  
This is meee…Laura. I can only mutter "OH MY WOW!!!" about what I saw because…there are no words to describe it. Really!!  
  
So anyhoo, I also bought Priscilla, queen of the desert, because its good!!! It is!?! Yes! And I got the MM thing as well…..aww Orli in the most incredibly bad death scene I have ever seen (and I've seen some bad ones) and was it only me that had the urge to have Aragorn shouting "Quick somebody's dying!! I must go and lay on him!!" when he fell? Yes? Oh.  
  
I also bought the National Geographic thing….yes we did buy the same things…like the trading cards and the postcards….yes we are sad. (in the stylee of Vince from Queer As Folk) WOW! OH MY GOD! WE ARE SO SAD!!! Anyhoo, yes I bought the NG thing and it is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. DOMINIC MONAGHAN WITH HIS BOODIFUL MANKY ACCENT!!! He is soooooo fine (I likes him, could you guess?) and mucky Sam and dancing Sam and walking Sam and basically SAM!!! And Billy Boyd wiv his boodiful accent!! And the scenes we didn't see and elrond's manly noise (not to be confused with Sam's AMAZING manly GRRR! Man's sanly grr in the words of Rowan) and its just fantastico!! Tis!  
  
Okay I am going to go and stare at DOMINIC MONAGHAN (he has to be in capitals) so byesy bye bye and ROWAN? Yes? WRITE MORE ME AND DOM!! AND ME AND MERRY AND PIPPIN AND SAM AND FRODO!! Please.  
  
"What's this? A flip-flop caught off it's guard?"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Aragorn, I think the Author is going through some weird phase…" Legolas managed to say, as Frodo trudged past him. Aragorn flung some doors open.  
  
"I know… I can't stop opening these doors." He glanced down and saw a broach lying on the floor and bent down to pick it up. A small storm cloud appeared above Legolas' head. Sam danced past him, holding an imaginary someone.  
  
"Help me Aragorn!" He tried to ask, but was suddenly whirled away. Merry and Pippin landed in a heap on the floor. Pippin looked over, concerned, at Merry, who had blood on his forehead. (Laura faints)  
  
"Merry? Are you okay?" Merry nodded.  
  
"Its okay, its fake…" Frodo trudged past them, his hand clenched into a fist.  
  
"The ring… its getting heavy…" He muttered. Sam whirled past.  
  
"The rings destroyed Mr Frodo…" He called out, and Frodo frowned gently.  
  
"Oh yeah…" He stopped walking, and looked round. Legolas had drawn his bow, aiming the arrow straight ahead with a slightly worried look on his face.  
  
"Help me! I can't put my bow down!" Aragorn opened the doors again and looked over at the elf.  
  
"I'm coming Legolas!" He managed to leap forward and hit the elf square on, knocking him to the floor. "Are you okay?" He asked the elf who was lying below him. Legolas gulped.  
  
"Aragorn, you saved me…" The ranger gasped as he realized what position he was in. "And you look surprisingly yummly all of a sudden…"  
  
* * *  
  
I will update soon… honest… and that little piece has nothing to do with the plot (it has one?)… its just ttpreview inspired nonsense… 


	16. Random Fluffy Chapter Dedicated To All T...

Yeah yeah, an extremely fluffy chapter.. I CANNAE HELP IT! I mean it, I can't. well, basically, this is for Laura and all the others who wanted me to write Elijah/Orlando, Sean/Elijah fluff… Grrr, I don't write this kind of thing, I tell you! Its only cos I is staying at me cousins house and she got me all hyper and told me to imagine Orlando and Elijah naked in a forest…. And Dom and Billy naked… They're all naked! Wahay!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Sean sat next to Elijah, acutely aware of his friend's tenseness. The younger man was glaring at the hobbit sat next to Orlando. The handsome dark-haired man (with the nice eyes) was leaning in close to Sam, his hand resting on the hobbit's shoulder. He was whispering intimately, Sam nervously twisting the material of his waistcoat between his fingers.  
  
Sean sighed gently and touched Elijah on the arm. The younger man whirled round, shocked. His face set in a forced smile.  
  
"Oh Sean."  
  
'Why do you let him do this to you? You know he loves you, you shouldn't let it get to you." Sean slowly started rubbing Elijah's arm comfortingly. Elijah just sighed and leant into the touch slightly.  
  
"I know, I know." He gave Sean a shaky smile, and let himself relax into Sean's arms. 'Maybe… maybe, a taste of his own medicine…' a sly smile slid across his lips and he looked up at his older friend, a wicked gleam in his eyes. Sean, blissfully unaware of his friend's revelation, was suddenly shocked to find a hand creeping up his shirt. His eyes widened and he looked down to see Elijah's heated gaze staring back at him.  
  
"Er…" He said, unsure of how to react as his friend leant closer.  
  
"Do you want me Sean?" Elijah's voice was slow and seductive, lulling Sean into relaxing against the palm of Elijah's hand as it slowly stroked his stomach. Grinning slightly, Elijah leant up and let his lips brush against Sean's slightly trembling ones…  
  
  
  
Orlando looked up.  
  
"Erc!" He yelped, as he spotted Sean and Elijah kissing.  
  
"Orcs? Where?" Sam leapt to his feet, mysteriously pulling the Frying Pan of Death from somewhere about his person. Orlando didn't notice him, staring in horror at his lover in a slightly less-than-innocent embrace with their mutual friend. "Mr Orl… Orli?" Orlando's mouth dropped open, and he jerked from his gazed state to look up at the hobbits standing above him. "Are you okay?" Sam sat back down next to the Thing, and rested his hand on Orlando's arm. Orlando looked confused (he's good at doing that).  
  
"Why? Why is he…? Why?" Sam just smiled as comfortingly as he could (nice image there) and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.  
  
"Go get your man Orli."  
  
  
  
Elijah slowly and reluctantly pulled away from Sean's lips, keeping his eyes closed, licking his lips and making a satisfied 'hmmm' sound. He could feel Sean's breath against his moistened lips. Annoyingly (yet hopefully for the more romantic of you out there) he felt a pang of guilt, briefly remembering Orlando's flushed face, trembling lips and those deep chocolate brown eyes…  
  
"I'm sorry Sean, I…I shouldn't have…" Elijah stuttered, avoiding Sean's curious gaze.  
  
"Hey, it's okay, really." Sean just smiled reassuringly, and removed Elijah's hand from his shirt. "The Authors spell right?"  
  
"Right." They both smiled at each other.  
  
  
  
With dramatic suddenness, a hand clamped down on Elijah's shoulder and he was dragged into the wood. Sean waved goodbye.  
  
"What do you want?" Elijah yelped, as he was dropped unceremoniously in a clearing.  
  
"Elijah, its me. Don't overact." Elijah blushed a little.  
  
"Orlando, I…"  
  
"Don't!" Orlando pressed a finger to Elijah's lips, silencing him. "Just let me…" He sighed, and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm sorry.' Elijah opened his mouth to protest, but Orlando kept talking. "I'm sorry for the way I act around the others. I'm sorry for leaving you out. I… I'm sorry for the way I am. I'm just a selfish bastard and I don't know why you put up with me." He stopped and turned away, not noticing Elijah's small smile.  
  
"Oh Orli." He stepped forward. "I want you. I love you. I love the way you are. Never apologize, never, 'cos you're absolutely perfect." Slowly, Orlando turned round, his eyes closed, his breathing a little quicker than usual.  
  
'I'm dreaming, right?" He whispered, but Elijah stepped forward, grabbed his head and kissed him hard on the lips. Orlando's eyes shot open, then flickered shut and he leant into Elijah's embrace, letting himself get lost in the feelings. Orlando realized that Elijah wasn't the dominant one nearly enough.  
  
  
  
Frodo, meanwhile, was wandering around the wood, muttering under his breath. Suddenly he stopped and threw himself to the floor.  
  
"Oh, Athelas. Kingsfoil? Ah that's a weed.' Then he stood up and stumbled forward, running into a tree and looking up at it pleadingly. "No-one knows its here, do they? Do they, Gandalf?" Getting no reply from the tree, Frodo carried on, occasionally clutching at his neck and muttering to himself.  
  
  
  
Sam looked over at Sean. Sean avoided the hobbits gaze, quickly refastening the buttons that Elijah had undone. Sam, who sat twiddling his thumbs (how do you do that?), watched the Thing closely. The Thing sighed and looked around, very interested in the grass, trees, stars, his shoes and anything that wasn't hobbit. Talking of which…  
  
"Where's Frodo?" He asked casually. Sam looked around.  
  
"Mr Frodo!" he yelped, leaping to his feet and racing into the forest. Sean, sensing something was wrong, followed him. He missed, in his haste, a moan carried by on the breeze…  
  
"Ooooorli…" 


	17. The Morning After The Night Before

Well then, to anyone who don't know what good ole British fish and chips are like… feel lucky…. No, I'm just kidding, they are wonderful! Imagine LARGE fries (made of real potatoes) cooked to just the right point of burnt o the outside and soggy on the inside, soaked in vinegar,,, lots and lots of vinegar… covered in lumpy gravy (optional) and covered in a mountain of salt, all swimming in grease… add to that a fish, battered in something (we aint not sure what it is), and again, soaked in vinegar, and dumped on top… absolutely divine. They are wonderfule… also, pie and sausage (optional batter) available. Chip butties… a baps/breadcakes/lumps of bread cut in half filled to overflowing with burnt/soggy chips, soaked in vinager, with ketchup/salt/salad cream/mayonnaise/brown sauce/curry sauce optional. They are nice… really.#  
  
The line 'they're trying to kill us' is my line. I came up with it whilst buying said chips in lumpy gravy with mountains of salt in Mankychester! Picture the scene…  
  
Me and my cousin laura, in a chippy just up the road from where she lives (im staying there this week and a half), around lunchtime. We decided to get some chips and gravy. We stood there, watching in awe at the scallyness* of the girls serving us, when suddenly she asked. 'salt?' so I nodded, like a fool! FATAL MISTAKE! Laura knew, but she did not stop them! Mevil girl! On went salt.. and on and on and on and on and on and on…. I think she used up a small ocean. In horror, I leant over and muttered 'They're trying to kill us' in a strange accent. Laura tied not to piss herself laughing on the floor…  
  
*I am NOT explaining what scallyness is… ask Laura (aka 'The Hand Of Gondor aka The Author Formerly Known As Easy Access Culture Slut')  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The camp was surprisingly empty when Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir returned.  
  
"Where are the Things?"  
  
"The Halflings?" Boromir seemed upset. He scurried around the clearing.  
  
"Where could they be?" Legolas ignored Boromir's frantic searching. Aragorn looked round quickly.  
  
"I know not, my friend." He raised his hand to run it through his hair, then suddenly remembered what happened last time, and settled with scratching his eyebrow. "There are no signs of a fight. Boromir, put that log down. We should start searching for them. We must set off before noon. Boromir! They are *not* under that rock!"  
  
"Then we must act quickly." Legolas said, turning to find Boromir kneeling on the floor by the aforementioned log, ear pressed to the ground.  
  
"Boromir?"  
  
"I wonder what worms sound like." He said thoughtfully, glancing up to see the Man and Elf staring at him. "What?"  
  
  
  
Orlando's eyes opened slowly to see dark hair right below him. Then he felt something. Something very nice. He closed his eyes again and groaned as Elijah nibbled on his collarbone. Then he giggled as the younger man started sucking, his fingers trailing lightly up Orlando's sides, and he slowly moved up the older mans neck. Elijah raised his head slightly and licked at Orlando's ear.  
  
"Morning." He pushed himself up and looked down at the older man.  
  
"Good morning." Orlando grinned, reaching up to gently touch Elijah's cheek. "Should we find the others?"  
  
"I don't want to." They kissed slowly, and reluctantly pulled apart. "But I suppose we don't have a choice." He rolled over and watched Orlando stand up and stretch, before recovering his clothes from the surrounding foliage.  
  
"You know, if I had a videocamera I'd make a fortune." Orlando laughed as he pulled his clothes back on, and turned to see Elijah smirking at him.  
  
"Come on porn-master." He held his hand out and pulled the younger man to his feet, and started to dress him. Elijah let him, watching entranced as Orlando finished the buttons on his shirt, then gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "We have to get back." Elijah smiled and kissed him back a little more passionately.  
  
"So how was your first time?"  
  
  
  
"Frodo!" Legolas quickly swung up on a low tree branch and swiftly climbed up the tree. "Sam! Sean!" Sighing as he heard no reply, the elf dropped back down, and landed silently between Aragorn and Boromir.  
  
"No sign?" Aragorn said, without looking round.  
  
"No, you know I di… Aaaaaah!" Boromir seemed to have realized Legolas was there. "Wow, how'd ya do that?"  
  
"I am an elf Boromir. Or hadn't you noticed?" Aragorn grinned to himself, then suddenly stopped dead and held his hand up.  
  
"Hear that?" They all stopped and listened. There, very faintly, was a familiar voice.  
  
"You are not yourself." Then a pause. "What will I see?…Gandalf."  
  
"That way!" Legolas cried, leaping forward, leaving Boromir and Aragorn to follow him.  
  
  
  
Merry raised his head, groaned, and slumped back down. Pippin sneezed.  
  
"Hair…" He muttered, bringing his hand up to shove Merry's head off his chest. Merry smiled and snuggled up to the younger hobbit's side.  
  
"We have to get up." He murmured.  
  
"Don't wanna."  
  
"Well we gotta." Pippin opened his eyes and looked blearily at Merry.  
  
"'Kay."  
  
  
  
Sean and Sam stumbled through the woods, exhausted. All night, and no sign of Frodo.  
  
"I need a rest." Sam said, leaning against a tree. "And food. I'm starving." Sean stopped and looked around, scratching his head.  
  
"Yeah... Can you smell something?"  
  
"It's not Aragorn again is it?"  
  
"No, something nicer than Aragorn…" The hobbit and the Thing sniffed. A breeze drifted by, waved as it passed them, and continued on into the forest. Following it was a smell never before smelt in Middle Earth. It was… Fish and chips.  
  
"What's that?" Sam asked Sean, who smiled.  
  
"Food."  
  
  
  
They followed their noses, and came to a large clearing (gad, there's hundreds of 'em). At one end stood a small building on wheels. It was a trailer. There was a hatch in one side. Around the clearing were about a dozen tables, with chairs randomly placed around them. On the chairs were sat several elves, eating something Sam had never seen before. Confused, Sean and Sam walked up to the trailer and joined the queue, behind two elves who were being served. Sean, being the taller of the two, could see a cute elf with messy blonde hair and grey eyes shaking some salt from a container, onto a rather suspicious looking pile of chips, covered in lumpy gravy. As even more salt was added, the taller of the elves leant towards the other and muttered 'they're trying to kill us'. The cute elf in the trailer waved the two elves off as they walked to a table then turned to the next in line.  
  
"Ah! Master Gamgee and Master Astin!" Sean and Sam looked at each other.  
  
"You know us?" Glorfindel nodded.  
  
"Of course, Elrond told me all about you two." He folded his arms on the counter and leant forward. "We've had some trouble with that Author. Terrible. We were forced to play strange instruments for hours! Horrible business. Absolutely horrible." He sighed and shook his head. "Ah well. What would you two fella's like then?"  
  
  
  
The Lord of Imladris sat at a table on the edge of the clearing. In one hand he held a small flip-up mirror, and was stroking his left eyebrow with the other. A dish of chips was on the table in front of him.  
  
"Hi." He looked up to see a girl sat at the table in front of him. She had shoulder length brown hair, brown eyes, a t-shirt saying 'never underestimate the power of a sick mind', and the baggiest pair of trousers Elrond had seen in his 7000 years. It was, of course, Laura.  
  
"Hello." He put the mirror back in the breast pocket of his tuxedo, and picked up the plastic fork.  
  
"Can I…" Laura started then stopped nervously. He raised an eyebrow at her. "Ah! The Eyebrows!" She shrieked then stopped and looked round nervously, but the other elves ignored her. Elrond just looked shocked. "Sorry bout that. Can I…Can I call you Mitzi?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Agent Smith?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Rex?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Jeremy the randy estate agent?"  
  
"No!" Elrond wasn't sure what an estate agent was, but if they were anything like this girl, he didn't want to know.  
  
"Oh." She gave him a sly smile. "How about Elly?" Elrond glared at her till she grinned nervously and slunk off back into the forest, and he retrieved his mirror.  
  
  
  
Boromir, Legolas, Aragorn and a still murmuring Frodo wandered into the clearing and jerked to a stop. Sam and Sean noticed them and waved frantically to get their attention. Merry and Pippin trudged in a little while later, starving hungry and desperate for some chippy goodness. They sat round the table, munching on chip butties, battered fish and vinegar soaked chips, wondering where Elijah and Orlando were.  
  
  
  
Elijah and Orlando, however, had found an excellent use for the small clearing behind Glorfindel's trailer. 


	18. Watersports

Okay, Laura gave me the idea of a lake… Not the falling over part, mind you, just the whole 'lake' thang… oh and she begged me to write more Billy and Dominic… cos she loves him, apparently… I think she likes The Balding Man…  
  
LEGOLAS NAKED!! WOOHOO! I actually imagined this whilst in the car, driving through Mankychester with Laura, who was dancing at the side of me to 60's music…she is sad… okay, she has just made a good point, I was dancing also… less said about that the better… have u realised how amazingly well the fellowship fit into a musical?  
  
'Stridy! Remember me!'  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The fish and chip incident had unsettled the fellowship a little, but not enough to stop Sam, Merry and Pippin having seconds and thirds, and fourths for Pippin, though he claimed he was full after the second helping. It was just after Orlando and Elijah had reappeared that they realized Billy and Dominic hadn't appeared for three chapters.  
  
"You think we should go look for them?" Aragorn looked over at the elf, who had a mouthful of chips and salty gravy. He shrugged. Boromir, his fish and chips already eaten, looked longingly at the battered fish lying at the bottom of Aragorn's plate.  
  
"They'll be alright." He said, sneakily reaching over to steal it with his plastic fork. Aragorn slapped his hand away.  
  
"Maybe, in an hour or so." Legolas looked around the clearing and his gaze rested on Elrond sitting alone at a table and looking around as if paranoid someone, or thing, was going to come and talk to him. "Um, back in a minute." He slid from the bench and made his way over to the half-elf. Aragorn watched him go with a slight pout. Elijah and Orlando grinned at each other and smiled sweetly holding hands. Sam sat next to Sean and was biting into his chip butty. Sean was chatting to Merry and Pippin, watching in fascination as undisclosed amounts of food disappeared in their direction.  
  
"Aragorn's jealous." Boromir whispered to Sam, and several elves on the table next to them looked up in interest.  
  
"Legolas doesn't like Elrond…" Sam said, putting his chip butty back onto the plate. Boromir grinned knowingly. "He does?!"  
  
"Yep." Boromir reached over and stole a chip from Orlando's plate, as the Thing was a little preoccupied with Elijah.  
  
  
  
Billy woke up with a start. He shook his head, blinked several times, then looked around. Dominic was sat on a fallen log a little way away, smirking at him.  
  
"Morning." He said as Billy sat up and stretched.  
  
"What time is it?"  
  
"I have no idea." Dominic stood up and walked over to Billy, crouching next to him. "We'd better go find the others." Billy nodded, and rubbed his eyes roughly.  
  
"How'd we get here anyway?" Dominic shrugged.  
  
"I have no idea. By all accounts it doesn't make sense." Billy shivered.  
  
"Cold." He muttered, and Dominic smiled gently and slid his arm around Billy's shoulders.  
  
"Come on Billy." He squeezed Billy's shoulders reassuringly. "Get up." He tried standing whilst still holding onto Billy, failed miserably and ended up flopping back down, landing on Billy's lap. "Oh, you are up."  
  
  
  
Aragorn chewed on the straw to his drink, glaring at his foster father at the other side of the clearing. Elrond was talking to… well, being talked to by Legolas, smirking occasionally at the younger elf. Aragorn sighed and tried to concentrate on sucking the straw, but the images that conjured up were distracting him.  
  
"That's it." He stood, brushing himself off and grabbing Anduril. "I'm going to find Billy and Dominic. Be back later." They watched him go with mild interest.  
  
  
  
Dominic looked down at Billy, who was watching him with an unfamiliar predatory look in his eyes.  
  
"We're all mucky Billy." He murmured, leaning closer. Billy grinned.  
  
"We'd better get these dirty clothes off then." Billy pushed his body up against Dominic's, hearing the younger man groan.  
  
"What good will that do?" Dominic closed his eyes and tried to focus on something a little less mind-numbingly incredible than Billy rubbing up against him.  
  
"You're complaining?"  
  
"Oh god, no!"  
  
  
  
Aragorn fell over a lake. With a yelp, he landed face first in some shallow water. Spluttering, he sat up and looked round in shock. He was standing at the shore of a medium sized lake, where trees had been just moments before. His eyes widened.  
  
"Oh crap." He muttered, then frowned in confusion at the unfamiliar word.  
  
  
  
Billy led Dominic through the woods by the hand, his eyes widening in anticipation as he saw the lake.  
  
"Dominic, time to get naked."  
  
  
  
Aragorn crept round the lakeside. He had heard something that sounded suspiciously like moaning. Aragorn had been a ranger for a long time, and had seen many strange things in his travels. But what he hadn't expected to see was the two missing Things kissing madly in the lake. Especially when they looked like Merry and Pippin, only taller… with different hair, ears and probably various other things as well. As Aragorn watched, and felt like a dirty old man, the slightly shorter Thing started… thrusting? There was thrusting now? Aragorn, having not seen anything like that since he'd accidentally wandered into Haldirs room in Lothlorien, decided to wait a little further in the forest and confront the two Things when they'd finished. Maybe that would give him time to stop seething about Elrond, get the image of the two Things from his mind, and stop thinking about Legolas… in the water… naked in the…  
  
Aragorn groaned to himself and banged his head against the nearest tree.  
  
  
  
Unbeknownst to Aragorn, Billy or Dominic, the others had finished their fish and chips, waved goodbye to the elves, left Lord Elrond talking to a strange girl who kept calling him Elly, and had set off to find the remaining members of the fellowship.  
  
  
  
Legolas was inspecting his tunic with a concerned look on his face. It was in danger of becoming smelly. He unbuttoned the top layer and peered down under it. Yes, it needed a wash.  
  
"Everyone. We need a wash." He called out, and the others regarded him with a skeptical look. "What? It's a possibility that I might get smelly! We can't let that happen!" Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam and Boromir knew, by now, not to get between an elf and his hygiene, and quickly stopped Sean, Elijah and Orlando questions and curious looks. After a few moments of quiet listening, Legolas pointed. "That way! I hear splashing… And moaning, for some inexplicable reason."  
  
  
  
Dominic was surprised. Billy was unlike anything he had ever known. Mainly because he could do that thing with the tongue and… He moaned again as Billy did that tongue thing again.  
  
"Billy…" He gasped, twisting Billy's short hair between his fingers. "Did you hear that?" Billy raised his head.  
  
"Hear what?"  
  
"Something." In an amazing feat of self-control, or great idiocy, Dominic pushed Billy's body away from his. "What if someone's coming?"  
  
"Give me a chance and you will." Billy muttered, but moved away and turned towards the shore.  
  
  
  
"Water!" With a triumphant cry, Legolas raced from the trees and hastily started stripping on the shore. The others, minus Aragorn, followed him, stopping in shock at the now half-naked elf. Sam turned his head away and blushed bright red. Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Boromir stared in fascination. Sean's mouth fell open; Elijah reached over and closed it for him, whilst grinning mischievously at Orlando, "Hey, there's Billy and Dom." Orlando waved at the two Things, who had moved as far apart as possible. They waved back nervously. "What are you doing?"  
  
"What does it look like? We're having a bath!" Dominic called back.  
  
"A very good idea." Legolas grinned, having completely disrobed and was undoing the braids in his hair. Even Sam was staring at the naked elf, still blushing.  
  
"Legolas!" Aragorn ran out from between the trees, to stand in front of the nude elf (did I mention he was NAKED) to hide him from the others, particularly Sam, who had started to hyperventilate.  
  
"What?" Legolas looked confused. The ranger sighed.  
  
"Do you mind? Just because elves have no idea what 'modesty' is, doesn't mean that you have to walk around naked in front of innocent young…" He glanced over at Merry, Pippin and Frodo, who were trying to peer round the ranger's legs to see the elf again. "Walk around naked in front of hobbits, that shouldn't be distracted at a time like this!"  
  
"Hey, don't hate me cos I'm beautiful." He flashed Aragorn a big, cheesy grin, then ran full tilt into the water. Aragorn was left with an image of Legolas running, wearing only a big grin, and he groaned again, searching for the nearest tree to bang his head against. 


	19. Don't Call Me A Wangry

Yes, Elrond in a dress… I like that image… he has really nice legs! He really does! Yes he does Laura! Don't interrupt my manic (street preachers) typing! If you haven't seen Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, you should! It's a very good fillum! Tis! You shall see Hugo Weaving in the dress that is described in this story! WITH FISHNET TIGHTS!  
  
Do you all know what Orville is? If not, then it's a giant green bird that wears a nappy, has a very high-pitched voice and it absolutely terrified my cousin and me when we were little toddlers… and still does actually…. it released a song... 'I wish I could fly, right up to the sky, but I can't…' cos we would shoot it if it did…  
  
Wangry is a phrase I 'ave nicked, I 'ave. From Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps... funny show…  
  
AND CHIP BUTTIES ARE ACTUALLY VERY NICE! HINDEED!  
  
WEVE SEEN THE PREVIEW AGAIN! WOOHOO!  
  
Oh, and MarigoldG, thankyou for noting the NOT GRAPHIC AT ALL, LAURA!, line about 'give me a chance and you will… honestly, she complains, then wont let me take it out, wonder why? She keeps chanting Dominic next to me, its quite disturbing… and where was Billy's head? And which one am I talking aboot?  
  
Oh, and I HAVE INSPIRATION! I AM NOT USED TO THIS!  
  
Thanks to MarigoldG from Laura… (the hand of gondor, ie the author formerly known as easy access culture slut) she is very happy with your reviews of her story. We danced!  
  
This is like the 5th time I've changed this tonight!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Aragorn was upset. He had left Gondor on the condition that he would go on a decent quest, or orc-hunt, and spend a little time with his best buddy Legolas. He knew he shouldn't have bothered when Arwen insisted on coming as far as Rivendell to see 'dear Daddy', and had delayed him for three days by packing dresses, hair clips and several bags of 'women's things'. It hadn't exactly filled him with confidence as, on his arrival, both Elrond and Glorfindel had cornered him for the 'you better treat her right or we will remove a certain part of your anatomy with Sam's garden shears' talk. After satiating Elrond's manic over-protective streak, he had run into Legolas braiding his hair. That in itself wasn't that bad. The fact that it was in bunches with bright pink ribbons just added to his long list of 'moments to forget'.  
  
  
  
And now he was finally on this quest to destroy a powerful Author, and he wished he had never bothered. Give him Uruk-hai, give him huge fire breathing Balrogs, hell, give him annoying wizards who speak in riddles and steal the best horses, but the first glimpse of a slash-happy Author, and he would happily curl up in bed and read a good book.  
  
  
  
Legolas was still brushing his hair, braiding it quickly (but fortunately for Aragorn's sanity, not in bunches). All the hobbits, Boromir and Sean kept giving him heated stares, which he ignored and chatted quietly to Elijah and Orlando, the only ones who seemed unaffected by the elf's complete lack of modesty.  
  
"Everyone." Aragorn stood up and clapped his hands to get everyone's attention. "We seem to have forgotten what we're on this mission… quest… thing… for in the first place!" He frowned as several members of the Fellowship giggled. "We set off in an hour! Be ready or we leave you behind!" He shook his head and started to get his stuff together.  
  
"Someone's in a mood." Legolas muttered, wandering over to gather his bow, quiver and daggers. Sean sidled up to him.  
  
"Hi Legolas." He grinned. The elf gave him a funny look (so Sean gave it back, with 10% interest).  
  
"Hi Sean." He said back, fastening his quiver onto his back.  
  
"Want some help with that?" Sean offered, smiling at Legolas.  
  
"No its okay. Really." Legolas clipped his daggers on. "I've been doing this for 3000 years, I think I've got the hang of it." Sean nodded, and there was an uncomfortable silence.  
  
"I, er… I have to just… go over there." He grinned nervously and sidled off.  
  
  
  
The hobbits packed their stuff reluctantly. They didn't want to go to Mordor. To be honest, Merry and Pippin had quite enjoyed their little romp in the woods, and Sam was eyeing Orlando up as they packed. Frodo was happy watching the others make fools of themselves, and Aragorn and Legolas was much more entertaining than watching the ringwraiths wander round his house, though Sam had claimed they weren't there. Frodo had concluded that Sam was either selectively blind, or had been affected by that evil round metal object of power. Don't know what effect that might have on a poor hobbit gardener like Samwise.  
  
  
  
Orlando and Elijah didn't bother packing. Mainly because the only thing they had brought was their clothes (which were in danger of getting lost in the surrounding foliage whenever they came across an isolated clearing). Billy and Dominic had finally gotten out of the water, and kept flashing each other… er, heated stares. Kept flashing each other heated stares. Obviously.  
  
  
  
Aragorn was pleased. For the first time since that damned round metal object of power was found, the others were actually listening to him. He hadn't actually wanted to go on that quest, damn destiny interfering again. All he wanted was to wander the wilds and kill orcs and looks suspicious and harass hobbits in sleazy pubs. But no, he had to 'face his destiny', and actually have *baths* for Valar's sake! He's a *ranger*! He didn't do *baths*. However, Aragorn's surprisingly good mood was soon to be interrupted.  
  
  
  
"Ah! Help me! Please, someone help me!" A figure in a green sparkly dress, with a corset top and silver lining, racing towards them from between the trees. It ran towards them, Merry and Pippin quickly stepped to the side, and the figure ran into Legolas, wrapping its arms round him.  
  
"Lord Elrond?" Legolas looked at the petrified figure that was draped over him. Elrond shuddered.  
  
"Please! Please help me! Hide me! Anything!" He whimpered, and clung harder to the surprised blonde elf. Legolas soothingly stroked his hair, and looked down at him, trying not to look down his corset.  
  
"What do you mean? What's after you?"  
  
"Orcs?" Sam asked hopefully, already gripping the handle of the Frying Pan of Death.  
  
"Elly! Elly, where are you?" A female voice called out, and Elrond shrieked and ducked behind Legolas. Laura ran out from between the trees. "Elly? Ah, Elly, there you are!" She started towards Elrond, but Legolas had drawn his bow (realized now was not the time and put the pencils and paper away) and aimed an arrow at Laura.  
  
"Back, foul demon!"  
  
"She… She keeps calling me Elly and making fun of my eyebrows!" Elrond whimpered, and Aragorn patted his bare shoulder sympathetically. Laura sighed.  
  
"I was just saying. They do frighten small children!" Suddenly, she shrieked and clapped her hand to her mouth. "Ah! Scary images! Michael Jackson… with Elrond's eyebrows… and Orville's body! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" The fellowship watched in shock as Laura (as she had scared herself) turned and ran towards the trees again. She suddenly screeched to a halt. Dominic was smiling at her, and he waved shyly. She fainted, woke up, pulled herself to her feet, waved back, smiled shyly and walked off.  
  
"So, Elrond. Why the dress?" Elrond sheepishly stepped out from behind Legolas. "Fishnet tights? Honestly, Elrond, you have no style!" Aragorn rolled his eyes.  
  
"Its not my fault!" Elrond protested.  
  
  
  
Billy glared at Dominic, an angry look on his face (you know, pursed lips, narrowed eyes, very sexy…). Dominic noticed, and sighed.  
  
"Billy, don't be jealous." Billy just folded his arms and turned his head away. "Don't get angry wangry!"  
  
"Don't call me a wangry!" 


	20. Welcome To Caradhras

I am very tired. And megh. I have just woken up, kinda. My coooooosin woke me upe cos id fallen aslpeep just before the chess parrt. Aaah. If give in. laura, writren erfor rme…  
  
She's very tired…she's sorry she brought this upon you my boy, she's sorry for everything….  
  
I don't own starbucks….  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
By some small miracle, the fellowship started, again, on their quest, leaving Elrond by the lake. The Elf-lord seemed none the worse for his 'experience' and was wearing Aragorn's clothes, forcing Aragorn to wear Merry's spare set of trousers and shirt. Legolas had to admit, hobbit clothes made a rather fetching outfit of shorts and crop-top for a grown Man. Aragorn looked down at his exposed midriff.  
  
"I don't see why I should wear this." Legolas patted his shoulder. (What a nice shoulder. What's its name?)  
  
"Because he's an elf-lord. And your foster father. And your father-in-law… look on the bright side, he could have made you wear the dress." Aragorn just humphed, and trekked on ahead. It was hard to look important in the Middle-Earth equivalent of cycling shorts.  
  
  
  
Boromir had decided to walk next to Legolas, and was humming a tune to himself. Legolas, being an elf and having an ear for music, politely enquired what tune it was.  
  
"What the hell is that noise? I've heard more tuneful cave trolls!" Boromir smiled proudly.  
  
"It's my new song; Three arrows and counting." Legolas sighed in despair and rolled his eyes.  
  
  
  
Orlando walked hand-in-hand with Elijah, blissfully unaware of anything around them. Merry, Pippin and Frodo followed Legolas and Boromir, intently watching the elf walk. Sam walked next to Orlando, shooting him wistful looks. Sean was walking next to Aragorn, laughing at him. Billy and Dominic followed them all, Dominic trying desperately not to convince Billy to do the tongue thing, and Billy trying desperately not to do it.  
  
  
  
Aragorn looked round confused, as the fellowship trudged through thick woods. He had been through these woods a hundred times in his 90 years (yes, he is that old) and he knew that these trees weren't this close before. He heard a yelp as a hobbit was hit by a tree branch that had been carelessly swung back into him. Legolas appeared next to him, glanced down at his outfit and giggled.  
  
"Aragorn, something's going on…" He dissolved into giggles, snorted and then managed to stop laughing long enough to finish his sentence. "Something's going on. I don't like this… I keep expecting something to happen." Legolas looked around, and then burst into giggles again.  
  
  
  
Legolas had every reason to be concerned (and laughing hysterically). A few hours later as the duck settled… er dusk settled, the fellowship stepped, stumbled, fell and skipped their way from between the trees… onto a snow covered mountainous landscape. They stared at it blankly for about five minutes, then turned round to look at the forest only to discover it had vanished.  
  
"Well." Aragorn said, suddenly painfully aware of his rather severe lack of warm clothes. "300 miles off our journey. Yay." He shivered. Legolas shielded his eyes from the sun (and Aragorn's chest) and peered up the mountain.  
  
"I see something… a building." He looked round at the others, who had shuffled together to keep warm, like penguins. Boromir had Aragorn cuddled up to his chest, with his cloak wrapped around both of them. Legolas raised his eyebrows questioningly.  
  
"We…we'd better… go then." Aragorn said, teeth chattering in the freezing cold.  
  
  
  
The building had turned out to be more than just a hut, like the hobbits, elf and men suspected. In fact, only the Things knew exactly what it was.  
  
"It's a ski resort." Orlando said, to Legolas, Boromir and the hobbits. Aragorn was a shivering heap, wrapped in Boromir's cloak. "Its where… okay, skiing is where you strap two long, thin boards on your feet and slide down a hill…" The others gave him a blank look. "It's really big where I come from. Really, its great fun."  
  
"So, a ski resort is…" Boromir raised his eyebrows questioningly.  
  
"Is where you stay when you're not skiing…" The others looked at each other, then back at Orlando. "Its fun. You'll like it…"  
  
"We are n… not skiing." Aragorn snapped, as they started forward again. "We don't have time." Orlando, Billy and Dominic pouted (a faint thud was heard as Laura fainted again).  
  
  
  
"Hey, they have a gift shop!" Sean ran up, and peered into a window, above which was written 'Caradhras Ski Resort! Last Avalanche: 3years 27days 10hours.' The fellowship regarded this, a little worried.  
  
"Maybe they sell clothes!" Aragorn flung open the doors, winced at the draught, and stepped inside. The rest of the fellowship shared exasperated glances and followed him inside (Billy, Dominic and Orlando are still pouting, and Laura is still unconscious).  
  
  
  
As it turned out, the only clothes they sold were large anoraks, dubbed by Orli as 'flasher coats', novelty socks (both of which had 'I've been to Caradhras… AND SURVIVED!' written on them) and brown leather open toe sandals. Since Aragorn had only Merry's clothes, he had to settle with these. (Sandals and socks… EW) Merry and Pippin had bought naughty type keyrings (the elves at the counter accepted anything that might be money in any known or unknown culture. The fellowship in total spent several handfuls of rocks, leaves, Pippin's scarf, parts of Legolas' hair (to which the elf had protested loudly) and Boromir's fascinating collection of birds feet). All the Things bought a pen each, though Merry and Pippin had said that they could have stolen them from Elrond's Office Supply Warehouse, so Sean said that they weren't thieves like the hobbits were, so Merry slapped him, so Sean slapped him back, so Pippin slapped Sean, so Sean slapped them both, so Sam slapped Sean for insulting hobbitses, so Legolas slapped all of them and told them off for being immature so Merry and Pippin kicked Legolas in the shins and stuck their tongues out at him, but Legolas found that arousing so he ran off and hid behind Boromir… you get the idea. Elijah and Orlando had bought each other mountain shaped lollipops, and kept licking each others…. Er, lollipops. (Oooooooh.) Dominic was sucking (Laura has fainted again) a more normal shaped lollipop, and Billy was watching him with a look of barely contained lust and kept licking his lips, desperately trying not to do the tongue thing. Boromir and Legolas didn't buy anything. Legolas was fondling his now slightly shorter hair, and pouting sulkily at the injustice of it all (author faints………………hi Laura…………………………… Kay, I'm back) and Boromir was resting his hands on the elf's shoulders, massaging slightly, whilst walking just slightly behind him.  
  
"Perhaps we should stay here tonight." Aragorn suggested whilst frowning at the bottom of his coat, which came just above his ankles, showing off his Caradhras socks and hairy legs.  
  
"Really? We can stay?" Billy and Dominic looked pleased. Aragorn looked over at Legolas and Boromir and frowned.  
  
"Yeah, we'll stay."  
  
  
  
That evening, the fellowship lounged around the lounge of the ski resort, drinking coffee. Elijah, Orlando, Billy and Dominic were missing however, as they had seemed very eager to stay in their rooms. Legolas was talking to Boromir, ignoring Aragorn who was more than a little tipsy (and he thought no-one had noticed him slipping something a little stronger into his drink) and had been offering to show what was under his flasher coat. The hobbits were having a game of chess, and Sean was having an animated conversation with the elf behind the counter.  
  
Suddenly, Sam noticed a figure sat alone in a corner, nursing her cup of Starbucks coffee. It was, of course, Laura, wearing her 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me' top, and huge black baggy jeans. Sam, feeling a little sorry for her, excused himself and walked over to her, fiddling with the material of his cloak nervously.  
  
"'Scuse me miss, would you like some company?" She smiled at him.  
  
"Thank you." Said she, and Sam sat on the seat next to her.  
  
  
  
Frodo watched Sam talk to the girl, feeling jealously flare up somewhere inside him. The Author seemed to be having a little too much fun with his gardener. He had seen how Sam had been watching Orlando recently, and now with this girl? What was it again, Laura? Yes, someone was enjoying this way too much.  
  
"Bet ya 3 rocks that he kisses her in under an hour." Merry said, moving the castle forward three squares.  
  
"Bet ya 5 rocks that he kisses her after an hour." Pippin moved his knight and knocked Merry's castle off the board.  
  
"Bet ya 10 rocks that he doesn't kiss her at all." Frodo muttered, glaring at the girl, who Sam now had his arm around.  
  
  
  
"Hey, lookit that." Legolas nodded at Sam and Laura. Boromir looked.  
  
"Hey, is that Sam actually talkin' to a lass, and not blushin'?" Legolas squinted.  
  
"Yes, I believe it is." Boromir, very unsubtly, slipped his arm round Legolas' shoulders. "Its no use Boromir, I am not attracted to you." Boromir just grinned at him.  
  
  
  
"Laura, I'm going to kiss you." Sam said, his arm around her shoulders. She smiled.  
  
"And you seriously think I would try and stop you?" He smiled and leant forward, pressing his lips to hers.  
  
  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Samwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise!" Frodo screamed, but for some inexplicable reason, no-one heard him. 


	21. The Tongue Thing

I had fun writing this one… can u tell? The only thing is, I really disturbed myself when I realised I found the idea of Aragorn and Boromir kissing kinda cute… Lara, this doesn't mean I fancy Boromir! I don't! That weirdness is reserved especially for you! My own weirdness is my Elrond obsession… and my little eyebrow fetish…  
  
Have fun imagining the Tongue Thing… I know I did…  
  
Ah! The chess pieces are out to get me! Nooooo!  
  
Sorry Laura, I just can't write an Orli/Elijah/Dominic threesome… its just too graphic! So, I leave it to your twisted imagination…  
  
To Psycho Cowgirl, MarigoldG, Mercuria, Elendor, Zurizip and everyone else who has very kindly reviewed me (oh, and that weird cousin of mine who likes the ugly hobbit [kidding Laura!] and the other strange one who likes Boromir); Thankyou! Very, very, very muchly! You inspire me!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Frodo was still sulking as Pippin fell asleep leaning against Merry's shoulder. Aragorn had practically passed out on top of Boromir, who was holding him up and had decided to carry him to his room. Legolas was sat on a large couch, and was slowly falling asleep. Sean sat next to him.  
  
"Hi Sean." Legolas murmured, wondering if there was anywhere comfy he could sleep. Sean smiled at him.  
  
"Tired?" The elf nodded, and suddenly noticed how comfy Sean's lap looked. Yawning, he lay down with his head in Sean's lap, and smiled up at the Thing. "Aw, you look so cute when you're sleepy." Sean smiled, slowly starting to stroke the elf's hair, lulling Legolas into wherever it was elves go when they dream. Legolas just kept smiling back, and stretched, before turning his body slightly and wrapping his arms round Sean's knees.  
  
  
  
Aragorn fell through the door to his room, followed by Boromir.  
  
"Fer 'eaven's sake Strider." He shook his head as Aragorn slumped on the bed.  
  
"S'Aragorn to you, Bowmir, I's king o' Gond… Gon…" The ranger dissolved into a fit of giggles. Boromir sighed and closed the door, then walked over to the giggling king of Gondor, and reached down to undo his coat. Aragorn made a noise like a chihuahua being kicked (kinda like 'yip').  
  
"You… You tryin' somethin' Bowmir?" He clutched his coat around him with one hand, and waved a finger accusingly at the other Man.  
  
"Flamin' hell, what d'ya think I am?" Boromir winced at the thought, and tried to go for the sandals and socks instead. Aragorn yipped again, and kicked out at Boromir's hand, but that simple action unbalanced him and he ended up sprawled out on the bed. Aragorn giggled, as Boromir pulled the sandals off. "Aragorn, you're going to bed. You're off yer head, for 'eavens sake." Aragorn pushed himself up on his elbows and smiled widely at Boromir. His coat had fallen open, and Boromir found himself facing a scantily dressed ranger, who's only attire happened to be skin-tight hobbit clothes. He gulped.  
  
"Bowmir…?" Aragorn asked, biting his lip thoughtfully.  
  
"Hmm?" It was the only safe sound Boromir could think of.  
  
"Sing me a song." The ranger smiled sweetly at him and leant forward to grab Boromir's collar and drag him beside him onto the bed.  
  
"Er, anythin' in particular?" Boromir asked, as Aragorn shifted so they were lying facing each other.  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Erm." Boromir thought about it, then started softly. "Three arrows and countin', I hoped 'twas yours that pierced my heart. Holy crap, we're being attacked, and that Uruk's got one heck of a big bow…" Aragorn giggled, and shuffled closer.  
  
"That's kinda sweet." He slurred, lifting his head to try and focus on Boromir's face. Boromir gulped, then kissed him.  
  
Boromir's eyes shot open, and he realised, with horrifying clarity, that he was kissing Aragorn. He jerked away… or at least he tried to. His lips seemed to have other ideas, and were firmly planted onto Aragorn's.  
  
"Hmph!" Aragorn had suddenly sobered up and realised, also with horrifying clarity, that Boromir was kissing him. He tried to move his hands to push the other man away, but they wouldn't move from where they were clutching Boromir's arms.  
  
"Grff…" Boromir said.  
  
"Ntryg!" Aragorn muttered. They both realised that in order to talk, they would have to open their mouths, and they shuddered at the implications.  
  
"Sthuthe." Boromir said, pushing as hard as he could against Aragorn's chest, but his arms wouldn't listen to him.  
  
"Shrp." Aragorn concentrated on his fingers, managing to loosen them a litte.  
  
"Tha…" Boromir realised his dreadful mistake, as Aragorn unwillingly took advantage of his slightly parted lips.  
  
  
  
Merry looked up as Dominic sat down next to him. Pippin snuggled a little more into Merry's shoulder.  
  
"Hi." Dominic smiled at the hobbit, who had leant back a little way to make Pippin a little more comfy.  
  
"Hey… I thought you were with Billy." Dominic blushed.  
  
"I was." Merry raised his eyebrows (have u noticed how much eyebrow raising there is in this story?) "He's asleep."  
  
"Oh." The hobbit smirked at the Thing, who avoided his gaze.  
  
"Merry." Dominic started, then paused as he contemplated what he was about to say. "You've… been with Pippin, haven't you?" Merry shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  
  
"Um… yeah. Why?" Dominic stared at the chessboard on the table. The black king was being trampled by the white one. Dominic briefly wondered when chess pieces had started moving on their own, and developed a thirst for chess genocide, but he let that pass.  
  
"I was just wondering… if…" He blushed again. Merry was getting worried. "Does Pippin do… the Tongue Thing?"  
  
"The Tongue Thing?" Merry looked puzzled, and he tried to remember everything they had done that night in the trench in the woods (sorry, couldn't help myself).  
  
"The Tongue Thing." Dominic stared at him, meaningfully, until Merry suddenly realised.  
  
"Oh… The Tongue Thing…" He grinned, and tightened his grip around the sleeping hobbit laid on him. "I know the Tongue Thing…" The hobbit and the Thing were silent for a moment, remembering their own versions of the Tongue Thing. Then they both sighed happily, and shook themselves out of their little Billy or Pippin induced dream-worlds, and back to reality.  
  
"Hey." They both looked up at the slurred voice, and stared. Orlando rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, stretched, the slumped down on the seat opposite them. That in itself, though a very nice image, wasn't what made them stare. It could have something to do with the fact that Orlando was wearing just black boxers.  
  
"Hello." Merry squeaked, and Orlando gave him a tired smile. Dominic tried to stop himself looking at the scantily dressed Orlando, but he was fighting a losing battle.  
  
"Where's Lij?" He asked, then coughed as his voice came out several notes higher than he intended.  
  
"He wanted a drink." Orlando said in explanation, though it was slightly distracted, as he had just noticed the chessboard. The knight was losing its battle against a rather vicious black castle. "Hey, the chess pieces are…"  
  
"Yeah we know." Merry had settled with staring at the sleeping Pippin, as it took his attention away from Orlando. Sighing and shaking his head, Orlando stood up again.  
  
"Well… better get Elijah his drink. He'll be getting impatient." Dominic gulped and tried to think of something other than Elijah and Orlando… it wasn't working. He watched Orlando wander over to the bar, have a quick chat with the bar-elf (who, for some reason which is totally beyond even the author, didn't seem to be attracted to sleepy half-naked Orlando), get a glass of water and head over to the door. He stopped, his hand resting on the door handle, and glanced over at Dominic, flashing him a quick grin. Dominic just stared back.  
  
"Dom, why don't you come up? Im sure Elijah won't mind…" Orlando, seemingly forgetting all about being tired, gave Dominic his best sultry look. Almost every elf, dwarf, hobbit and man in the place suddenly paid an unhealthy amount of attention to the Thing, and Dominic just grinned, stood up and followed Orli out the door, sticking his tongue out at everyone in the lounge before closing the door.  
  
"Lucky git…" A dwarf muttered. Everyone else was inclined to agree.  
  
  
  
Boromir was getting really fed up. Apparently, the Author had decided that it would be a good idea to get some fondling in there too, and now he was really wishing Aragorn's hands had stayed on his arms. He tried pushing Aragorn away again, but his arms still weren't listening. And they were still kissing. Except now it was a little more… intense.  
  
"We have…" He managed to gasp as they broke away for air, but was cut off again as they were forced back together. "To stop…" and again. "This."  
  
"Yeah…" Aragorn agreed, "This is…" His eyes widened as they suddenly rolled over so Boromir was lying over him. "Getting dis…" His hands started fumbling with Boromir's clothes. "Gusting."  
  
"We should…" He suddenly wished he was wearing more clothes. "Call for…" One of Aragorn's hands tangled in his hair and pulled him down. "Help."  
  
Billy woke up, expecting to find Dominic asleep next to him. He sat up when he realised he was alone. Frowning gently, he climbed out of bed, pulled a dressing gown on (you know those big Victorian ones? Aw, Billy in a dressing gown) and wandered out of the room into the corridor.  
  
"Dom?" He called, getting no reply. Then suddenly, rather faintly, familiar voices could he heard…  
  
"Hel…"  
  
"Plea…"Then a pause, in which muffled groaning could be heard. "…se help!" Billy, very confused, headed down the corridor to where the sounds where coming from.  
  
"Help!" Billy recognized that voice.  
  
"Aragorn?" He called out, reaching out towards the door handle.  
  
"Billy…" An ominous moan drifted from the room. "Boromir… You liked… that?!"  
  
"No…" More rustling. "I dint." Billy nervously turned the handle and swung the door open, peering inside. He gasped in shock at the sight before him…  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Translation time:  
  
"Grff…" Gerroff – Kindly remove yourself  
  
"Ntryg!" Im trying!  
  
"Sthuthe." It's the Author  
  
"Shrp." Shurrup – please be quiet… 


	22. Attack Of The Insulted SlashHappy Author

I don't know why I've been so slash-happy lately… Laura! You've corrupted me, you naughty thing you! Talking about Orli and Elijah and Dominic having threesomes (which they did, in case any readers didn't realise…) and remember where the red hotpants come from? The same place the God of Unruly Pants comes from! Wahay! Don't ya just love our msn conversations?  
  
Mums friend came round earlier (Sean Beans friend) and he was shocked that I didn't fancy him (Sean Bean that is, not him…)! Well he was also shocked that I like the Goon Show, Monty Python, Ken Dodd, Jasper Carrott, Blackadder, Father Ted and Graham Norton…. But he was REALLY shocked when he found out about my handcuffs… I don't know why…  
  
Well, anyhoo, enjoy the wonderful slashyness, and have nice images (like I did whilst writing this)…  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Scarred for life." Billy shook his head, and rubbed his eyes. "That's it, definitely scarred for life." He shuddered and rubbed his eyes again.  
  
"S'not like we wanted to!" Boromir protested from inside the bathroom. Aragorn wandered out of the kitchen, where had been washing his mouth out in the sink.  
  
"Stupid Author." He slumped on the bed, then suddenly remembered what had transpired there earlier, and stood up again. Boromir stuck his head out of the bathroom.  
  
"If ya'd just kept your hands on my arms, then we…"  
  
"If you hadn't opened your mouth in the first place…"  
  
"Well, if you 'adn't got so blind drunk, it'd never…"  
  
"Enough!" Billy snapped, glaring at them. He was beginning to get a headache. "It's the Authors fault, okay?" Boromir and Aragorn nodded, still sulking.  
  
"Hey, do you think it's a good idea to insult the Author like that?" Aragorn pointed out. "I mean, that was bad…"  
  
"The earth dint exactly move for me either, strider." Boromir piped up. Aragorn ignored him.  
  
"But it could be worse… much much worse." The three men exchanged worried glances.  
  
  
  
Elijah woke up. Not a pleasant feeling, considering there was something lying on his chest, and another thing draped over his legs. However, the outlook for the day brightened considerably when he realised the things were actually Things… to be more specific, Orlando and Dominic. He tried to stretch, but stopped that when Orlando moved slightly, groaned into his chest, and slid up to rest his head on the younger man's shoulder. Elijah smiled, and wrapped his arm round his boyfriend's waist. There was a groan from further down the bed.  
  
"Morning." Elijah smiled at him, and Dominic looked up blearily.  
  
"Morning?" He looked around, until he noticed a small alarm clock on the bedside table. He peered at it for a few seconds, trying to focus, and realised it was well into morning. "Oh crap." He tried to stand up, but fell over as he was still tangled in Elijah and Orlando's legs. He managed to climb off the bed, and searched around for his clothes. "I've gotta go…" He said, as he pulled his travelling clothes back on.  
  
"Bye." Elijah called out as Dominic bolted out the door. Orlando raised his head slightly.  
  
"Wha… wha's goin on?" He murmured, sleepily. Elijah gently kissed his forehead.  
  
"Nothing, love. Go back to sleep." Orlando nodded slowly, and then slumped back down. Elijah smiled happily and settled down to sleep.  
  
  
  
Dominic hurried down the hall towards his and Billy's room. He just hoped he got there before Billy woke up. He was his best friend; he shouldn't have to wake up alone, especially after what happened the night before… Dominic stopped and shook his head, then ran the rest of the way to the room. He stopped outside the door, his hand resting on the door handle, and he tried to calm his breathing down a little. Sighing, he opened the door and looked in.  
  
"Billy?" There was no answer, and he stepped inside. "Billy?" He looked around, but there was no-one there. Dominic frowned and wandered back out into the hallway. Then, faintly, he heard something.  
  
"Boromir… don't please! Aragorn, no!" Dominic would recognize that voice anywhere.  
  
"Billy!" He raced down to where the noises where coming from and flung the door open. "Billy I'm… Oh."  
  
Billy looked up pleadingly from where he was handcuffed to the bed. With fluffy red handcuffs, no less. And Dominic was pretty sure that Billy didn't own a pair of red leather hotpants. Aragorn wasn't wearing his coat anymore (or sandals and socks thankfully), and Boromir had seemingly gone for the 70's look, as he was wearing large, bright yellow flares, a purple tanktop, and a jacket with lapels so large he was in danger of taking off if there was a gust of wind. Aragorn looked down at the tube of squirty cream (trench thoughts, bad bad trench thoughts) in his hand, and blushed, but found himself unable to put it down. Boromir quickly tried to hide the sequined bra behind his back, but not before Dominic had noticed it.  
  
"What the hell is going on?!"  
  
"Help me! They've gone crazy!" Billy struggled at his restraints.  
  
"S'not our fault!" Boromir protested, finally managing to throw the bra as far away from him as possible.  
  
"We insulted the Author!" Aragorn said, dropping the tube onto the bed and backing away.  
  
"They're forcin' me to wear this!" Boromir added, also backing away from the seething Dominic, who marched over to Aragorn and held his hand out.  
  
"Keys." He demanded, and Aragorn searched his pockets quickly, before dropping them onto Dominic's palm.  
  
"Ya know, we really dint mean to…" Boromir stated, but Dominic gave him his well-rehearsed death glare, before leaning down and unfastening the handcuffs around Billy's wrists.  
  
"Thanks…" Billy smiled coyly up at Dominic, who suddenly realised how close they were. Forgetting all about Aragorn and Boromir, he dropped the hand cuffs, gently stroked Billy's cheek, and leant down to press their lips together for a sweet kiss.  
  
"We'd better be goin'…" Boromir started towards the door, propelling Aragorn forwards in front of him.  
  
"See you later then…" They hurried out, just as Dominic realised that Billy was still wearing red leather hotpants.  
  
Sean woke up to something wriggling on his knees. He frowned gently, then opened his eyes and looked down. Legolas, trying to get comfortable, was tossing and turning in his lap, eventually stopping in the same position he had fallen asleep in. Sean smiled, and ran his fingers through the long blonde hair. Legolas opened his eyes.  
  
"Sean?" He stretched, then lay still, gazing up at the Thing. "Is it morning?" Sean nodded, his hand still playing idly with the elf's hair. Legolas smiled, then decided to move and sat up next to the Thing, leaning against his shoulder slightly. "Thankyou." He mumbled, leaning closer to snuggle against Sean's neck.  
  
"You're welcome." Sean turned, just as Legolas raised his head, and their faces ended up dangerously close. Legolas smiled, then closed the gap and kissed Sean firmly on the lips.  
  
"Legolas…" Sean managed to gasp as the elf pulled away. "Im not su…" Legolas silenced him with another kiss, longer this time. "You know this is the Author, don't yo…" Again, he was cut off, and this time, he wasn't going to stop him.  
  
Frodo raised his head, and realised from the crick in his neck, that he had fallen asleep at the table in the lounge. He groaned and rubbed his aching neck, before trying to find his bearings. Merry and Pippin were playing chess… No, actually they were watching the chess pieces attempt to destroy each other. Sean and Legolas were… Oh… Frodo looked away, and searched for his friend. Sam was wandering back to Frodo, after his night with Laura in the corner, and sat next to the older hobbit, smiling at him.  
  
"And where were you last night?" Frodo raised an eyebrow questioningly (hehe, eyebrow raising again…).  
  
"Um… Well, Mr Frodo, I…" Sam stuttered, then fell into silence. Frodo just smiled at him.  
  
"It's okay Sam." Frodo rested his hand on Samwise's shoulder, reassuringly. "Lets go see what Merry and Pippin are up to, shall we?" Sam nodded, and the two hobbits wandered over to their companions.  
  
"Woohoo! Go blacks!" Pippin was cheering, and Merry shoved him.  
  
"They're the bad guys Pip…"  
  
"Don't care. Blacks are better." Frodo slipped into the empty seat at the table, and Sam hurried off to get one for himself.  
  
"What's happening?" Frodo asked, looking down as a white knight and bishop pummeled a black pawn.  
  
"It's the Last Alliance of Pawns and Kings." Merry explained, then cheered as the black pawn scuttled off the board, only to fall into the trap of three white pawns.  
  
"It seems rather vicious." Frodo said, frowning gently as the three white pawns hopped back onto the board and mobbed an unsuspecting black castle.  
  
"Oh it is." Pippin said. Sam reappeared, dragging a chair, and quickly got settled, before handing out some bags of leftover popcorn.  
  
"See that black king…" Merry pointed out, shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth. "He's doing it all wrong." Frodo and Sam gave him confused looks. "He sent out all his pawns at the beginning of the battle… and now hes only got knights, castles and bishops left."  
  
"What about the queen?" Sam asked, but his question was answered by the horrible sound of chess pieces being flung carelessly to the side and off the board. The queen was angry.  
  
"There ya go Sam." Pippin stared as the queen left a trail of destruction in her path. "The queen's always the most dangerous one…Yeah! Go blacks!" Frodo and Sam shared an exasperated look. 


	23. The Walls Of Moria

Well. What an odd chapter this turned out to be. I didn't intend it to be like this you know. I mean it. I didn't have a plan on what I was going to do, and look what my twisted mind came up with…  
  
Laura, Sam DID enjoy it really. He was only flirting with Orli (and given the chance, who wouldn't?) so stop whining and threatening to kill my loverly jubberly Elrondo with a big stick (hehe… sorry)…  
  
Right, to explain why they are using rocks and leaves as currency;  
  
This is from the Welcome to Caradhras chapter…  
  
"The elves at the counter accepted anything that might be money in any known or unknown culture. The fellowship in total spent several handfuls of rocks, leaves, Pippin's scarf, parts of Legolas' hair and Boromir's fascinating collection of birds feet."  
  
And I came up with this because I couldn't figure out what all the free (and not so free) races of Middle-Earth might collectively assume is money. I could have used gold, but since when did the fellowship carry gold around? And mithril's in pretty short supply at the moment.  
  
So there ya go…  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
About an hour later, the rest of the fellowship found their way to the lounge. After persuading Boromir that flares and platforms would seriously hinder his ability to walk through the wilds of Middle Earth, he had reluctantly agreed to put his old clothes back on, though all they did was remind him where Aragorn's hands had been before Billy had saved them. Billy was adamantly refusing to talk to Aragorn or Boromir, and kept close to Dominic, who in turn kept close to Elijah and Orlando. Sean and Legolas were being very secretive and would talk to each other in whispers. All the hobbits decided something must have happened whilst they were sleeping/playing chess/watching the Last Alliance of Pawns and Kings, and they were going to find out what.  
  
"Hey Orli." Sam smiled up at the Thing, who was having one of his rare few- steps-away-from-Elijah moments.  
  
"Hi Sam… So where were you last night?" Sam blushed, and tried to remember what Merry and Pippin had told him about being confident, and flirting.  
  
"Not where I wanted to be." He replied, stepping a little closer to Orlando and gazing up at him. Orlando flushed slightly, and Sam smiled to himself. Maybe there was hope for him yet… "So, anything interesting happen last night?" Orlando bit his lip, and blushed a little more.  
  
"Um, not really." Sam let his hand rest on Orlando's arm  
  
"Orli." His voice suddenly went quieter and a little lower. "You can tell me…"  
  
  
  
Aragorn had decided that enough was enough, and had called a little council in the lounge of the ski resort. Pulling his coat a little tighter around him, he stood waiting as the others settled themselves down to listen.  
  
"Everyone…" He called out, and they all looked at him. Several of them giggled. "We have fallen foul of this Authors power, and have let it distract us long enough…"  
  
"Let it?" Billy scowled at the ranger. "I didn't *let* you handcuff me to the…"  
  
"Anyway…" Aragorn interrupted him, seeing everyone except Billy, Dominic and Boromir suddenly look very interested. "We have to move on!" He stood a little straighter and all but Boromir saw the irony in this and giggled. Boromir looked confused. "We are all that stand between the Author and Middle Earth!" The room fell silent, but the fellowship all began talking at once.  
  
"Silence!" Aragorn's shout silenced them all, and they turned to look at him again. "From now on, no more! No more distractions, no more leaping off into the forests, no more secret trysts in lakes, no more nights spent in several beds with several people…" At this point he stared at Dominic, who blushed and tried to sink into his seat. "And, no… more… slash!" Silence reigned for a moment.  
  
"Um, do we count?" Aragorn glared at Elijah till he put his hand back down and looked to Orlando for moral support.  
  
"We set off in an hour. Be ready." He growled at them, then stomped off to the bar. The fellowship sat in stunned silence.  
  
"Well that's an eye-opener and no mistake." Sam murmured, and the others turned to look at him. "What? It was!"  
  
  
  
They set off two hours later, with Aragorn in an even fouler mood than usual. The others purposefully stayed away from him, particularly the hobbits, as they had caused the delay in the first place. Pippin was determined not to lose his beloved scarf (family heirloom) and had come up with a cunning plan to retrieve it from the elves at the gift shop. Merry, Sam and Frodo hadn't been so eager, however, as it had involved them dressing up as can-can girls to distract the elves long enough for Pippin to sneak in the back. Well, Merry and Sam were upset, Frodo took quite quickly to the dance routine, and was rather reluctant to leave his entranced audience.  
  
  
  
With that messy business behind them, Aragorn was looking forward to a good, hard (trench thoughts trench thoughts) trek across Middle Earth (phew…). Past Caradhras (the elves had dug out some large winter boots for him to wear, an attractive shade of turquoise with fake fur lining) and then on to…  
  
"Oh for Valar's sake."  
  
Before them, stood the great Walls of Moria.  
  
  
  
"How did we get here?" Merry looked over to Pippin, who shrugged.  
  
"I dunno. Where's Caradhras gone?" Merry shrugged back. Aragorn and Legolas were stood looking up at where the huge doors should be. The others lazed around the edge of the lake that had mysteriously appeared in the place of Caradhras Ski Resort, and that Aragorn was warily avoiding.  
  
Mellon." Aragorn commanded the doors in his best kingly voice. Nothing happened. "I said, Mellon!"  
  
"Grapefruit!" Boromir piped up. Legolas and Aragorn ignored him.  
  
"I though you couldn't open the doors till nightfall, you know, 'ithildine, mirrors only starlight and moonlight'?"  
  
"Yes, alright Legolas." The ranger sighed and sat down on a nearby rock.  
  
  
  
Billy and Dominic were throwing stones in the lake. Boromir grabbed Billy's arm, as he was about to throw.  
  
"Do not disturb the water." He muttered darkly, but Billy kicked him.  
  
"Hands off buddy."  
  
"Stop stealing my lines, you… you pervy hobbit fancier!" Aragorn objected loudly, as Boromir rubbed his painful kneecap.  
  
"Why? I *always* wanted that line, s'not fair you should get it, Jus' cos you're King o' Gondor…" Boromir trailed off into muttering to himself, and slumped at the bottom of the tree. Which yelped. Boromir jumped away from it, turning to see an eye peering at him. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Boromir raced behind Orlando and Elijah, who quickly pulled their hands away from each other before Aragorn could see. They all turned to look at the Man cowering behind the two Things, who were blushing slightly and avoided each other's gaze.  
  
"Boromir?" Legolas stepped forward, a concerned look on his face (awwwww).  
  
"The… the tree…. It looked at me!" Boromir glared accusingly at the tree in question.  
  
"I did not."  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaah!" The fellowship exclaimed in shock and quickly backed away from the tree.  
  
"He… hello?" Legolas, having a thing for trees, stepped forward.  
  
"Ah, an elf. Hello." The tree replied, quite cheerfully.  
  
"Are… are you an Ent?" The tree looked quite taken aback.  
  
"An Ent? Me, an Ent?" The fellowship looked at each other. "Of course Im not an Ent. Just your average tree, really." Boromir moved out from behind Orlando and Elijah. "Imagine! Me, an Ent!" The tree seemed rather amused by the idea.  
  
"Then, if you aren't an Ent, what are you?" Aragorn asked, suddenly deciding that being upstaged by a tree was not a particularly good thing to happen to a King.  
  
"Well, I'm just a tree, mate."  
  
"Then, how can you talk?"  
  
"I don't know. I just started talking… couple days ago, and suddenly, I had a mouth. And eyes. Been watching everyone go in and out, and in and out…" Billy began to have rather nice thoughts about Dominic. "A short fellow, a dwarf I think, told me what to say whenever someone came by… now, what was it…" The tree appeared to be thinking.  
  
"Er, 'everyone'?" Legolas asked, becoming a little bolder and stepping up beside the tree.  
  
"What was it… Oh. Yes, everyone. Hundreds of them. Everyday."  
  
"Hundreds of what?"  
  
"Elves. Dwarves. Men. Had a couple of orcs the other day. Got chucked out for vandalism. Graffiti all over the cave troll. The poor dear. He still hasn't got over it." The fellowship gave each other worried looks.  
  
"Um, would you mind…er, why are they coming here?" Boromir was more than a little confused.  
  
"Why, this is Moria! Of course they're coming here!" Sean had decided enough was enough.  
  
"But why are they coming to Moria? What's so good about a big mine full of dead dwarves?! And orcs!" The tree frowned at him.  
  
"Here, that's not right. Talking about Moria like that. Honestly. What are these men coming to?" The tree rolled its eyes. "And fancy. Them not knowing about Moria." Sean turned to the others for help.  
  
"Would you mind telling us? We don't get out much, and Im sure you know a lot more than we do." Elijah had gone in for flattery, and was gazing at the tree with those big blue oh-so-expressive eyes. The tree blushed.  
  
"Well, I suppose I do know a little more than… oh…" Orlando glared at the tree, as it got a little flustered. Elijah smiled at him.  
  
"Jealous of a tree, love?" Orlando just scowled at him.  
  
"Oh, now I remember!" The tree exclaimed, and they all looked at it. The tree drew itself up, and said in a loud voice. "Welcome to the Walls of Moria! In a Few Moments Time, Prepare to Witness the Terrifying Rides and Fantastic Family Fun of… Moria Land!" Aragorn wondered how the tree had learnt to talk with capitals, as it could be useful for a kin such as himself.  
  
"Morialand?" Dominic stared in open mouthed shock (imagine it Laura… are you imagining it? Laura? Laura?! Oh she's fainted again)  
  
"No! Moria Land!" The tree corrected him, and then held out a branch. "12 adults? That'll be…" The tree did some quick mental calculation, (cos everyone knows trees are wizards at maths). "17 rocks, 24 leaves, 2 locks of elf hair…" Legolas whimpered and backed away slightly. "And an apple." Merry looked down at the apple he was suddenly holding. Aragorn searched the pockets of his coat, and realised they were just a little short.  
  
"12 adults? No, no, its 8 adults and 4 children." He smiled at the tree in an attempt at being innocent.  
  
"Children?" The tree peered at the hobbits. "Well, in that case, you could have two family tickets and 4 adults?"  
  
"Um, family?" Aragorn inspected his 'money' again.  
  
"Two adults, two kids. Or of course you could go for group discount."  
  
"How much will that come to?"  
  
"30 rocks and 20 leaves. Oh, and an apple." Aragorn thought about this, until Legolas nudged him and whispered "Group."  
  
"Er, right. Group discount then please." He put the pile of rocks and leaves into the trees out-stretched branch, then snagged Merry's apple and placed it with the rest. The tree smiled at them, and the pile of rocks, leaves and an apple disappeared somewhere. It placed a small booklet in Aragorn's hands.  
  
"Enjoy you Time at Moria Land!" It said cheerfully, and as if by magic, the great stone doors opened before them. Waving at the tree, the fellowship headed inside.  
  
"Well, that was an eye-ope…" Sam was cut off as several members of the fellowship hit him. 


	24. Moria Land

This one took a while to finish… mainly because of stupid writers block, and total lack of inspiration. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter… its one of my favourites (and I admit it, I was hoping for more reviews of it… oh well, c'est la vie, as they say in Italy…er, never mind).  
  
Well, here's some more insanity for you to sink your teeth into (btw, don't try. Computers taste nasty).  
  
I DO own StarBrandybucks. And McGamgees. And Burger Thain. And Rohan Fried Chicken. And the White City Coffee Shop. And the Cave Troll… er, you get the idea. The police-elf also belongs to me…  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"I don't see what all the fuss 's'bout." Boromir complained as the fellowship trudged up some stairs, lit only by several dim torches on the walls. They were annoying Aragorn intensely, as they weren't even real fire. He *liked* fire. Not these strangely flickering 'lightbulbs', as the Things called them, in flame-shaped glass cases. He just tried to ignore them and kept walking. He wanted to get out of here a.s.a.p. "Ah mean, it's jus' a big dark hallway really. Well, an' some stairs." Boromir chatted on to Legolas, who was looking even paler than usual. Sean noticed, and gently touched the elf's arm.  
  
"What's wrong?" he whispered and the elf moved closer to him.  
  
"I don't like the dark. Its not natural for elves." He muttered under his breath and Sean stroked his arm soothingly.  
  
"S'a lot different from last time, int it?" Boromir looked around for dwarf skeletons, finding none. "Don't see what's so good 'bou… Holy Hand of Gondor Rangerman!"  
  
  
  
The fellowship stared in shock at the biggest (and first) theme park they had ever seen. Boromir's little outburst was forgotten, as it took a good 10 minutes for Legolas to absorb everything. Of course, it took the hobbits and Aragorn a little while longer. Boromir was still staring round in amazement as they dragged him forward into the crowd. The Things were very excited; naming every ride/attraction they saw the notices for; on the left the Caverns of Doom, on the right the Balrogator rollercoaster. Then they saw it; The Cave Troll. The biggest underground rollercoaster in Middle Earth. (Of course, the real cave troll, having obviously wormed its way into the Authors good books, was back and wandering round, letting men, elves and dwarves take photos of themselves with him.) Legolas had pointed out that, along with the Balrogator (which was barely 30ft high, and therefore didn't count), that it was the 'only' rollercoaster in Middle Earth, but he was barely heard in the noise of the crowd. Those who did hear him ignored him anyway.  
  
  
  
The fellowship pushed their way through the crowd and towards the start of the cue. Well, to be more exact, the Things led the fellowship through the crowd, with Legolas Boromir and the hobbits following with a look of curiosity mixed with fear on their faces. They were all followed by Aragorn, who was complaining loudly that they really should get going 'cos they were *supposed* to be on a rather important quest, and stopping here was playing right into the Authors hands. Oh, and he wanted some candyfloss.  
  
  
  
When they reached the queue for the Cave Troll, the Things hurried to join the already huge line before any more dwarves appeared.  
  
"This is gonna take forever." Aragorn was getting angry. Legolas looked over at him and sighed.  
  
"Look, let them have one turn, and then…" He was interrupted by a loud scream, actually several loud screams, and they whirled round to see a carriage holding a several dwarves, elves and one or two men from Gondor plummeting down a chasm on thin metal rails. Legolas reckoned the chasm was about 300ft (though Boromir had concluded that Elvish eyesight was the first to go.)  
  
"I *have* to go on that!" Merry grinned, grabbing Pippin's arm and pulling him towards the Things already in the queue. Frodo looked at Sam. Sam looked back.  
  
"Wait for us!" They both yelled and raced after the other two hobbits. Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir watched them go in horror.  
  
"Fools." Aragorn shook his head.  
  
"Scared, strider?" Boromir grinned at him, and Aragorn scowled.  
  
"Of course I'm not scared. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor, Chief of the Rangers of the North…"  
  
"Yes, alright Aragorn." Legolas snapped. Aragorn just kept scowling at Boromir.  
  
"Dare ya to go in t'Caverns o' Doom." Aragorn stared at him and Legolas groaned at the immaturity.  
  
"Fine." Boromir smiled. "Care to join me?" Boromir's smile faltered a little. "Or are you too scared?"  
  
  
  
Legolas sat at a small table in a crowded area, around which were several fast food establishments he'd never heard of. He had avoided Rohan Fried Chicken, as it seemed a rather cruel thing to do to a poor little bird. McGamgees (it seemed that Sam's father had branched out a little) and Burger Thain (Hobbiton now had two successful fast food chains) had the special offers '5 adult meals – kids meal free' and '4 burger meal – extra burger half price'. In the end, he had decided on a strange smelling strong drink from a shop called StarBrandybucks. The owner of said shop, probably a relation of Merry's, and perhaps all the other hobbits come to think of it, was having an argument with the owner of the coffee shop across from it, the White City Coffee Shop. Legolas thought that it was because the owner of the White City Coffee Shop was jealous of StarBrandybucks better name.  
  
At least it was more interesting than seeing the hobbits and the Things throw up on a huge rollercoaster, or watching Aragorn and Boromir try to out-macho each other. Well, actually…  
  
  
  
Finally, after what seemed like hours, the Things and the hobbits had made their way to the front of the queue. Sean, Billy, Dominic and Elijah had been herded onto a carriage by some elves at the front. Elijah left reluctantly, shooting Orlando a desperate I-want-to-be-with-you look. Orlando sent him back an I-know-you-do-I-want-to-be-with-you-too look. Sam and Orlando got split up from the rest of the hobbits by some bizarre series of coincidences (which included Merry and Pippin distracting Frodo by whispering 'Baggins' in his ear in husky voices, and giggling as Frodo leapt around to look). So it was that Orlando and Sam sat side by side in a carriage with two other dwarves who insisted on making out rather noisily. Sam had always wondered what female dwarves looked like, and had heard that they looked quite like the male dwarves, but he seriously doubted that the other dwarf was female at all. To try and drown out the noises of frisky dwarves, the Thing and the hobbit made polite, albeit loud, conversation over the top.  
  
"Its nice here isn't it?"  
  
"Yes. I like what they're done with the pillars. Very gothic." This fascinating conversation was cut short however, as the carriage jerked forward and was steadily dragged upwards.  
  
"Orli." Sam shuffled closer to the Thing, as much to get away from the dwarves as anything. Orlando was grinning madly, and was clutching the bar that was in front of them hard.  
  
"I love rollercoasters. Do you like rollercoasters? Oh, you haven't been on one before have you? Oh they're so good! I love them!" Orlando chatted on to the hobbit, who had realised suddenly how far up they were getting, and clutched onto Orlando's arm.  
  
"Orli!" He snapped, and Orlando looked at him.  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"I have to tell you something." Sam noticed they were getting close to the top, and knew he didn't have a lot of time. "I… I really like you."  
  
"I like you too Sam." Orlando replied, glancing down over the side of the carriage, then back at the hobbit. "Nearly there!"  
  
"No! I mean… I like you as in… *like* you like you, not just like you." Orlando stared at him in shock.  
  
"You whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…" The carriage plunged down into darkness, and the sentence was lost amid the frantic screams. Then, there was silence. At least, for a moment. "…t?!"  
  
  
  
"Would Legolas Greenleaf please come to the information center located at Balin's Tomb." Legolas looked up from his coffee, and felt the attention of every elf, dwarf, hobbit and human in the place focused on him. "Would Legolas Greenleaf please come to the information center." Blushing slightly, he stood and hurried out of the food court, and towards Balin's tomb, avoiding all the curious gazes that followed him. He wondered what could have happened, but was interrupted by another announcement. "Would Legolas Greenleaf *please* come to the information center. It *is* rather important."  
  
  
  
As he reached the information center, he was ushered inside. Aragorn and Boromir were sat side-by-side on a bench, in handcuffs, pouting sulkily. An elf and a dwarf, both in policeman's uniform (which Legolas was baffled by) stood at either side of them. As Legolas stared in horror and acute embarrassment, a door opened at the other end of the room, and the hobbits and the Things were hurried inside.  
  
"What on Middle-Earth is going on?"  
  
"Mr Greenleaf, I presume." The elf in the uniform stepped forward.  
  
"Yes, Im Legolas." The elf moved a little closer. "Do you know these… gentlemen?"  
  
"Im sorry to say that I do." He frowned at them all. "What have you done now?"  
  
"These… gentlemen were arrested in the Caverns of Doom for…" The elf looked at a notepad, which he had pulled from his pocket. "Indecent exposure, and assault."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Hey, that's a bit harsh!" Aragorn piped up.  
  
"Yeah, we dint assault anyone!" Boromir added, shooting Aragorn a dirty look.  
  
"Two young hobbit-girls were assaulted whilst on the Caverns of Doom tour, by…" The elf looked at his notes again. "A large greasy man in a flasher coat and winter boots that exposed himself to them, and another large, but not quite so greasy, man who rather violently attacked them."  
  
"Ah dint!" Boromir stood up. "Honest! I tripped over Aragorn an' fell on em!" He was joined by Aragorn.  
  
"I never 'exposed' myself!" He folded his arms, but failed miserably due to the handcuffs. "My coat fell open! It's not my fault that I was forced to wear these clothes!" Legolas was rubbing his temples and groaning to himself.  
  
"The hobbit-girls…" The elf continued. "Were forced to use self-defense against the attackers."  
  
"Self defense?" Aragorn exclaimed. "They attacked us! Those hobbits are vicious little creatures."  
  
  
  
Legolas sat down on a seat that had been helpfully placed behind him.  
  
"And what about them?" He gestured to the hobbits and the Things, who were looked a little sheepish.  
  
"Ah, yes." The elf flipped a few pages in his notebook. "The hobbits, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took and Frodo Baggins were arrested shortly after these gentlemen, for indecent assault and breach of the peace."  
  
"We didn't!" They all chorused at the same time. The elf frowned at them.  
  
"Several hobbits, and an elf, accused these hobbits of…" he coughed gently, "indecently touching them, and acting rather 'drunkenly'."  
  
"We never! We were just…" Pippin started.  
  
"We'd just got off the Cave Troll, and we were a bit dizzy. It's not our fault where our hands went, they shouldn't have been standing there." Merry finished off. Orlando, Elijah, Billy, Dominic, Sean and Sam looked at each other, and tried not to laugh out loud. The elf turned back to Legolas, who had his head in his hands and was taking deep breaths.  
  
"Of course, these are serious charges." Legolas looked up at him, then stood up.  
  
"Could I have a word?" The elf looked at him a little suspiciously, then let Legolas lead him to a corner. The others watched in interest as they talked quietly. Legolas rested his hand on the other elf's arm. It all seemed rather informal. Then they both walked back.  
  
"Well…" The elf smiled at Legolas. "I'm sure we can… let this drop. But I'll have to ban you from Moria Land of course."  
  
"Of course." Legolas waited impatiently as Boromir and Aragorn's handcuffs were taken off, and they were herded to the back door. The police-elf waved them off.  
  
  
  
As they trudged down the dark hallway towards the way out (handily marked with a large white and green sign saying 'exit'), Sean walked over to Legolas.  
  
"What did you say to him?" Legolas sighed.  
  
"Not much. Oh, remind me, if we save the world, I've got a dinner date waiting for me." Sean gave him a surprised look then burst into laughter and hurried to tell the others about it. Aragorn sidled up to the elf.  
  
"Legolas I…"  
  
"Don't Aragorn. Just… Don't" The elf hurried ahead, leaving the man staring after him. 


	25. The Chapter That Laura Does Not Condone

Laura is upset that I wrote this. Im not entirely sure why. I mean, what's so wrong with Aragorn and Boromir doing Dom? I mean, its not *that* bad! All that thrusting and licking and… Laura? Laura, put the knife down…Im sorry to anyone that has traumatic experiences from reading this chapter. Laura did. And she still hasn't forgiven me…. And she would like to remind you that she don't like Elrondododododo… I do, but she says he frightens her almost as much as Orville… which I think, is a tad unfair… The only thing Laura likes about that image is the tight, white, testicle restricting leather pants… Manic Street Preachers stylee…  
  
Laura's story, Of Lazy Days And Spaghetti Balrogs, has been deleted most unfairlylylylyly. Nasty ff.net people. But fear not! The Author is breeding Rps with LotR-slash. She is creating a Website in the Caverns of Rowan's Garage; one that will be on-line and free to anyone who wishes to read it.  
  
Laura would like to point out that she has no input on this website, other than to fling ideas in my general direction, and quote many, many Manic Street Preachers songs at me. It'll be up soon!  
  
Ooh, just thought I'd mention that I'm going to be getting Bedrooms and Hallways on video in a couple of weeks… YAY! If any of you don't know what this is, it's a film in which Hugo Weaving (my beloved Elrond) will be half- naked with a guy on a bed… all kissing and fondling… and against a wall… and on the floor in the afore-mentioned hallway…. Ooooh, I cannae wait!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The fellowship hurried out of Moria, and past a gang of orcs that were hanging round the exit, smoking pipes and comparing body piercings. Legolas had decided that, as penance for stressing him so much he got a headache (elves never get stress headaches – except Elrond. Well, he did have a crazy stalker who called him Elly and an Author intent on seeing him in as many degrading outfits as possible), he let Aragorn take lead. Legolas retreated to the back of the group and tried to think comforting thoughts of the good old days when Kings wore proper clothes and showed elves the proper respect…  
  
  
  
Aragorn ran ahead a little way, through a shallow pool and on to look over the rocks to see the woods of Lothlorien.  
  
"Behold the Golden Wood." He smiled, turning to the others.  
  
"Behold! The Bath of Aragorn!" Boromir added sarcastically, noting Aragorn's damp boots. "That'll last another month or so, won't it?" Aragorn scowled at him.  
  
"Come on. We need to get to the woods before nightfall."  
  
"Why?" Boromir got no reply, and followed the ranger with a deep sigh.  
  
Merry looked over at Pippin, who was biting his lip worriedly.  
  
"Pip?"  
  
"Why do I feel like crying?" He whispered, leaning a little closer to Merry, who slipped his arm round the younger hobbits shoulders.  
  
"It's okay Pip." He murmured. Pippin sniffed and clung on to Merry's hand tightly as they followed Aragorn and Boromir.  
  
Orlando watched Elijah chat to Frodo with a concerned look on his (oh so handsome) face (awww, nice mental image there… got it? Good). He glanced over his shoulder to see Sam watching him, then quickly turn away when he realised the Thing had seen him. He sighed gently, and decided to have a word with him later.  
  
  
  
The group ran/skipped through the field and into the woods of Lothlorien. All was quiet as they admired the unchanging beauty of the Golden Wood.  
  
"Cool." Elijah said appreciatively. The others nodded in agreement, though most of them didn't know why, as it was quite a warm day.  
  
"I think we should stay a little while…" Billy muttered, a little weakly. He looked pale, and was clutching his stomach.  
  
"Billy!" Sean hurried over and helped Billy sit as comfortable as possible on the floor in yet another clearing, on a carpet of golden leaves. "Oh Billy. You shouldn't have gone on that ride." Billy groaned in agreement, and wrapped his arms round Sean's waist, leaning his head against the taller man's chest.  
  
"We shall stay here a little while then." Aragorn sighed, and looked around at the group. Which was when he realised the group was actually smaller. "Where's Dom?"  
  
  
  
"Sam... Can I have a word?" The hobbit looked round to see Orlando walking towards him. Looking round nervously, then back at Orlando, Sam nodded. Orlando rested his hand lightly on the young hobbits shoulder as he led him away from the rest of the group and to a small (but still very beautiful) clearing.  
  
"Orli..."  
  
"Sam, let me." Orlando ran his hand through his hair a little nervously, then sat down, and patted the grass next to him. Sam sat down. "Sam, I... I'm sorry Sam, but I... I like you as a friend nothing more."  
  
"But... But we kissed... you kissed me..." Sam gripped Orlando's arm.  
  
"Sam, it was the Author. I like you Sam. I'm very fond of you. But, I love Elijah. I've always loved Elijah. It was the Author making me feel what I did. You understand, don't you?"  
  
"You... you never felt anything? Nothing at all?" Orlando winced at the raw pain that was in the young hobbits voice.  
  
"Yes I felt something. But I know it was the Author making me feel it... I'm sorry Sam."  
  
"Its okay. I understand." Sam stood up and roughly rubbed his eyes. "Does... Does Elijah know?"  
  
"Yes... that's why he kissed Sean actually..."  
  
"Oh what a tangled web we weave..." Sam murmured. Then frowned. "What do you suppose that means? Why am i stealing Merry's lines? Why am I reciting poetry? Why does no-one like me? What's wrong with me?" And with that, Sam sat down and started to cry.  
  
"Oh Samwise." Orlando moved to sit next to him, and pulled the hobbit close, kissing his forehead and slowly rubbing his back.  
  
  
  
"Dominic?" Aragorn called, moving through the woods, followed slowly by Boromir, who was kicking dead, but still beautifully golden, leaves out of his path.  
  
"Don't see why we 'ave to go find 'im." he muttered to himself, picking up a fallen branch and absentmindedly whacking a tree with it. He yelped as the tree whacked him back.  
  
"Well, Legolas thinks its all our fault. I think we really upset him."  
  
"We dint do nowt!" Boromir protested, dropping the branch onto a poor unsuspecting woodland creature. "S'not our fault those stupid hobbits got int' way."  
  
"Come on, the sooner we find him, the sooner we can get out of here." He said, and Boromir followed him, protesting loudly.  
  
  
  
Dominic woke up in a stunningly beautiful clearing. He groaned and rubbed his head, then sat up. He realised that his shirt was open and hanging off his shoulder. His boots had disappeared, and his trousers seemed to have shrunk into rather tight effeminate leggings that happened to be white and made of leather (manics stylee).  
  
"Huh." He said, as he assessed his situation. He tried to stand up, but ended up falling back into the position he was in when he woke. That is, flat on his back. He tried again, propping himself up on his elbows. Which was when he was joined by Aragorn and Boromir.  
  
  
  
Aragorn gritted his teeth and tried to ignore the bits of twig that were being flung at the back of his neck and in his hair. His hand gripped the hilt of Anduril tightly, and he had started wondering whether Boromir would like to go back to the land of the unliving, when he stumbled across a clearing. Boromir walked into him, then stepped round him to see what he was staring at.  
  
"Well, slap my thigh and call me a Uruk-Hai..." He breathed, but Aragorn ignored him, staring in open-mouthed shock at the Thing lying in the clearing before them.  
  
"Guys, help me up..." Dominic said, though his voice came out a little deeper and huskier than he intended.  
  
"You want us to help you up?" Boromir seemed to be having difficulty grasping that concept, and Aragorn had the sudden and disturbing thought that maybe he should be grasping something else instead. He shook his head to get rid of the images but to no avail. He opened his eyes to see Dominic still lying there, looking very enticing in the golden light that was filtering through between the trees. "Aragorn... Aragorn, you said no slash, remember?" Boromir muttered to Aragorn.  
  
"Yeah..." Aragorn murmured moving forward as if in a daze.  
  
"Aragorn... Aragorn, maybe you shouldn't..." Boromir spoke no more however, as the shock of seeing Aragorn kneel down and passionately kiss the Thing lying below him gave the Author enough time to draw him into the heated embrace in the middle of the clearing.  
  
"Boromir!" Dominic seemed to have suddenly realised what was going on and exactly who it was that was sucking on his neck. Just as Aragorn decided that Dom's chest looked a little mucky and needed a tongue bath... (nice images there, Laura... Laura? Oh, she's run away screaming... why is that?)  
  
  
  
The fellowship, minus Boromir, Aragorn, Dominic (who were rather tied up at this precise moment in time), Sam and Orli, were lazing round a clearing, which was undeniably beautiful but, hey there are only so many clearings you can see before they all merge into one. Legolas suspected that they were, in fact, all one clearing that the Author was forcing them to go through, albeit with a face-lift or two. Maybe this was some kind of Elven hell. Just as he was explaining this theory to Sean, he heard something. Something rather odd. Something about… chameleons. Legolas frowned slightly and was just about to ask Sean what a chameleon was, when an elf leapt into the clearing…. 


	26. The Disco Of Lothlorien

I hope this makes up for that pitiful last chapter that I really really don't like... to be honest I just wrote it to annoy Laura with the squickiness of Aragorn/Boromir/Dominic... Hehe, it worked too...  
  
Well, what can I say bout this chapter... I wrote it in about two hours; because I got sudden inspiration, and I really really want to see Elrond in leather... maybe that's just me...  
  
To Elendor, sorry but you do know I had to make Haldir camp, don't you? I mean, look at him in the film! I just had to! Please don't hurt me… don't worry, the Haldir/Legolas thing will be explained in the next chapter!  
  
Im making new words up again… this time it's 'beautifuller'…  
  
Oh, and Sunrise? yes, I am exaggerating a bit… apparently that's because im an eccentric person... or so my mother tells me... I'm not *that* eccentric, am I Laura?... Laura?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Haldir?" Legolas shrieked, standing up as Haldir ran over, a big grin on his face, and hugged him before holding him at arms length, leaning in to place a kiss on each cheek, which Legolas returned. Then he turned to the others and held his arms out.  
  
"Welcome to Lothlorien, my friends!" He beamed, and did a little twirl. He was wearing long flowing robes of different colours, a funny hat that was tilted to cover one of his eyes and several dozen bead necklaces about his neck. Oh, and lots of make-up. Legolas thought that maybe there was a tad too much blusher, but he kept that to himself. "But it seems that we have some newcomers to the Golden Wood." The Things were wondering just how camp an elf could be, and also how Boy George came to be known in Middle Earth.  
  
"Um, yeah." Elijah stood up, as Sean was a little busy with Billy threatening to be sick all over him. Merry, Pippin and Frodo were all tucking into some candy floss that Pippin had nicked from Morialand. Dominic, Aragorn, Boromir, Sam and Orlando were all off somewhere doing something (or someone). "We're from..." Haldir held his hand up.  
  
"The Lady is expecting you." He said, as several more elves (of indeterminate gender) appeared behind him, dressed similarly (and some even sillier)  
  
  
  
The Fellowship followed Haldir a little warily to the centre of Lothlorien, Legolas walked next to Haldir, their arms linked as they chatted non-stop in Elvish. As the scenery got even beautifuller, they started to notice some odd things in the tall mallorn trees. Round lights of different bright colours, some in sets of three or four, but most of them were separate, dotted round the wood. Only the Things recognized them.  
  
"Why are there disco lights in Lothlorien?" Sean asked, adjusting the nauseas Scotsman hanging off his arm. Haldir just smiled brightly at them, and led them further into the forest.  
  
"Um Haldir..." Frodo struggled to catch up with the strangely dressed elf, finally managing to reach him, and tapping his hip.  
  
"Yes, young hobbit?"  
  
"Er... What about the others? Sam, and Orli and Aragorn and Bo..."  
  
"Worry not, little one." Haldir patted Frodo's head affectionately. "We have search parties looking for them already."  
  
"S... Search parties?" Frodo looked worried, which made Haldir fuss over him even more. Frodo could put up with the 'aw, you're just so adorable' and 'such lovely hair' comments, accompanied with hair stroking and cheek pinching (fortunately the ones on his face). However, as the elves accompanying them decided to get in on it too, he had had enough and he hurried back to join Merry and Pippin  
  
  
  
It took them a surprisingly short time to reach the Great Mallorn where the original fellowship first met the Lord and Lady of Lothlorien. It was looking a little... different. The large flet (or talan in Elvish *grins proudly* I researched!) had been cleared, except for some large disco lights at the top, and some large box-like objects at the back. As it was, the lights were turned off, and the wood was silent, but for Haldir's murmured 'karma chameleon' under his breath whenever he wasn't nattering. Legolas was still confused as to what a chameleon actually was.  
  
  
  
It was some time later that the other members of the fellowship rejoined them. Aragorn, Boromir and Dominic were all blushing intensely, and sat as far away from each other as possible, and resolutely kept their mouths shut at the others questions. Sam and Orlando gave each other a friendly (and manly) hug before going to sit next to their respective partners. Legolas had disappeared with Haldir somewhere, mentioning something vague about the 'fabulous new fabric just in from Mirkwood' and wouldn't it look 'so amazing with Legolas' leggings'.  
  
"So Dominic..." Merry sat down next to Dominic, who was hugging his (white leather-clad) knees. "Care to tell us where you were all this time?"  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Oh come on Dom. I mean, you were alone in the forest with two very manly testosterone driven men... what could possibly have happened?" Dominic blushed even harder and attempted to merge into the floor. It was failing miserably however. Pippin, seeing how Merry's attempt to get information from Dominic wasn't working, decided to talk to Boromir.  
  
"Hey Borry."  
  
"Hey Pippin."  
  
"So Borry..."  
  
"Yes Pippin?"  
  
"Out in the forest earlier..."  
  
"Yes Pippin..."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Well Pippin..."  
  
"Please stop saying my name."  
  
"Why? S'a nice name. Pippin Pippin Pippin Pippin Pippin Pippin..." Pippin gave up on Boromir.  
  
  
  
Frodo, curious as ever (most unnatural for a hobbit), sat next to Aragorn and smiled gently at him. Aragorn gave him an odd look (aw, for me?).  
  
"Strider..." Aragorn gulped. Frodo was using the puppy dog eyes, the 'i'm- so-adorable-you-just-have-to-tell-me-your-deepest-darkest-secrets' voice and his nickname all at once. The ranger wasn't sure he could handle this, (and this coming from a man raised by Elrond and his terrifyingly smug 'I- can-make-you-disappear-off-the-face-of-Middle-Earth-if-you-ever-look-at- Arwen-that-way-again' look.)  
  
"Yes Frodo?"  
  
"What happened, Strider? Why did you leave us?" Aragorn bit his lip as Frodo's puppy dog eyes changed to 'you-really-hurt-me-so-tell-me-everything- NOW-and-that-includes-details' eyes.  
  
"I... It was... Er, I mean... The Author...." He stumbled, as Frodo started to pout.  
  
"The Author? You're not hurt are you?" Frodo looked concerned. That was all it took to break Aragorn's defenses.  
  
"The Author forced us to... you know." He muttered, looking down and blushing redder than the disco lights above them in the trees.  
  
"Forced?" Frodo's voice was just as quiet, and he rested his hand on Aragorn's arm. "Come on now Strider..."  
  
"It was! Really!" Aragorn protested, fiddling with a twig he'd found on the floor. "I didn't want to... I mean, I did but it was the Author... It was!" He said again.  
  
"Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?" Frodo's voice had changed yet again (wow, the Changing Voice of Frodo) into the paternal 'I-know-you- better-than-you-do' voice. Aragorn glared at him.  
  
"I didn't." He said, resolutely, and looked round. "Then the elves found us and told us to come here. We were lucky we'd already finished... some of them wanted to join in."  
  
  
  
Legolas reappeared a little later with Haldir, wearing his new tunic (that looked suspiciously like a minidress), arm linked with Haldir's.  
  
"Come on." He beckoned them along, grinning madly as the place suddenly came alive with music. Very loud, very odd music, and there was a sudden shout that rang out through the wood.  
  
"Y M C A!"  
  
Legolas and Haldir looked at each other and giggled, before hurrying towards the source of the music. Aragorn glanced over at Boromir, who was watching him, a strange glint in his eyes (get it out! get it out!). Then they both grinned and raced after the elves. The Things looked at each other and groaned, and then followed the others. The hobbits looked at each other for a second, reached an unspoken agreement and hurried off into the forest.  
  
When the Things arrived at the source of the music, the Great Mallorn, they spotted a large group of elves, crowded together at the base of the tree and looking up at the stage. Most of them were doing erratic arm movements to resemble certain letters. Of course, being elves, most of these were Elvish letters, which was why the dance made no sense to anyone Elvish- illiterate. Aragorn and Boromir were soon located as the music blared out from the huge speakers at the back of the flet, and the disco lights started flashing around the crowd. The elves cheered as four figures ran out on stage. Aragorn led them, looking rather fetching in his builder's outfit. He was followed by Boromir, perfectly suited as the Indian, complete with huge feathery headdress. Celeborn was next, waving a pair of handcuffs seductively as part of his policeman's uniform, next came...  
  
"Elrond?!" Sean exclaimed, as the Elf-Lord strutted on-stage, looking suitably badass in his leather biker's gear. The female elves, and a few males too, cheered, and Elrond gave a gratuitous pelvic thrust (imagining it Laura? oooh I am...). The Things mouths fell open. Billy groaned.  
  
"Guys... Im gonna go and... Lay down..." He muttered before staggering off, waving off Dominic's offer of going with him to make sure he was alright. Onstage, the group had started dancing.  
  
"Young elf! Are you listening to me? I said..." Celeborn took the lead, whilst the others did a suitably cheesy dance behind him.  
  
"This is just embarrassing." Dom shook his head, glancing at Orlando and Elijah, who seemed to be enjoying it immensely and were attempting to slip off into the crowd, probably to go and 'get down their bad selves'. Maybe in more ways than one. Dom glanced around, and noticed Sean grinning at him. No, he was grinning at something behind him. Dominic looked round curiously, and grinning. Legolas and Haldir were dancing together, facing each other and holding hands as they did so.  
  
"You think maybe they're..." Sean raised his eyebrows questioningly. Dom laughed.  
  
"Probably. Care to dance?" Sean just laughed and took Dominic's offered hand (ere, give that back...) and let the younger man lead him into the crowd.  
  
  
  
Aragorn was really enjoying himself. His outfit had gone down a treat, and he was fairly certain he'd got more cheers than Elrond. He waited backstage for Boromir as they left the stage for the next act, grinning when he saw the younger man.  
  
"Aragorn!" Boromir slapped him on the back, (in a friendly manly way of course). "They love us!" Aragorn laughed, and let Boromir lead him away.  
  
"Of course. Who wouldn't in these outfits?" They continued a little way until they both realised they had gotten lost in the dense woods behind the stage.  
  
"Um..." Boromir looked round, then back at Aragorn, who groaned.  
  
"Come on, we'll find the way back... just follow the music!" He grabbed Boromir's' hand and led him back towards where he thought the music was coming from. However, that was easier said than done, and they had wandered round for quite some time already.  
  
"Face it, Aragorn. We're lost. And wi' this damned Author against us, we ain't gonna get back any time soon." Boromir sighed and leant against a tree. Aragorn looked around once more, and had to agree, wandering over to Boromir and leaning against the tree next to him. He turned his head to look at the other man.  
  
"We rocked, though." He said, and Boromir laughed and turned his head too.  
  
"Yeah we did."  
  
"You were very good out there..." Aragorn said, then suddenly stopped as images from earlier in forest popped back into his head. "Er..." Boromir seemed to get the idea, and grinned devilishly.  
  
"Oh really? Weren't too bad yourself, old man..." Aragorn growled and suddenly moved so he was standing in front of Boromir, pushing the other man against the tree.  
  
"Old man? I'll show you old..." He muttered and kissed him.  
  
  
  
Legolas looked up from where he was dancing with Haldir at the sudden burst of music on stage. Galadriel had arrived. The two elves looked at each other, then grinned and joined in with the cheering as the Lady of Lothlorien appeared on stage. She was wearing a flowing white robe that was more draped across her than worn. Her skin was pale, nearly white, and her hair was frizzed up to stand about a foot from her head. If there had been plug sockets in Middle Earth, she probably would have stuck her fingers in it to get this look. She looked round at the assembled elves, then raised the mic to her mouth as the first strands of Wuthering Heights rang out between the trees.  
  
  
  
The hobbits nervously waited backstage for their turn. Merry slapped Frodo's hand away as he started fiddling with his dress.  
  
"Stop fidgeting! You look fine." He hissed, as Frodo looked down at the silver minidress he was wearing.  
  
"Are you sure?" He looked worried and tugged the dress down a little at the back. "It's not too revealing?"  
  
"No." Pippin wandered up, looking fairly pleased with his white sparkly catsuit, with huge flares that covered his feet.  
  
"Pippin, you've grown." Sam said, tugging at his flares. Pippin just grinned and pulled the flares up to reveal high platforms.  
  
"Pippin!" Merry snapped, "Get them off, now!" Pippin smirked, but stepped out of them anyway, just as Galadriel was finishing. Merry surveyed the group. "Well, are we ready?" They all nodded, and as one, they leapt out on stage in a flash of bright light to the intro of Mamma Mia... 


	27. The Birdbath of Galadriel

Well, another chapter. I had trouble writing this one, let me tell ya. Ooooh, twas nasty, twas. But, its here now. Hope ya like it.  
  
If any of you reading this have not seen the Full Monty act, then why not? You are all sad and boring people! Now, for those who have, let yourself imagine the pure and utter niceness that the mere mention of the words 'Sam' and 'Full Monty' bring.  
  
Oh, I'm not sure if tasselly is a word. If not… then it is now.  
  
Laura, thankyou for helping me come up with the 'I know what it is you ate' line. Me loves you muchly, me does *cheesy grin*.  
  
No, I do NOT like Celeborn. The line that mentions Celeborn and handcuffs is especially for all those who DO like Celeborn… I like Elrond. Got it? Good.  
  
I love Father Ted! (Well, not actually Father Ted. I love Dougal cos hes so adorable. I mean the program…)  
  
IMPORTANT! Well, it is to us, but… ah well…. We, Laura and I (ie The Entity), have a website! A whoop de doo! Its http://hand_of_gondor.tripod.com  
  
Its got all of What is going on?, Of Lazy Days And Spaghetti Balrogs, Spin the hobbit… well, basically everything we've written. Including something that we haven't posted on ff.net (ooh, aren't you excited? Well, aren't you?) Its still pretty basic at the moment, but do not worry your little noggins! Im still working on it! Pleeeeeeeease visit! Pleeeeeeeease!  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Everything was very bright when Frodo regained consciousness. He groaned and closed his eyes again, rolling over to bump against something warm and cuddly. He sighed and snuggled against the warm cuddly thing, only to hear  
  
"Good morning Mr Frodo." Frodo's eyes shot open and he sat up.  
  
"Sam... Oh my head hurts." He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his hand to his forehead.  
  
"Someone spiked the punch." Sam explained. When Frodo managed to open his eyes without the urge to dig a hole and crawl into it, he realised they were in the large clearing below the stage... er, flet. He was still wearing his minidress, though it now had a large split up one side and he was revealing a little more than he intended. He blushed and grabbed Sam's blanket in an effort to protect his modesty.  
  
"Sam... where are you flares?" Sam blushed and looked around for something to cover himself with.  
  
"Um, they're in that tree. They got caught in it after the Full Monty act... when they pulled us onstage.... remember Mr Frodo?" Frodo groaned and rubbed his eyes.  
  
"Sam, what happened last night?" Sam took a deep breath and started to tell him.  
  
  
  
Aragorn woke up when his pillow started to move. He raised his head and looked up blearily.  
  
"Mornin' Strider."  
  
"Boromir... we had sex, didnt we?"  
  
"Yep, I'm fairly sure we 'ad sex. Yeah."  
  
"Oh..." Aragorn sat and looked around. He was, for some reason he didn't want to think about, still wearing his tatty jeans from the builders outfit, but the white vest had disappeared somewhere. Boromir was pulling his leather tasselly trousers back on. Feathers were scattered round the clearing. "Feathers?"  
  
"The 'eaddress. You said I 'ad to wear it. Remember?" Boromir looked round for his leather tasselly waistcoat. Aragorn groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Come on Strider, better be gettin' back."  
  
  
  
Dominic was looking for Billy. He hadn't been seen since he'd disappeared the night before, and Dominic was getting distraught. He eventually found him wandering back towards the large flet, swaying as he walked.  
  
"Billy!" He ran up and took hold of his arm, as Billy looked in serious danger of falling flat on his face.  
  
"Dom… I don't think we should stay around here." Billy grabbed Dominic's arm and started to pull him along.  
  
"Billy, you okay?" Dominic stopped and turned to face his friend, gripping his arms as he studied him. "You look a little paler than usual."  
  
"Yeah… I'm fine. Come on." Billy tried to step from Dom's grasp.  
  
"Billy…" Dominic warned and Billy sighed gently, stopping his useless struggling.  
  
"Well… last night I… I wasn't feeling too well and I… well I felt sick… and I could only find that mirror thing and…" Dominic's eyes widened.  
  
"You were…"  
  
"Dom, Billy?" Aragorn stuck his head out from between the trees. "Come on." Billy and Dominic shared a furtive glance, then followed the ranger to the now infamous clearing. They passed Elijah and Orlando making out behind the statues at the top of the stairs and they stopped briefly to wave at them. The others were standing around the clearing, hands in their pockets. Legolas had apparently been pulled away from Haldir and was frowning sulkily, kicking at the leaves lying around the floor. Frodo was slowly but surely backing away from the centre, only stopping when Boromir grabbed his arm. Galadriel was stood at the stream-waterfall-y thing, filling a jug with some water. She was still dressed in the floaty white dress from the night before, but her hair had considerably calmed down, now only with a little bit of frizz that insisted on sticking up in the air. Billy and Dominic hurried to join them, just as Galadriel turned around holding the jug.  
  
"Will you look into the mirror?" She asked, though no-one was entirely sure who it was she was talking to. Dominic regarded the 'mirror' skeptically.  
  
"It's a birdbath." He said.  
  
"It is not a birdbath, it is a mirror."  
  
"Birdbath."  
  
"Mirror."  
  
"Birdbath."  
  
"MIRROR!" Galadriel lost her temper and seemed to grow and contort before them. Everyone turned an odd blue/green colour. After a few minutes of indecipherable ranting, she stopped foaming at the mouth and calmed down a little. The blue/green colour disappeared. Frodo whimpered from where he was hiding behind Sam, clutching Sam's Frying Pan of Death. Sam gently coaxed it from his hand, and hugged the smaller hobbit to his chest. Frodo whimpered again.  
  
"I'll ask you again, will you look into the mirror?" Galadriel asked, glaring at Dominic, who stuck his tongue out at her.  
  
"What will I see?" Frodo whimpered as Sam shoved him forward.  
  
"Even the wisest cannot tell…" Galadriel stepped forward. Frodo shrieked and darted back behind Sam. Galadriel stopped; glancing down at the bowl as she held the jug up, ready to pour the water into it. She paused then turned to look at Billy, who was trying to merge into a tree. "I know what it is you ate." She said and Billy had the sudden urge to dig a very deep hole and lay in it. When he dared look up at the Lady, she was watching him whilst radiating an air of quiet disgust. Then she turned back to Frodo.  
  
"The Author is gaining power Frodo…"  
  
"So? What's that got to do with me?" Galadriel paused then addressed them all.  
  
"The quest stands upon…"  
  
"The edge of a knife, yeah yeah we know." Dominic snapped and Aragorn hit him over the head, "Touch me again *Strider* and I don't fancy your chances of ever being a father." He growled.  
  
"The Author…" Galadriel said loudly, "is getting stronger by the day. These delays only serve to increase the Authors power." She gave them a meaningful look. "You can delay no longer."  
  
"My Lady…" Aragorn started, stepping forward.  
  
"Aragorn, I suggest you do not anger me any further. I am rapidly losing my patience with you." Galadriel glared at the man until he backed away again, going noticeably paler. "I will help you all I can…" She said to them all. "Which basically means I'm gonna give you some junk I was gonna throw out anyway, chuck you into some boats and send you to your almost certain untimely deaths…" She glanced at Boromir, who was watching Frodo try to bury headfirst into the floor with interest. "Again."  
  
  
  
Aragorn and Boromir sat side by side on a tree root. Well, sat isn't really the word. Boromir was actually leaning against Aragorn, who was leaning against the tree. The younger man was getting most annoyed with his uncooperative pillow.  
  
"For 'eavens sake Strider, go to sleep." He smacked the nearest part of the ranger (his chest…. Not any other part… oh god, the trench thoughts are back) and shut his eyes again.  
  
"I will find no rest here." Boromir groaned and sat up.  
  
"Lemme guess, you 'eard a voice in yer 'ead…"  
  
"I heard a voice inside my hea… Do you mind?" Boromir rolled his eyes. "The Lady… I don't think she likes me."  
  
"Don't blame 'er."  
  
"Boromir!"  
  
"Sorry." Boromir picked at something in his teeth. "What makes you think that then?"  
  
"Oh, she threatened to hang me from a tree by my ankles…"  
  
"What's so wrong with that?"  
  
"Inside out."  
  
"Oh." Boromir looked thoughtful. "Y'know, I don't think she likes you." Aragorn gritted his teeth.  
  
"I know. I said that to you…  
  
"You did? I don't remem… Hey, we're in a forest!" Boromir looked round in excitement. Aragorn put his head in his hands and groaned.  
  
  
  
The next day, the Fellowship were helping to load the boats up with the supplies they needed. Well, the Things weren't. Elijah and Orlando still hadn't reappeared from the previous night, Dominic was sitting with Billy on his lap, and was stroking Billy's stomach (and discovering that Billy could actually purr) and Sean was swapping parenting tips with Celeborn, who was still playing with the handcuffs from the police uniform. Legolas and Haldir were having a tearful farewell, with much hugging and kissing of cheeks and lots of 'don't be a stranger darling', 'oh, you will come visit me soon wont you?' and 'we shall just have to go to Rohan, I hear the fashion there is to die for'. The hobbits were busy stuffing as much food down their trousers as they could lay their grubby little mits on. So, it was actually just Aragorn and Boromir filling the boats up. Then Lady Galadriel arrived with their gifts (followed by Elijah and Orlando, still hurriedly getting dressed). To each of the Things, she gave a little booklet entitled 'How to Survive in Middle Earth'; to the hobbits, knitted woollen cloaks each with their initials on (that were not made especially. She happened to have three nephews and a niece with names that began with F, S, M and P. Unfortunately, P was a girl, which is why Pippins cloak was pink); to Legolas she gave a little archery set, and a hat (which automatically made the words 'Robin Hood' spring to mind); and to the Men, she gave new clothes, (because honestly, Aragorn could not go around in a builders outfit, or Merry's clothes the rest of the trip, could he? And Boromir was not going to wear tasselly leather, or the clothes he had died in. They were beginning to smell). Unfortunately however, the only clothes that fitted them were Celeborn's, so they set off in drapy silver things that looked like several sarongs wrapped round them, complete with silver leggings, and intricate belts (the others spent the whole trip calling them 'Celegorn', and 'Celomir').  
  
  
  
As the fellowship left in their little boats, several random Lorien Posing Elves (which were very useful at events for making the place look a little more up market) waved them off. Galadriel however, was a little more interested in the prospect of Celeborn, handcuffs and an entire wood full of lovely male elves at her disposal.  
  
  
  
Aragorn, sat behind Legolas for some reason beyond him, finally worked up the courage to ask the elf something.  
  
"Legolas?"  
  
"Yes Aragorn?"  
  
"You and Haldir…"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Are you… together?"  
  
"Me and Haldir?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"No?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Yes you are?  
  
"No, yes we're not."  
  
"No, you are?"  
  
"No, we're not."  
  
"Ah." There was silence for a while. "Then how come you were…"  
  
"Hes my best friend."  
  
"Oh. But you were so…"  
  
"Affectionate?"  
  
"Yes. And hes so…"  
  
"Camp?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That's just who he is. Hes the straightest elf I know." Aragorn stared at the back of Legolas' head.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes. Hes got a girlfriend."  
  
"Oh." Aragorn looked round at the others, who apparently were having just as interesting conversations." So you two have never…"  
  
"Once. That's how I know he's straight."  
  
"Oh… little too much information there…" Legolas just smiled and started paddling. 


	28. Row Row Row Your Boat

Well, well, well, considering the whole 'ff.net has to annoy me by packin' up all of a sudden', and my muse running off with that hussy, Laura's rant, its been a while, ain't it? But! Here I am again, with the next chapter, finally, of me beloved wigo. so, this is where the story goes COMPLETELY au, not just a little. though technically, it's all au, so why am I even writing this? Who knows?  
  
To my brother Craig, who is almost as crazy as I am. Thanks for the ideas. He'll never read this story anyway.  
  
And neither will my mother, but thanks to her anyway for understanding all my dark and deeply disturbing feelings about everything in particular. Oh, and not threatening to disown me for coming home almost blind drunk and collapsing on her for two solid hours at midnight-ish when I had to work 8 hours the next day. And also for not taunting me when the worst hangover in the history of nasty hangovers got me. And then I had to go to work. Grrr. I didn't last long.  
  
Laura. Hi! Its me! Thanks for. well, the entire first chapter really. And remember. Hug the Gormless! They're people too!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The boat journey, for the most part, was pretty uneventful. The only major trauma was Sam's rather severe fear of water and his insistence on clinging to Frodo's ankle. Frodo and Boromir had tried desperately to pry the terrified hobbit from Frodo's leg, but eventually gave up when, after coaxing him with sausages, a new frying pan, some Elven rope and finally threatening actual bodily harm, Sam had almost used his teeth. Frodo had to settle with Sam clinging to his ankle and his head resting on Frodo's knee. It didn't help Frodo's nerves that Boromir was attempting to look suggestive at him, and once again he asked himself why he and Sam had been put with Boromir.  
  
"My knees are sweaty." Pippin's voice drifted over the river from where he was sat in-between Merry and Sean.  
  
"Pot Noodle! I dropped it..." Merry looked down at the mess in his lap then at the empty pot in his hand. "Dammit. It was chicken and mushroom as well."  
  
"Tis." Pippin agreed.  
  
"Tis tisle."  
  
"Tis tisle tis tis tisle tis."  
  
"Are you two quite finished?" Aragorn snapped from his boat as they floated past.  
  
"Oh what a lovely kingfisher." Legolas pointed out, resting his hand on the paddle as he held it in the water.  
  
"Do you ever get the feeling we're living in a crazy twisted dream-turned- reality world where only the very obsessed and the criminally insane live?" Orlando asked, wrapping his arms round Elijah's waist.  
  
"All the time." Elijah started playing with Orlando's fingers. "Who doesn't?"  
  
  
  
The day was drawing to a close. Sam, who had fallen asleep, resting against Frodo's knee, was just waking up. He opened his eyes, and glanced up at Frodo, just in time to hear  
  
"...even when it's sucked by scum like you?" This comment was directed towards Boromir, who was glaring back at the hobbit. Sam shut his eyes and decided that he had woken up at precisely the wrong moment, and being asleep was much better. In the other boats, Aragorn, Legolas, Orlando and Elijah were debating whether or not to stop and spend the night on shore, or carry on. As the Things pointed out, it took less than 10 minutes to get down this river in the film. Which then escalated into an involved explanation of what a film was. And what a cinema was. And what actors were. Eventually, they decided to just keep on going.  
  
  
  
Darkness fell. After it had picked itself back up and dusted itself off, it quickly kicked the sun out of the sky and settled down for a good night of being dark. Legolas frowned gently as he paddled.  
  
"I fear the Author is getting a litte... erratic." Aragorn looked up from his knee-inspection.  
  
"Erratic?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Not erotic?"  
  
"No. Thankfully." They were silent for a while, until Legolas suddenly looked up. "Did you hear something?"  
  
"Hm? No." Aragorn yawned and stretched.  
  
"Im sure I heard..."  
  
"Ahoy there!" All the conscious members of the Fellowship turned and looked behind them.  
  
"What on earth..." Billy looked up at the huge cruise liner looming behind their small boats in amazement. He peered closer at the side. "The H.U.G. Gormless?"  
  
"Ahoy there!" Came the call again, and they all looked up.  
  
"Glorfindel?!" The cute blonde elf with gray eyes and messy hair was standing on the bow of the ship, wearing rather tight white trousers, a sleeveless white top and a blue bandana, complete with funny cap thing.  
  
"Come aboard!" He yelled, waving wildly at them, then turning round. Rope ladders were sent down from the side, and the Fellowship, having nothing better to do, decided to go aboard. After they had all climbed up (Sam was too scared, he had to be pulled up with ropes tied securely around him), they were greeted by Glorfindel and Elrond.  
  
"Greetings... again." Elrond smiled wearily at them, while they gawped at his white sailor outfit. They briefly wondered why he was holding a mop, but put it down to the Author being odd... again. "It seems the Author has decided to make my entire existence on Middle Earth a living nightmare..."  
  
"At least your sons are back safe and sound, my lord." Glorfindel pointed out, earning him a perfected 'shut-up-if-you-know-what's-good-for-you' look. The fellowship was intrigued. (The fellowship was getting fed up of being referred to as a collective individual. The fellowship was getting very confused by the Authors odd use of words. The fellowship wants the Author to shut up now.)  
  
"Your sons?" Elijah asked, interested. Orlando looked worried. Elrond sighed.  
  
"Yes. They're here. Unfortunately."  
  
"What do mean unfo..."  
  
"Daddy!" Elrond groaned and closed his eyes as two tall dark (and rather attractive) elves leapt towards him and wrapped their arms round him in a huge bear hug. "Hi daddy!"  
  
"Hello Elrohir, Elladan." He said, untangling himself from their hug, then stepping back a little way. "Boys, I'd like you to meet the Fellowship." Elladan and Elrohir looked round, their eyes widening when they saw the fellowship looking back at them.  
  
"Hi!" Elrohir (they assumed) leapt towards them, not noticing the fellowship take a step back. He grabbed the nearest member, which happened to be Boromir (who hadn't stepped back in time), and hugged him. "I'm Elrohir, that's Elladan. Wanna play?" Boromir grinned.  
  
"Sure! Oh, hang on." He turned to Aragorn. "Can I? Oh please, Aragorn?! I'll be good, honest." Aragorn looked at him.  
  
"Boromir, how old are you?" Boromir looked confused.  
  
"Aragorn." Legolas interrupted before Boromir started counting on his fingers. "Perhaps you should just play along. okay?" Aragorn rolled his eyes.  
  
"Okay, okay. Boromir, yes you can go play with them."  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"But don't be too late out okay?"  
  
"But Aragorn."  
  
"Boromir, do I need to tell you again." Aragorn folded his arms and glared at the younger man. Boromir looked down and kicked absentmindedly at the floor.  
  
"No."  
  
"Okay, go on then." Boromir smiled, and let Elladan and Elrohir pull him away. Elrond turned to the remaining fellowship.  
  
"Well, we'd better go inside, hadn't we?"  
  
  
  
Nobody noticed the dark figure sitting in the corner of Elrond's cabin (though, in fairness, it was a little too large to be called just a cabin. He is an elf-lord after all...) They settled themselves on whatever seat, or lap, they could find, and smiled gratefully as a Random Sailor Elf© handed out drinks of iced tea and orange juice. Elrond sat on his ornate chair, which had been rescued from Rivendell, and looked at them.  
  
"Well." He said. There was an uncomfortable silence, until Glorfindel suddenly thought of something.  
  
"Oh, Elrond, hadn't we better tell them about... um, you-know-who?" Elrond looked confused.  
  
"Huh?" The fellowship (minus Boromir) looked interested.  
  
"You know..." Glorfindel resorted to using manic eyebrow waggling to try and get his point across. Fortunately for Glorfindel, and pretty much everyone else (though the image of Glorfindel and his manic eyebrow waggling is incredibly amusing), Elrond seemed to understand.  
  
"Oh. Him. Okay." He turned to the fellowship. "We found this... Thing sitting at the edge of the river." The dark figure that no one had noticed stood up. The fellowship regarded him critically. He was wearing a large, over-sized tiger costume, complete with head.  
  
"And who are you?" Aragorn asked, folding his arms (which was a little difficult with Legolas sat on his lap)  
  
"You shouldn't have asked that..." Elrond groaned, resting his head in his hands. The dark, and deeply disturbing, figure seemed to perk up.  
  
"So glad you asked." The Things had just decided that the voice seemed a little too familiar, when the figure spoke again.  
  
"I'm Viggo. That's v, i, double g, o." And to the fellowships (and Elrond and Glorfindel's) complete and utter horror, he burst into song. "The wonderful thing about Viggo's; is Viggo's are wonderful things! Their tops are..."  
  
"Enough!" Elrond finally snapped, standing up and slamming his hand down on the table. Viggo stopped his manic bouncing and sat down quickly. "If I hear that song one more time, I swear by Elbereth, I'll."  
  
"Now, now Elrond." Glorfindel rested his hand on Elrond's back. Elrond made a noise that could have been a growl.  
  
"Viggo?" Sean shoved Frodo off his lap and wandered over, pulling the huge tiger head off. Viggo smiled sweetly up at him.  
  
"Hello."  
  
"What are you doing here?" Elijah asked, from his enviable position on Orlando's lap. Viggo shrugged.  
  
"I dunno. One moment I was painting, the next..." He shrugged again. Aragorn, Legolas and the hobbits stared at him.  
  
"Oh, hi." The hobbits and Legolas, already having Things that looked like them, didn't seem too bothered, but Aragorn it seemed, might need a little time to adjust.  
  
"Wow. You are one good-looking guy!" Viggo grinned, and would have blushed, except that wasn't a very manly thing to do, so he didn't.  
  
"Thanks. Not too bad yourself." Aragorn, however, seemed to be having a little problem with the whole 'manliness' thing, and blushed. "Could do with a shave though."  
  
"No. Chicks dig the stubble." Viggo raised his eyebrows slightly.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. Got Arwen didn't I?" Glorfindel decided to stop this particular conversation, as Elrond was getting increasingly irate, and even he couldn't hold him back if he got angry.  
  
"Now that you've all met, hadn't we better talk about this quest?" He looked around encouragingly.  
  
"Um, sure." Aragorn looked dubiously at Glorfindel, who was absentmindedly running his hand up and down Elrond's back, and the look on Elrond's face had gone from irate to kind of dreamy.  
  
"The quest? Oh, the quest." Elrond snapped out of it, and shot Glorfindel a dark look (ooooooooooooh.. sorry, Author likes that image) as he sat down. "Right. Quest. So, how's it going?"  
  
"Pretty good." Legolas shrugged. "'Course, the Authors trying to slow us down."  
  
"Of course." Elrond smiled and nodded.  
  
"I mean, there was the whole Moria Land thing, with that tree and the rollercoaster and stuff."  
  
"And Legolas bribing the police." Sam added.  
  
"I did not." Elrond smiled and nodded. "And then there was that thing at Lothlorien, with. well, you were there." Elrond smiled and nodded. "Hang on, come to think of it. how did you get here before us?" Elrond smiled and. "Elrond!"  
  
"Hm?" The elf-lord jerked out of it and looked around. "What?"  
  
"I said." Legolas repeated slowly, whilst glaring at Glorfindel as he pulled his hand back from wherever it was on Elrond. "How did you get here before us?"  
  
"Well, you aren't exactly the fastest fellowship in Middle Earth, are you?" Elrond shrugged and played idly with a quill that happened to be lying on the table. "And come on, I have a cruise liner!" Merry frowned slightly from where he was cuddled up to Pippin on a chair.  
  
"How come you get a cruise liner and we have to walk?" Elrond shrugged.  
  
"I guess the Author likes me. in a strange and twisted way. Hey, Glorfindel." He waited till the blonde elf was looking at him. "How you doin'?" Glorfindel giggled as the feather slid down his nose, and brushed it away.  
  
"Oh Elbereth help me." Aragorn groaned, resting his head in his hands. "I did not need to see that." 


	29. Gently Down The Stream

I know, i know. its been so long since i actually wrote any of this story, ill be surprised if anyone even remembers it!  
  
anyhoo, to those who do remember it.... enjoy. its taken me long enough to write this damn chapter! and more is coming!  
  
Hey... i saw The Two Towers on Wednesday.... TWICE! Aaaaaah, it was so unbelievably incredible! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! but then... i couldnt tell any of my friends cos they hadnt seen it! it was torture!  
  
**************************************************************************** *************  
  
Aragorn was fast asleep when the alarm bells sounded.  
  
"Aaaargh!" He sat bolt upright in bed, whacked his head against the bottom of the bunk above him, yelped and ended up flinging himself to the floor on the other side of the cabin.  
  
"Mornin'." Said Boromir, from the top bunk.  
  
"Ugh." Aragorn stood up shakily, gingerly rubbing his forehead. The alarm bells sounded again. "What's happening?" Boromir shrugged.  
  
"Ah dunno." Groaning, Aragorn pulled on the complementary bathrobe and wandered out of the cabin. And ran into Glorfindel.  
  
"What's happening?" Aragorn looked round confused. The cute blond elf with messy hair seemed panicky.  
  
"Um. .. something. Bad. Very bad. Must go." He hurried off, but not before Aragorn noticed that the dressing gown he was wearing had Elrond's name neatly sewn on the left breast pocket. Deciding to get this sorted out, he walked quickly. .. sorry, strode towards Elrond's quarters. Aragorn soon reached the Elrond's quarters. Elrond opened the door a fraction and peeked out.  
  
"Oh. Aragorn. .. hello."  
  
"Elrond, what is going on?" Aragorn put his hands on his hips and glared. Elrond opened the door with a sigh (how'd he do that then?).  
  
"I don't know. Something bad, according to Glorfindel." Aragorn opened his mouth to reply, when he suddenly realised what the elf-lord was wearing.  
  
"Elrond?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Pyjama's?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why have they got little blue Balrogs on them?" Elrond looked down and shrugged.  
  
"They were a present." They looked at each other, until Aragorn broke the tense silence.  
  
"So. .. Something bad's happened?" The alarm bells and again, and Elrond winced, covering his ears.  
  
"That sound!" Glorfindel ran past, arms flailing. "That's a bad sound!" Elrond and Aragorn looked at each other, and sighed.  
  
"Come on, we'd better go see what's happening."  
  
  
  
When they reached the deck, they were almost bowled over by teenage girl, who tripped over her excessively baggy jeans and landed in Aragorn's arms. Leaping back to her feet, she grabbed the ranger's shoulders and shook him violently.  
  
"Please, for the love of God, somebody look at my vein?!" So saying, she shuffled with an alarming rate of speed towards the nearest hobbit. Elrond shuddered.  
  
"Why is that girl always around?" Aragorn shrugged, and then was almost bowled over again by Boromir leaping into his arms.  
  
"Aragorn, help me!" Aragorn staggered under the other mans weight, and eventually just dropping him in a heap on the floor.  
  
"Boromir, what's happening?" Boromir waved frantically in the vague direction of the bow of the ship.  
  
"We're heading straight for the waterfall!" Boromir clung to Aragorn's legs. Elrond shook his head in disgust and walked away. "Save me Strider. .. I don't wanna go down the waterfall again. .."  
  
"It's okay Boromir, it's okay. .. We won't sing this time."  
  
  
  
Orlando grabbed Elijah's hand and dragged him towards the lifeboats. Or where the lifeboats should be.  
  
"There's no lifeboats!" Elijah shrieked, grabbing onto Orlando's arm. "What'll we do?" Orlando swallowed.  
  
"Um. .. panic?"  
  
  
  
Sam dragged the now hysterical Frodo towards the back of this ship.  
  
"Come on Mr Frodo." He tightened his grip on Frodo's collar and tugged harder. "Not far now."  
  
"No! Sam you can't swim!"  
  
"Don't you worry Mr Frodo. You float. I'll just hang onto you." He stopped and thought about it, as Frodo struggled and writhed, trying to twist out of Sam's grasp. "Now then. .. I wonder where they put them boats we came in."  
  
  
  
Dominic was rudely awoken by Billy kicking him in the stomach as he tried to get out of the bed.  
  
"Billy?"  
  
"Yes Dom?"  
  
"Ow." He sat up blearily, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand and watching Billy hurriedly get dressed. "Billy your shirts on the wrong way round."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Billy, why are you getting dressed when you could be naked in here with me?" Billy looked at him.  
  
"Well, it would certainly be an interesting way to die."  
  
"Die?!" Dominic leapt out of bed, and hurried over to Billy, who was enjoying the view immensely. "What do you mean die? I don't wanna die! I'm too young and attrac. .." He shut his mouth abruptly.  
  
"And attrac?"  
  
"I was gonna say attractive but the Author stopped me. Damn it." Dominic suddenly found himself flung across the room and hit the door, landing in a heap in the doorway. "Ow." Billy managed to stop himself laughing just in time.  
  
"The cruise-liners heading towards the waterfall, Glorfindel came to tell us. .. come to think of it, he was wearing Elrond's bathrobe." Billy shrugged and handed Dominic his underwear (I'm not being specific, but they're red and frilly). "We'd better think of a way to get off this ship. Quickly." Dominic frowned gently as he pulled his clothes on.  
  
"You seem awfully calm about this Billy." Billy stopped picking at the peeling paint on the door and thought about it.  
  
"Yeah, I do, don't I? Hm." Dominic looked at him in confusion as he finished dressing and followed him out of the cabin and up to the deck.  
  
  
  
Sean was hurriedly trying to calm everyone down on deck, which was difficult with Merry and Pippin running around screaming  
  
"We're going to die! We're all going to die!" Hotly pursued by a strange shuffling girl in baggy black jeans.  
  
"I'm too young!" Pippins screamed as he hurtled past Sean, who was trying to stop a Random Sailor Elf from leaping over the side.  
  
"I'm. .." Merry started, just as the teenage girl caught up with him, and managed to tackle him to the floor.  
  
"Oh Merry! I. .." She was cut off as Pippin attempted to knock her out with a blow to the back of the neck. Unfortunately, she grabbed Pippin and hugged the two writhing hobbits close to her. "Oh, heaven!" And she shuffled off to the other side of the ship. Boromir was still clinging desperately to Aragorn's leg, as Aragorn tried to soothe him, figure out a way to get out of this alive, and look regal, heroic and majestic all at the same. Legolas, dressed in his new sailor outfit that he'd happened to have brought along, seemed to be the only one doing anything actually constructive, as he set about instructing the elves to make little life rafts.  
  
  
  
It was into this chaos that Dominic and Billy arrived. They looked about for a second, before deciding to head over to a quiet spot. They hurried over to a seemingly empty space at the side of the ship, and leaned against the railings.  
  
"Well. .." Billy started, running his hand through his hair.  
  
"We're screwed. We're so screwed." Dominic sighed. They were silent for a while, as Dominic decided to raise and lower his eyebrows to make up for the lack of eyebrow raising in the last few chapters.  
  
"Well, we could. .. Y'know. .." Dominic raised his eyebrows.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well. .. Seeing as this is our last few minutes alive... well..." Dominic thought about it, raising his eyebrows and lowering them a few times in quick succession.  
  
"Yeah, I guess we could. .."  
  
"Oh, please do!" Billy and Dominic whirled round to see Viggo sitting on the railing a little further down, holding a violin. Dominic raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Viggo?" Billy looked confused. "What are you doing? What's with the violin?" Viggo looked down at the instrument and shrugged.  
  
"Dunno. The rest of the orchestra ran off with the lifeboats at the first alarm bell."  
  
  
  
Sam gently patted Frodo on the head. Frodo merely tightened his grip on Sam's knees and whimpered.  
  
"Well then Mr Frodo." Sam looked at the ropes in his hand, a little confused. They were sat in the boat. Unfortunately they boat was hoisted up the side of the cruise liner. Sam got the impression that these ropes would get them down. However...  
  
"Which one Mr Frodo?" Frodo made a noise sounding suspiciously like 'heeeeee...' "Okay." Sam pulled one of the ropes hard.  
  
  
  
Boromir peeped over the edge of the ship and whimpered.  
  
"Aragorn. .. Aragorn, we're gettin' closer. ..  
  
"Its okay Boromir. .." Aragorn soothed him, trying to disentangle Boromir from his legs.  
  
"But. .. We're all going to die!" At that point, an almighty splash was heard from the other side of the ship, after which a quiet voice was heard 'see Mr Frodo, that was the right one'. Aragorn looked around. Legolas was helping the elves lower the rafts from the side of the ship.  
  
"Come on Boromir, we can go on one of those rafts." He managed to walk over to Legolas, pulling Boromir the entire way. "Legolas. .. Think we can fit Boromir onto one of these rafts." Legolas looked doubtfully down at Boromir, who looked back up and stuck his tongue out.  
  
"Well. .. You can try."  
  
  
  
Sam rowed as fast as he could to get away from the ship, keeping his eyes closed the entire time. Frodo looked wistfully from the back of the small boat at the ship, as it got dangerously close to the edge of the waterfall.  
  
"Sam..."  
  
"Yes Mr Frodo?"  
  
"Look, the ships tipping up."  
  
"I can't look right now Mr Frodo."  
  
"But its incredible Sam. I mean, all those people just sliding down the ship... Aaah!"  
  
"Mr Frodo?"  
  
"Its broken in half! And now the other half is going down the waterfall! This is incredible!"  
  
"I'm sure it is Mr Frodo."  
  
"I mean it Sam! I mean, if somebody decided to write this as a novel, it would take at least... 2 A4 pages with a size 10 font! Imagine how long that would take to write!' Sam opened one eye to look suspiciously at Frodo, and unfortunately witnessed the cruise liner plummeting down the waterfall.  
  
"Well that's an eye op..." Frodo's timely leg spasm quickly shut Sam up, as well as knocking him out for the next several hours... 


	30. Just a little note to say sorry

This is just a little note to apologise to anyone who actually read What Is Going On?..  
  
Looks like I'm not going to write the next chapter any time soon. I'm just too damn busy with college, my search for a job and the worlds worst lotr writers block. So, I thought I'd better apologise profusely to whoever might read this.  
  
Sorry.  
  
However, if I happen to write any more, I'll probably put it on our (the entity's) website http:// hand_of_gondor.tripod.com, before putting it on here. If I ever do. So.. Yeah.  
  
Thanks. 


End file.
